Playing Aunt Agony

You know when people call radio stations to tell the radio announcers (or rather, the whole nation) about their problems. That is rather expensive, don't you think? So, I thought, hey! I can give them solutions for free. So, why not do it here? 

Dear Aunt Agony,

My name is Ina and I am 24 years old, currently seeing someone. My boyfriend is 26 years old.

My boyfriend is not working in the country and honestly, we are not sure when he is coming back.

At the same time, I'm also seeing an older guy, kind of a family friend. He's 44 years old with stable income.

Who should I pick? I love my boyfriend but I would love to have a rich boyfriend. And the 44-year old guy always bring me gifts and such. My mother really like him.

What should I do?

Answer: You are certainly materialistic so I really do not see the problem here. Your type (falls under the gold digger category) should always choose the rich ones and never marry them because I believe you'll have a hard time being loyal when the bank account gets smaller. If you truly love your boyfriend, you won't be writing in for the whole world to know that you are not wife-material, based on your statement: I would love to have a rich boyfriend.

If I was your boyfriend, I'd dump you at a heartbeat. And I would also leave you if I'm the 44 year old guy.

Hope this helps you!

Perihal Duit Raya

Aku bertuah kerana anak buah aku tak ramai. Oke sebenarnya mungkin ramai tapi aku buat-buat macam tak perasan sahaja. Haha memang nak minta kaki.

Yang sepatutnya perlu aku beri hadiah adalah dua sepupu yang di rumah.

Tahun pertama, kandungan sampul duit raya adalah sama.

Tahun kedua, aku isi duit secara random (RM 50, RM 30, RM 10) dan mereka perlu pilih secara random. Sungguh mengujakan, bukan?

Mungkin tahun ini....

Sampul duit raya.
Kertas surat khabar.
Duit syiling lima sen dua keping.

Kira macam cabutan bertuahlah.

Agak-agak, nanti sepupu aku buat patung voodo utk balas dendam kat aku tak?

Perihal Chuzzles

Ah, a blast from the past. Ini antara permainan yang digilai ketika di universiti dahulu. Boleh main permainan ini berjam-jam lamanya kerana sangat comel. Main sambil ketap-ketap gigi sebab adalah sangat comel. Bola-bola kecil yang berkelip-kelip yang sumpah comel rasa nak gigit. 

Adakah anda sudah bersedia? Ah deng kenapalah perlu mengalih bahasa? Oke sengaja.

Ah lihatlah.

 Lihat lihat lihat. Comel comel comel. Nanti mata kelip-kelip. Grrr.

Tengoklah bola biru muda yang sangat comel itu. Temok-temok. Ah comelnye. Rasa nak picit-picit.

Ah oke. Gila tau. Sanggup beli ni. Dah sudah. Nak main solitaire ke dominoes ke.

Perihal Horrible Bosses

ini adalah pendapat peribadi. ia tidak boleh diambil sebagai sumber informasi yang utama dan konkrit.

Horrible Bosses. sudah lama aku tak keluar untuk berjimba-jimba. Sejak pembedahan rasanya jadi apalagi, pastilah kita mengambil kesempatan untuk menonton wayang. Sayang, aku memang nak tonton Harry Potter tapi tak mengapalah, Horrible Bosses pun boleh juga.

Aku sebenarnya tak tahu pun kewujudan cerita ini sebenarnya tetapi kemudian aku telah menonton trailer cerita ini (tanpa sengaja) pada suatu hari. Nampak macam ada Jennifer Aniston jadi mestilah aku mahu tonton. Mula-mula hanya sekadar mahu tetapi kemudian terdengar pula perkataan 'murder plot for their bosses'. Maka, perlukah dicucuk-cucuk untuk menonton cerita ini? Pastinya tidak. 

Menjadi seorang majikan bukan mudah. Mahu jaga anak-anak buah mungkin menyebabkan kita menjadi serigala jadian daripada seekor Puss in Boots. Tetapi ini pula cerita majikan-majikan yang memeningkan kepala. Seorang maneater, seorang lagi psiko dan seorang lagi pothead. 

Sila bayangkan seorang majikan anda psiko. Beri harapan untuk kenaikan pangkat dan kemudian ambil jawatan itu sendiri. Tak cukup dengan itu, dia pecahkan pula bilik kerana dia mahu ambil jawatan itu. Memang calon terbaik untuk Horrible Bosses (ha tengok teknik SEO aku? hebat, bukan?).

Kemudian, anda bekerja untuk seorang lelaki budiman tetapi anak lelakinya pula kaki kokain. Anda tahu bahawa syarikat anda akan lingkup kerana anak majikan anda. Kemudian, bos anda yang budiman mati, diganti pula dengan pothead yang hanya mahu membelanjakan duit syarikat.

Anda seorang pesalahlaku seks. Anda pernah ditangkap kerana berkelakuan tidak senonoh, kencing di taman permainan kanak-kanak pada waktu malam ketika mabuk. Disebabkan itu, anda sangat tidak boleh memilih kerja kerana hampir semua majikan tidak mahu menggaji anda. Ini adalah watak Dale. Kesian Dale kerana kena buli dengan Julia (Jennifer Aniston), maneater. Ini adalah bos yang boleh membuatkan anda kurus pahala puasa dengan sekurus-kurusnya. Beware, people.

Mereka berasa sangat tertekan dengan keadaan majikan mereka hingga timbul 'hypothetically killing our bosses'. Daripada small talk di pub, mereka telah melangkah setapak lagi. 

Dale adalah watak yang sangat suka bercakap. Memang rasa nak kasi kaki. Dave mempunyai muka yang lebih serius manakala Kurt pula watak yang mula-mula buka topik tentang 'have you ever imagined killing you bosses?'. 

Horrible Bosses adalah menghiburkan, bagi seorang peminat dark comedy. Tapi mungkin juga aku yang naik syeh sebab lama dah tak keluar. Lokasi yang dipaparkan adalah tempat-tempat yang unik, yang tidak seselalu dilihat di dalam filem-filem yang lain. Tapi memang teringatlah dekat bekas bos yang psiko bila tengok cerita ni. Yes, I have had one.

Dan twist dalam cerita itu yang aku suka. Kau rancang nak bunuh bos kau, lepas tu kau dilepaskan daripada idea itu. Kira macam outsourcing yang tak sengaja. Har har har har.

The Rotten Tomatoes memberikan rating 6.75/10 (last I've seen it).  

Tapi serius. Kalau puasa, consider not watching this. Ah dem, terbayang Dale nyanyi 'That's Not My Name'. Haha. 

The One With Being The Patient

I finally found out how it felt like be treated as a sick person. Fevers and headaches are temporary but recovering from an operation is something different. Try feeling like someone is clutching your right jaw constantly for about three months.

The experience changed the views that I had of people who are sick. I used to tiptoe around a subject when I talk to a sick person or try to constantly talk about the person's illness or something. I felt that it was important to ask how they are feeling AS FREQUENT AS POSSIBLE so they will know that I care. I felt that it will be very insensitive to not talk about how they are feeling, my comments will be dripping with sympathy.

Now that I've gone through the experience, I learnt that less is more. It was a mixed feeling, really.

On one hand, I have been in the viewers' shoes, wanting to show people that I care for them and now I am the person feeling it. I need distraction from my pain; laugh at silly stuff as a deflection of the sharp pain on my jaw. Now, it's the neck, it used to be the jaw. I'm sure it will be near the chin later. Nevermind.

So, I know this is difficult. Not asking entirely will be insensitive but maybe the patient wants something to distract them. Being sympathetic is allright but making them at least smile can be a good thing.

Positivity helps during the recovery process and I'm truly glad to have positive people around me. I love their dark humour, silly humour, fun humour and other types of humour; I truly love them. And my mother. The first night I had to stay alone at the other bed was empty. She asked 'aren't you afraid of sleeping alone? You know...' Ghosts, I know. It is good that she still can joke with me about the stuff. Ouh and I love chocolates from visitors.

The experience has been an eye-opener (and pocket burner. Can't wait for the claims to be approved). I don't have everything but I'm happy with whatever I have. Great people, you know who you are :).

Perihal Tarik Trafik

dulu-dulu kan, dulu-duluuuuu la (punyalah tarik huruf nak tunjuk dah lama), aku kan selalu feeling-feeling tulis bahasa omputih. kononnya, nak push trafik. aku ingat, dengan cara itu akan makin tinggi trafik ke blog aku.

adalah dalam beberapa bulan aku perhatikani perkembangan trafik ke blog. ala bukan susah pun, tgk je la stat. macam tak biasa buat. bukan banyak sangat kerja pun. sebelum nak tidur tu, check stat sikit. tak pun masa menyelit bawah ketiak org dalam putra ke. ikut kesesuaian.

apapun, lama aku perhatikan stats tu. takdelah berubah mana. mungkin takde isu hot kot seperti New Arrivals, Freemason, Arlene Tan dan lain-lain dalam bahasa inggeris. yang ada cuma entry bercuti di sabah. aih...tiba-tiba terasa angin sejuk ranau. ah, lupakan.

lalu, aku kembali beralih-arah kepada medium perantaraan bahasa ibunda sendiri. dari situ aku perasan yang boleh tahan juga banyak keyword yang masuk. kerana blog ini tidak meletakkan gosip artis, maka tidaklah begitu ramai yang masuk tetapi lebih banyak daripada masa aku menulis menggunakan bahasa inggeris.

jadi, bolehlah disimpulkan jika kita mahu menulis untuk trafik (no one is judging. someone has got to pay for my  spectacles and even a few extra hundred comes in handy), tidak salah kalau nak berbahasa malaysia.

hingga di kapasitor sekalipun, entri dalam bahasa malaysia adalah lebih banyak dan lebih kerap dikunjungi berbanding bahasa inggeris.

sekian, dulu. pemerhatian di atas tidak dijalankan menggunakan kaedah saintifik maka keputusannya boleh diragui.

selamat berbuka semua!

Beware of 'The Spa'

lamalah tak tulis dlm bahsa inggeris. kakunye tangan. 

Nobody knew the exact name of the spa. Even the sign at the front shows The Spa. Despite this, nobody showed real curiosity on its name or even approached the owner to ask about it because nobody really knows the owner.

The Spa appeared posh with a serene air around it; beckoning women of all ages to its bosom. Stepping past the doors of The Spa was like being cut out from the hustle and bustle of a busy town and transported to the suburban. It was like being teleported from Bukit Bulan to a location in Bungsar.

During its opening, people paid no heed to it. There was a Turkish restaurant on the left, a store selling musical instruments on the right as well as a huge shopping complex right smack in front of the beauty parlour. The surrounding area was full with restaurants offering different cuisines that made Bukit Bulan a haven for people who looked for fun, not really a place to sit back and relax.

The situation changed abruptly, without anyone able to explain why. One day, nobody paid any attention to it and a total 180 degree turn the next. The lobby became pack with women and next thing people know, neighbouring stores started to close down, The Spa has taken these stores over.

The place was reaping good profit, so it seemed. One of the people who saw this transformation was a woman working in the area.

Aisha was one of the women who always walk past the place since she was working in the area. Usually, she her choice was a spa in KLBB and it has been years since she had an account there. Normally, Aisha did not have much confidence in spas or beauty parlours in the area. There were too many scam cases reported that turned her off. Unprofessional beauticians, suspicious looking outlets, dirty spas; the list goes on. At one time, a friend and Aisha spent about 15 minutes to tell the masseuse how they like to be massaged because the woman could not understand what they were trying to tell, both in English and Malay. It was frustrating and took up so much of their lunch hour that they had to call fast food delivery instead. It was not a good business for a busy city with people busy taking part in the Rat Race.

The reason why Aisha was becoming more interested in the place was when the Turkish restaurant was closed. She discovered this when she visited the place one day and found a notice on the door. It was her favourite restaurant and it came as a surprise when Aisha discovered that The Spa bought the place.

' Business must be very good for this place. Its service must be top-of-the range.'

Aisha the visited The Spa one next day. There were women sitting at the lobby. There were either deep in discussion with the beauticians or just sipping their drinks; obviously just finishing their treatment. Aisha just stood at the front door, as if rooted to the tiles. The serenity embraced her so tight that she was taken aback.

' Miss?' a voice called her, bringing her back to earth. Aisha turned to face the owner of the voice, nearly twisting her neck in the process.

A face greeted her with a smile. A woman with jet-black cropped hair greeted Aisha. She looked like a local but yet her eyes betrayed her look. It was grey.

' First time here?' must be contact lenses, thought Aisha.

' Yes.'

' Would you like a tour?' the woman now stepped in front of Aisha, dominating the situation. Aisha just nodded, as if she had lost her tongue. It was Friday and the traffic will be terrible at this hour. Everybody will be rushing after work so Aisha decided to kill time here. The women seemed to have the ability to read Aisha’s mind.

' This way, please,' the woman gestured for Aisha to step towards a corridor. ' My name is Elly.'

' Hi, Aisha,' Aisha brushed her hair. She must looked ridiculous now, what with the shock and forgetting to reapply her lipstick. It was so unlike Aisha to appear in such a way.

 Aisha cannot remember whether she was brought for a tour during the first time she visited her usual spa. It was as if Elly was reading her mind, which was thinking what made this place so special.

 The light in The Spa was dim and in certain places, it was almost totally dark. There were many treatment rooms including rooms with bath tubs. There was a locker room with electronic locks and a spacious changing room on one side of the premise. The Spa appeared to be quite huge and the whole of it featured the same thing. The corridors may be dark but the individual rooms were not. These rooms appeared to be very clean. The beds were covered with white sheets while the machines were stacked neatly at one corner. The walls were only accompanied with a single picture.

 ‘Very neat and very chic,’ thought Aisha.

 It was as if Aisha was doing an inspection in the premise. If it was not the fact that Aisha was a bit too tired, the discussion may have continued. Instead, Aisha left the premise with a brochure about The Spa.

 During Aisha’s journey back home, she kept thinking about The Spa. The cleanliness of the place really caught her eye and ignited an interest. She had enough experience of spas that used yellowish lighting to cover the real state of the place. It was easy to hide the imperfections on the tiles in such lighting. However, The Spa was bold enough to cover the floor with thick carpet and even have bright lighting. It was a joy to walk on the floor. There was nothing for The Spa to hide.

It was a blessing in disguise to have to go back late in a big city on a Friday night since Aisha got the chance to explore the premise. For the brochure, it had the same look of a booklet. The Spa apparently offered services like facial and also body treatment care, not much of a difference compared to other premises. But the premise was brave enough to be putting their charges on the brochure. It was; at least for Aisha, an extremely confident move. There was nothing to be afraid of and The Spa was ready to be in the competition. It was like coming head-to-head with a competitor. The one with the most advantage will have nothing to be afraid of.

 ‘ They know what they are selling and they know they are top of the game,’ Aisha said before throwing the brochure to the passenger seat and hit the pedal to speed back home.

 The Spa was so bewitching that after dinner, Aisha sat in front of her laptop to find more information regarding the place. She looked for reviews,;mainly, and also tried to look up who owned the place.

 Reviews on The Spa appeared to be sporadic. However, most of them gave extremely good reviews. Actually, all of them. There were a few blogs that reviewed The Spa. Weird, all of the pictures on the blogs appear edto be in poor quality. Some of the pictures had very bad lighting while others looked as if they were taken in motion.

 ‘ Weird,’ thought Aisha but that totally slipped her mind when she looked at the other reviews and The Spa’s official website.

 There were no mention of who owned the place but by then, Aisha was captivated by The Spa. The brands used at the place were of the top range and this was what mattered most to her.

 Aisha made a note to cancel her appointment at the usual place and try to get one at The Spa instead.

                                                               * * *

The next day, the first thing on Aisha’s list was cancelling her appointment and making another one at The Spa. It was almost like in a movie when her mobile rang right after she called to cancel an appointment. Elly was on the line, asking whether Aisha was interested to come in on Saturday. Two days away and The Spa actually had a slot for Aisha. This was beyond good.

Aisha was glad that she left her card during her visit.

                                                                    * * *

The Spa greeted Aisha with the sound of the waterfall and birds chirping. It was very calming. The tension, stress and the frightening amount of paperwork on Aisha’s table all ebbed into nothingness, like those things did not matter anymore. That was the same emotion she felt every time she went for an appointment but this was special. This was Aisha’s first intimate date with The Spa. It felt almost sacred.

 Elly and Aisha discussed on what the treatment would be. The ambiance was all very calming that Aisha was in the danger of saying ‘Yes’ to everything. Instead of warm water, Aisha was offered with fruit juice. For this, The Spa gained her approval as this was something different.

 Everything was going very smoothly. It seemed too good to be true for Aisha when everything that she asked for seemed to be available at the premise. But then again, she wanted the basics only like facial and also the usual skincare brands that she used like Derm-logic. Instead of pushing Aisha to take up this package and that, The Spa allowed her to match and mix whatever she wanted with a condition that they will have to charge her and she had to attend specific treatment visits.

‘ Unless you can add body scrub after say five treatments,’ Aisha added jokingly.

 ‘ I’ll see to it,’ replied Elly, with a poker face. On cue, Aisha swallowed saliva that tasted like wood chips. It was as if Elly was promising something sinister to happen to her.

 What happened next was almost uneventful. Nothing was out of ordinary that Aisha felt she was able to totally relax. She changed into a robe and next went into a room with light just enough for the beautician to work on her face.

                                                                  * * *

 ‘ Hi, my name is Jane,’ said the girl; almost whispering actually. Aisha uttered an almost half-hearted ‘Hi’ and Jane went on to proceed with her task. Aisha seemed to be in a haze; all she could see was Jane with her face covered with surgical mask. The sound of Jane mixing chemicals for her treatment and even the massage she received almost did not happen. Aisha plunged into a totally relaxed state that she did not seem to notice much anymore. This never happened to her.

 The last massage given to Aisha finally woke her up. Two and a half hours just passed by. It was rejuvenating and Aisha felt energetic again.

The treatment ended with a drink in the lobby. This time, Aisha was left alone to finish her drink.

 Aisha continued to visit the place and the visit became more frequent as The Spa added manicure and pedicure services for loyal customers. One of such lucky customers was Aisha.. From one every fortnight, the visits turned into a weekly event. Customers; women and men, entered and left the premise at a steady stream. There never seem to be a full room at any given time.

 It was unlike Aisha not to share anything good with her friends. But not this. The Spa was like a hidden jewel that Aisha just discovered. It was too precious to be shared and Aisha really did not want anybody to find out about it. She knew that she was entitled to more perks if she bring in more people but she did not care. It was hers. The greed was illogical and cannot be explained.

 Aisha had enjoyed the massages and The Spa’s special bath. The special bath took place in another section of the place that consisted of rooms with bath tubs and a restroom. This was also brightly lit where the light will only be dimmed based on customers’ request. There were flower petals in the bath and the smell was truly superb. According to Elly, the essential oils available were made in the premise.. Aisha did not know what was actually in the essential oil but once she stepped into the room, the curiosity vanished. It was replaced by such wanting for luxury of being pampered.

 Elly and Aisha were now friends, a natural thing to happen when a customer visited the place for nearly six months, frequently. Stories were exchanged but it was mostly on Aisha’s part. Elly seemed to be on guard every single time.

 Thinking about Elly, Aisha noticed that the woman seemed to be surrounded by an air of mystery. She was like a hawk that circled the area, more of a warden rather than someone who acted as the Relationship Manager of The Spa. And Aisha could not determine whether Elly was the owner, a worker or anyone important at the place. Not that it was of the utmost importance. This was only driven by curiosity. It was natural to be curious on who owned a successful spa like this.

 And the workers; they seemed to be of the same build and with faces that were almost similar. Either The Spa was a family business or it purposely employs people with the same features.

 Six months of becoming The Spa’s customer, Aisha has turned the place into her sanctuary. By now, the place has taken over another store on its right. It was renovated into a café with a chic and elegant look with places for selected customers to hang out. Aisha earned the spot, of course.

A phone call arrived on Tuesday, right after an important meeting with Aisha’s future client. The contract that Aisha was trying to secure was an extremely tricky one. The investors were very thorough, they had tons of question. The phone call was all that Aisha needed.

‘ Hi Aisha, Elly here. Are you coming in today?’ Elly’s voice was in its usual crisp and business-like tone.

Aisha thought for a bit. The last meeting was tiring, like the rest of the previous meetings. Some questions have been raised before but the investors kept firing the same ones apart from new ones that nearly drove her up the wall. With this, she decided that a nice relaxing massage was what she needed most.

‘ Yes, I will be popping in,’ Aisha answered, her hand busy flipping through several thick files. Tricky tender and the approaching end of year; never a good combination.

‘ Any requests?’ it was a standard script.

‘ What about body massage?’ it was not something that Aisha had to had but it would nice to have one of those at this time.

‘ Sure. And what about a free special bath?’ Elly threw a question that made Aisha’s day.

‘ Ah thank you, Elly! You just made my day.’ And now, the rest of the day seemed bearable although Aisha regretted a bit that she was not too chatty with Elly today.

When Aisha arrived; right after she left the office at 5.30pm, there were already a few people in the lobby. It was not something that she usually see happening in The Spa. And it did not make her happy. It has been a very stressful week and Aisha preferred to be in a place that was not packed with people.

 Aisha turned her head to the right, bring the VIP cafe to view. The café appeared to be quite full too. Aisha sighed. This was not something ordinary.

 ‘ Hi Aisha!’ Elly materialised from nowhere. ‘ Are you ready?’ Aisha was greeted with a motherly smile.

 ‘ Yes.’ Aisha answered with relief. Lucky she did not have to wait any longer. All the stress for today have been piling and anything as small as someone accidentally stepping on her shoe can make her explode.

 ‘ This way.’

 Perhaps, Aisha never visited The Spa on Tuesday. That or this was an extremely busy day for the premise but there seemed to be more people at The Spa. When she was about to enter the changing room, Aisha noticed several boxes tucked in one corner. Elly followed Aisha’s gaze.

 ‘ Renovation,’ Elly volunteered with an almost eerie smile.

 Usually, Aisha did not have to walk far to get a massage or facial but not today. There were eight rooms in a corridor, sitting opposite each other and Aisha had to walk to the end of the row. These women sure were having a hard day or week.

 There was that calming or rather numbing sensation again. And Aisha could never tell whether it was Jane, Anna or Susan that was in the room since all of them have the similar mask on. It did not matter whether she was having a massage or facial, they will be wearing the mask.

An hour later, Aisha was escorted to another room for a session. Again, there were many people since all the doors were closed. But for some strange reasons, it was pretty cool in the area.

However, Aisha refused to dwell on it any longer. Enough on thinking about stuff, all that was left to do now was to relax, she thought when she stepped into the tub. One of the workers was sitting beside here and chatting about something. It must not be important or Aisha would have remembered it.

As soon as the worker left the room, smoke filled all the spaces. That was what Aisha remembered last.

What happened next was so confusing that Aisha could not make the head and tail of it. First, she felt a sharp pain on her right side. Then, she felt a sudden coldness all over her body.

‘ …conscious….ambulance…yes.’ Aisha heard a guy’s voice. There should not be a guy in here, Aisha wanted to protest but she could not. It was a struggle to even open her eyes. Her breath came in jagged fashion.

A woman or someone pulled her hand and handed her a piece of paper.

‘ ..help…you need help,’ the voice said. And all went blank. Just before Aisha fell into unconsciousness, she could see ice in the tub was pink. Some one turned her back on her holding a container, which looked like a cool-box.

Nobody knew how long time has passed but this time, the cloud in Aisha’s head was gone.

                                                                             * * *

At a hospital in an unknown location.

‘ The same thing...’ a paramedic called Zarina said onto the mouthpiece while sipping coffee.

‘ Seriously?’ the voice on the other line asked.

‘ Yes. One missing right kidney. Also happened to the other eight women that we found,’ Zarina flipped through several documents that looked like medical records. One of those belonged to Aisha, a survivor. Barely but she survived the ordeal.

‘ Wow. And the building was deserted?’ the unknown voice asked again. The Voice heard the story of women that were left half dying in bath tubs in buildings alleged to be spas but this was the first time the case happened as close to the city center.

‘ No one and nothing was there. Everything was stripped bare. There was no evidence of the building ever been a spa except for the bath tubs.’ Zarina massaged her left temple.

‘ And the method used to put people to sleep?’ asked Zarina, almost to herself.

‘ I know.’ The voice on the other side went silent.

This was the fourth case. Who knew if it will happen again?

Perihal So-Called Freedom of Religion

aku kelakar betul dgn orang-orang yang kononnya promote freedom of religion tapi buat page khas untuk kutuk agama lain terutamanya agama Islam. Di mana kebebasan beragama itu kalau anda kutuk orang Islam sekali dengan agama, begitu juga dengan agama lain? Do us a favour; stop contradicting yourselves.

tak, aku tak marah pun kau buat page tu. aku faham setengah orang memang dia akan hidup selama-lamanya :).

Terima kasih

Terima kasih. Thank you for the wishes. It's a very quiet event but very meaningful.

Bes juga birthday bulan puasa ni.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Mamai

I have the ability to sleep that any cub (be it lion or bear) will envy. I know this shouldn't happen but almost everyday after work, I will succumb to the temptation and accompany my pillows on the bed. I woke up at five-ish am, rush to work in order to punch out no later than 3.15 pm. Hence, by 4pm, I'd be dead to the world. Don't ask me what time I wake from slumber. 

Today is no different except that I came back with beef and ingredients to marinate it. Last week, my auntie said something about beef so I think why not try it again. But of course, I didn't prepare the ingredients, it comes in a package hence no need for me to upload the pictures.

So, at three something, I marched to the nearest supermarket to get the ingredients. I was by then, walking in clouds. But I managed to complete the task anyways. The journey back was almost uneventful (or I was too engrossed in Guards! Guards! Guards from Terry Pratchett). 

Upon reaching my station, I hardly can open my eyes anymore. I jumped into the nearest taxi that I sawand head home. I have to sleep. With four hours sleep yesterday, of course it'd be very difficult to stay awake. 

Reach home, walk past the door, open freezer and stash everything in. I know I stashed the pre-mix too but I couldn't care less. I was too sleepy to think about it.

One long dream and one series of dream (I sometimes dream when I take afternoon naps), I woke up and marched to the freezer. The pre-mix wrote '30-minute' hence I was not in a rush to marinate the beef earlier. So, coolly (or rather, groggily) I reached for the white plastic bag in the freezer ( I AM THAT bad when I'm really sleepy). 

And then, I feel something thick. This was unlike the think container of the beef. Next, I saw something green peeked out of the plastic bag. It was not the green colour you find on bad meat, just the kind of green you found from Buncho (I kind of miss the brand's crayon. Do you know that the price has gone down? I might get the crayon and water colours one of these days. Not to use it, really, but just because I can. Sheer madness).

I am lost between the brackets. Let me see....

Oke green. It felt a bit thick like...

Darn it. I put my book into the freezer too. I was lucky no one discovered it or I'd have to endure a few hours lecture on " Expected Behaviour from A Lady".

Never, people, expect anything sensible when I'm sleepy. 

I guess it is not too late to wish Selamat Berpuasa!

P/S: Motif tajuk dalam Bahasa Melayu tapi tulis dalam Bahasa Inggeris? 

Perihal Ular

Beberapa minggu lepas, orang yang sewa tapak sebelah ni, jumpa ular sawa. Panggil bomba, rasanya macam dah setel. Hentah, tak tanya pulak.

Petang semalam, waktu nak buka, tiba-tiba kecoh sekejap. Waktu tu dah dekat jam 7. Tengah tunggu masa je bila nak susun makanan untuk membaham.

Kucing main dengan anak ular. Tak panjang dan diameternya pun tak besar. Lebih kurang jari hantu aku. Kalau jari syud, mungkin ibu jari. Orang yang jarinya runcing (beserta fizikal yang kurus dan ramping) mungkin perlu gabung dua jari kalau nak ukur anak ular itu. Kalau jari anak buah aku...

Ah sudah. Bergaduh pasal jari pula.

Pendek kata, kucing kami main ular sampai ular mati. Bagus juga adakucin kat rumah ni. Tapi aku paling meluat kalau semua tempat pun dia nak buat jamban.

Sudah lapan hari. Cepatnya masa berlalu.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Jadual Bulan Puasa

saya pulang dari pejabat jam tiga petang selalunya. sudah lima hari, berjaya pulang pada waktu tersebut. tradisi ini perlu diteruskan kalau tak mahu berbuka tengah jalan.

seringkali saya bersikap bongkak di Twitter kerana pulang awal (oke baiklah mengaku, maafkan saya). keji sungguh perangai berikut tetapi sedarkah anda sebenarnya saya sudah sangat penat di pejabat?

bangun: 5.15 pagi
kemudian sahur, siap bla bla.
6.15 sudah tunggu bas. sampai pejabat jam 7 lebih.

print berita, ringkaskan. submit. print lagi dan ringkaskan lagi. ulang selama lapan jam.

sangat mencabar keimanan, oke? jadi, tidaklah perlu sesiapa (baca: syud) jeles. koh koh.

P/S: hujung minggu untuk bekerja. see? saya jeles anda (baca:syud) tak keje.

Perihal Pac Man

Bukan bukan. Bukan main Pac Man. Dah lama tak main benda tu. Bukan sebab tak jumpa tapi sebab aku tidak hebat main Pac Man. Sokmolah kan termakan hantu. Mencik tapi sayang jugalah.

Bukan. Bukan tentang game. Tetapi tentang pola pemakanan. Minggu ini, rahang masih sakit. Waktu orang makan untuk berbuka seperti Pac Man, aku cuma makan perlahan-lahan di tepi. Sungguh rindukan zaman berebut semua benda. Dan aku tak semangat nak makan lama-lama. Elok jugalah. Tapi hari ni, memang sakit leher bila nak bercakap. Rasa macam tisu tertarik.

Hurm...I have a feeling that I shouldn't go on. Why? Someone cringed when I asked if the person can take a look at my scar. Nasib baik sepupu cukup berani untuk tangkap gambar parut. Gambar yang akan disimpan jadi kenangan. Hak hak.

Patutlah derang buat muka. Ngeri juga walaupun luka dah kering. Dahlah. Marilah tidur awal hari ini.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Memori Ramadhan (2)

Ini kisah lebih kurang sepuluh tahun dulu. Waktu itu, buka puasa dalam bulik je dengan kawan-kawan. Tah, kenapa tak buka kat tempat yang lagi luas pun tak tahuh. Malas nak berjalan mungkin. Entah, dah lama sangat.

Waktu itu, hostel sebelah masjid je. Oke bila teringat, malu juga ni tak pegi buka kat masjid terus. Cis. Anyways, mudahla, tak perlu pasang telinga dgn gigih pun boleh dengar azan.

Bukan macam kat rumah, buka di hostel cuma perlu tatang sebuah pinggan dan bawa diri ke kawasan berbuka. Mudah sangat-sangat. Tetapi biasalah, bkn macam dekat rumah, perlu menyibukkan diri dengan susun makanan, berebut ambik pinggan, berebut amik air tuang dalam cawan. Memang sengsara juga nak tunggu buka puasa.

Jadi, untuk membuang masa, aku lun mengadap word game dekat yahoo. Ala macam Scrabble lah. Maka, aku pun mainlah, dengan tunggu opponent semua. Dah set table, macam biasalah invite pemain. Yang bencinya, main game ni memang resminya kene tunggu orang. Lemah betul tapi nak buat macam mana.

Jadi tunggulah. Nak dekat buka tu, ada pulak orang US masuk table. Kalau ikut ID, bukan orang-orang yang berpuasa. Tapi takpe, itu tak penting.

Beberapa minit main, dah mula dengar orang nak azan. Apa lagi, terus terjun ke tenpat duduk. Game aku biarkan.

Kalau buka ramai-ramai ni, patut bole siap makan dalam 10 minit tapi siap dalam masa 20 minit. Bila aku teringat aku tgh main scrabble, aku tgk opponents aku dok terhelo-helo dah dekat 20 minit.

Kesian. Saya tidak sengajalah.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Memori Ramadhan

Lapan tahun. Waktu itu hanya ada aku, nenek dengan atuk di rumah ini. Memang manjalah jawabnya. Puasa pun bila dah berapa tahun. Lambat juga. Dulu, meja makan kami kat atas. Sekarang je meja makan dekat dapur.

Walaupun aku sekolah perempuan, aktif boleh tahan. Jadi bila dah balik rumah, memang leper la jawabnya. Tapi kene tolong juga siapkan tempat makan. Bila makanan dah dibawa naik atas, yang tinggal cuma jag berisi teh. Akulah kena bawa.

Masa tu tinggal berapa minit je lagi nak buka. Serius berapa minit je lagi. Tapi memang dahaga gila, Tuhan je yag tau. On the way nak bawa jag naik atas, aku minum air. Ceh! Sungguh tak senonoh. But desperate times call for desperate measures (konon). Tak semenggah betul.

Terus serta-merta rasa segar-bugar. Bila naik atas, atuk aku ckp 'dia dh minum air tu'. Haih. Memang tak boleh sorok apa-apalah.

Nasib baik tak kena marah.

Sekarang tak buat dah. Walaupun tersentak bila ada bau kopi dekat pejabat.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Ikea

Emak saya super comel. Beliau nak pergi ke Ikea padahal saya jarang sgt ke sana. Boring kot jalan kat Midvalley je. Tapi saya risau juga. Pintu keluar ikea tu rasanya tak byk. Bagaimanakah kalau beliau tidak larat berjalan? Kesian beliau.

Rasanya, elok kalau saya bawa bakul piknik sekali. Dalam tu ada makanan dan minuman kalau beliau tak larat. Mungkin beliau tidak akan berasa penat hinggalah sampai ke bahagian katil. So, breakfast in bed, mom?

Nantilah aku usahakan. Aku bukan suka sangat pergi Ikea tu. Sekejap, jangan lahar aku dulu. Itu semua salah aku. Lepas terpaksa jalan tiga jam dengan high heels, aku tobat dah nak pergi situ. Serius.

Lagi-lagi pulak aku ni gilakan buku lebih daripada benda lain. Semalam bole pulak beli the Big Friendly Giant dan George's Marvellous Medicine sedangkan baru je beli Guards! Guards! Guards! dan Eric (Terry Pratchett). Padahal ada lagi dua buku tak habis baca, sentuh pun tidak.

Sudah lewat. Patutnya dh mengantuk sekarang. Marilah rangsang rasa mengantuk.

Sent from my iPad

Ramadhan muncul lagi

Semoga Ramadhan tahun ini lebih baik daripada Ramadhan yang lps-lps. Alhamdulillah, jumpa lagi kita dengan Ramadhan kali ini.

Selamat berpuasa :)

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Ide

Salah seorang penulis kegemaran aku adalah Roald Dahl (bahan bacaan aku terhad). Beliau seorang RAF fighter dan mungkin lebih dikenali ramai melalui Matilda. Matilda kisah seorang anak kecil yang mampu menggerakkan barang-barang melalui pandangan. Hebat kan?

Beliau juga penulis buku Chalie and the Chocolate Factory serta The Luncheon (atau Lamb to the Slaughter). Soalnya, bagaimana dia dapat idea sebegitu?

Aku paling suka tulisan Big Friendly Giant (The BFG) beliau. Buku itulah yan menyebabkan aku jatuh cinta pada Dahl, pada usia lebih kurang 23 tahun. Sejak itu, aku sering buru buku dia (kalau dapat koleksi buku mamat ni sbg hadiah bes juga ehem).

Arthur Conan Doyle, penulis Sherlock Holmes. Aku terpesona macam mana dia boleh tulis misteri-misteri penyiasat itu yang pelbagai. Maksud aku yang di dalam buku, bukan di layar perak.

Bagaimana mahu dapat ide sehebat mereka? Jeleslah jeles. Mereka ini ada bela toyol untuk dpt idea ke? Adakah ini bermakna aku perlu puja idea?

Oke. Ini sudah jadi ckp orang gila.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Insurans

Seingat aku, aku mula beli premium insurans masa praktikal, rasanya tahun 2006. Waktu itu aku rasa seriua kerja di kilang begitu dengan kereta lalu-lalang dengan kerap. Ini kerana dalam bank aku tiada USD 6,000 untuk bayar untuk prosedur di hospital. Tak sedaplah susahkan keluarga.

Kemudian, kawan aku tidak lagi jadi agen di syarikat tersebut maka aku pun belot. Macam biasalah. Alhamdulillah, aku dapat kerja cepat jadi tiada masalah keputusan wang utk bayar premium.

Langit tidak selalu cerah. Kadang-kadang pembakaran hutan di negara jiran menyebabkan langit Malaysia turut jerebu. Begitulah juga dengan kehidupan ini. Tahun 2011 yang dijangkakan berjalan dengan lancar, tersengguk-sengguk sedikit dek kes baru-baru ini. Maka, aku telah pun menggunakan khidmat insurans untuk menyelesaikan bil di hospital. Sayang, tapi apa guna kau melabur bulan-bulan kalau tak duduk percuma di hospital tanpa perlu pening kepala bukan?

Betul, ada yang kata tak boleh niat yang insurans akan membantu kita nanti. Tapi ini kenyataan yang buat aku rasa nak sumbat mulut tukang cakap dengan roti basi. Aku tak tau siapa yang buat lawak;agen atau tukang cakap. Memanglah insurans tu takkan tolong kau 100%, itu bangang namanya. Tapi, kalau kau ada USD 800,000 dalam tangan, ye, tak perlu risau tentang insurans. Kalau tiba-tiba perlu buat surgeri apa-apa, bayar tunai, tak perlu susah-susah. Tapi, untuk golongan marhaen seperti aku, itu perlu.

Kalau anda sudah kerja lebih empat bulan dan company insurance cover, itu memang nasib baik. Masalahnya kalau kau baru kerja dua setengah bulan dan ditimpa kecelakaan pula. Duit pula mungkin jadi isu. Ouh itu memang pening kepala.

Kesimpulannya? Cuba beli insurans. Bukan untuk orang lain. Kalau kita pergi dulu, InsyaAllah kalau kena caranya, tak tinggalkan beban yang super banyak pada keluarga. Kan molek tu?

Tak, aku tak jual insurans. Ini cuma nasihat. Tak nak ikut sudah. Aku cuma isi masa lapang dan tunggu waktu tidur.

Hui dah mengantuk. Rasa mahu tidur sekalipun bola tak abes lagi.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal 'Sakit Berpindah-pindah'

Satu hari, sakit berpindah-pindah. Hari ini tak boleh telan air liur. Esok tak boleh telan makanan, kena telengkan kepala ke kanan sikit. Eh bukanlah tak boleh tapi lebih susah daripada biasa.

Alhamdulillah, tak datang sekali. Kalau tidak tak tahulah nak cope mcm mana. Nasib baik ada painkiller. Sekarang ni dah tak tahan mata dah. Tidur terus selamba, tak fikir apa. Barulah bengkak kecil banyak. Kalau tak kecil juga, tadah telingalah kena leter sebab aktif. Ala kalau tak aktif, makin sakitlah jadinya, asyik fokus pada penyakit.

Yang merisaukan aku adalah claim untuk past consultation. Agen yang sepatutnya ambil akaun aku mcm buat tatau saja. Macamlah aku hebat sangat kan nak selesaikan borang claim. Tengok borang claim terus rasa nak makan bufet (nota: bila aku tertekan, aku akan makan). Nasib baiklah sudah dapat pengganti untuk ambil alih akaun aku. Heh, bunyi mcm besar sgt kan akaun? Tapi kesihatan orang tu, bahaya tau.

Ini adalah kali kedua aku bertemu dengan mangkuk yang menjelma menjadi agen insurans. Maafkan aku tapi memang terengsa. Orang amanahkan kau untuk jaga akaun mereka, tolong jangan tabur pasir ke periuk nasi sendiri. Bila orang tanya soalan, tolong berusaha untuk selesaikan kekusutan itu. Susah sangat kah?

Kalau masa nak suruh sain tu, lembut gigi dari lidah. Memang lembut sangat-sangat. Semua boleh, semua takde masalah. Bila orang nak tanya soalan sikit, terus tak nampak bayang. Susah tau macam ni. Bayangkan orang tu kat hospital, nak tau macam mana prosedur claim. Kesian dia. Bukan senang nak faham.

Ya, itulah yang mengganggu fikiran saya. Kalau kita ada track yang bagus, rasanya aku dengan sukacita dan sukahati lalala akan rujuk kepada kawan-kawan. Tapi bila perangai dah mirip mangkuk jamban ni yang buat orang rasa terengsa.

Sakit di rahang berpindah ke hati. Inilah buktinya.

Ah sudahlah. Benda dah selesai pun. Sekarang nak rujuk corak cross stitch hihi. Rasa dah oke sikit ni nak menjahit.

Sent from my iPad

Pecah oleh Khairulnizam Bakeri

ini pendapat peribadi sahaja. ia tidak boleh diambil sebagai satu ulasan yang mempunyai kredibiliti dan mengubah kadar infasi negara.

ini memang page turner. baru keluar dari hospital tapi berani lawan mata sampai jam tiga pagi. inilah kesan buku ini kepada saya.

pengajaran: jangan makan ubat sebelum baca buku ini. nanti anda yang pening kepala tahan mata.

salah aku, aku buka buku ini dengan satu persepsi di dalam kepala aku. 'Pening'; ini sepupu aku yang sebut. Maka aku buka buku ini dengan debaran malah menjangkakan yang aku akan dikecewakan. Di situlah silap aku yang paling besar kerana ia langsung tidak mengecewakan.

Penulis ini sabar; sabar mengupas cerita satu demi satu. Dari segi jalan cerita dan latar belakang watak, semuanya dikupas dengan cukup sabar. Ada orang guna formula 'depan, tengah, belakang'- baca mukasurat depan, tengah dan belakang buku. Cara ini tak jalan kalau kau nak kepuasan. Sekadar tahu siapa yang menjadi dalang di sebalik rompakan bank, mungkin boleh.

Cerita dimulakan dengan rompakan di bank menggunakan teksi oleh sekumpulan lelaki berabaya. Kelihatan seperti satu rompakan yang mudah tetapi yang menghairankan, selain daripada wang, ada sesuatu yang hilang dari simpanan bank. Nah, dari sinilah jalan cerita itu berjalan. Dari rumah orang tua, hospital, polis, rumah Herman, flashback Herman dan kembali ke hospital. Di sebalik satu kes, tersembunyi satu kisah yang sedih.

Cerita ini banyak menggunakan flashback yang sangat penting untuk menjelaskan kaitan Lidya, Alan, Radi, Don, Herman dan Bakar. Seorang lelaki tua yang koma bernama Bakar, mempunyai banyak kaitan di dalam cerita ini. Mula-mula, gayanya macam nak menerangkan tentang kekesalan seorang tua tetapi kemudian ia berkembang menjadi sesuatu yang lain.

Twist dalam cerita ini cukup subtle. Seperti biasa, penjenayah akan create diversion. Dari tempat kejadian, hospital, rumah penjenayah tetapi rupa-rupanya, tempat yang patut dituju adalah hospital. Buat penat saja polis study rakaman CCTV di bank padahal itu sudah jauh daripada pusat misteri. Kunci kepada misteri ada di dalam hospital, bukan di luar kawasan hospital. Sekali lagi, buang masa polis buat sekatan jalan di luar hospital.

Memang betul, apa yang kita cari kadang-kadang ada di depan mata. Buat penat cari jauh-jauh.

Ini adalah novel Melayu bergenre jenayah/ misteri pertama yang aku baca dan sangat berpuas hati. Tahap kepuasannya sama ketika Sherlock Holmes mula jelaskan kes jenayahnya.

Ini betul-betul buku yang tidak mengecewakan aku.

Perihal Mahu Sembuh

Hari ini hari ketiga selepas pembedahan. Sudah baik sikit. Lebih baik dari semalam. Semalam lagi teruk. Nak telan air pun susah tapi digagahkan juga sebab takut nanti badan tak boleh nak cepat sembuh. Jadi, kena sengetkan kepala ke kanan sikit masa telan air. Rasa kulit macam ditarik-tarik, cekang masa telan air. Seksa ooo. Tak kena tak tau.

Kemudian, benang yan berjuntai dekat leher pun bikin panas juga. Cuaca yang panas menambahkan rasa gatal. Ikut hati memang nak garu dengan gigih tapi takut pulak kalau tercabut jahitan ke apa. Takkan aku nak buat cross stitch kat leher sendiri. Doktor je yang hebat buat cross stitch dekat leher aku.

Hari ni memang rasa kurang best. Rasa lost. Hari ni hari apa sebenarnya? Kalau tak kerja, mulalah jadi macam ini. Lupa hari, lupa masa, lupa dekat mana. Yang terakhir tu terjadi bila aku pindah, tumpang lodging sepupu. Lupa hari agak menyusahkan kalau nak tengok TV. Bukan astro tapi tv yang biasa tu. Kalau salah hari, terlepaslah cerita deka TV. Ceh, sakit-sakit pun ada hati nak tengok TV segala.

Semalam pun salah sendiri. Boleh pulak berjaga lama-lama sampai jam dua tiga pagi. Sebabnya hari sabtu dan ahad sudah tidur lama. Konon nak buat benda berfaedah, menipu sangat. Dok main solitaire la hape lah. Padahal banyak lagi benda yang kuran membuang masa daripada itu.

Tadi petang pun dah keliru hari ini hari apa. Serius ingatkan Ahad. Kalau tidur yang black plunging hole, tanpa mimpi memang selalu buat aku keliru. Rasa macam waktu petang sudah jadi hari lain.

Rupanya hari Isnin. Pretty Little Liars. Budak-budak kecil yang cun nak arwah. Alhamdulillah aku lahir dekat Malaysia. Peer pressure juga kalau lahir deka luar negara lepas tu hari-hari nak dress up kasi cun. Kalau tak cun, kena buli. Itu baru cun, belum kurus lagi. Which is masalah aku satu lagi.

Rajin pula mengarang hari ni. Maklum, tak mengarang di pejabat. Ini lepas geram la.

Ha sudahlah tu. Mari sambung tgk cerita apa ni tah tak tahu hujung pankal.

Sent from my iPad

Kasino : Saifullizan Tahir

Seronok menjengah ke dalam kehidupan manusia. Kalau tak, takkanlah ada term celebrity bloggers, ye tak?

Aku bukan nak bercakap tentang itu. Itu kau punya suka.

Buku ini seronok diselak, sekalipun kadang-kadang terasa sesak. Sesak dek kerana Segalanya daripada pandangan Mohd Narcissus. Patutlah orang pernah pesan elakkan daripada pilih cara penulisan begini. Tapi itu masalah aku, abaikan.

Bagaimana nak cekau duit lebih kurang RM 4 juta dalam masa beberapa hari? Bisnes ada, bisnes gundik pun ada. Tetapi bukan senang nak cari pembeli dalam masa yang singkat. Maka, watak utama perlu cari jalan.

Cara cerita ini berjalan cantik sekali. Kronologinya kemas. Flashback yang Dilakarkan tidak cacamerba. Memang jadi leka dibuatnya.

Seronok berjalan dalam cerita ini, semacam boleh merasa semuanya. Pengalaman Narcissus di Australia, di restoran dan F1, antaranya. Tabik pada penulis kerana berani menggunakan nama asal watak-watak di dalam cerita ini seperti Dina Zaman dan parti politik di Malaysia.

Aku tiada masalah dengan watak di dalam cerita ini. Minum alkohol sudah macam ikan, simpan gundik dua tiga orang (eh ke empat?) tetapi solat tak tinggal. Tidak, bukan aku tidak kisah. Tapi daripada risaukan watak yang entah wujud entah tidak, baiklah dikaji akan sindiran yang mungkin diselitkan penulis daripada watak yang begitu. Usah melatah sangat.

Untuk watak itu, I rest my case. Aku bukan moral police.

Perihal Pembedahan

aku takut malam tu. serius takut. takut sebab nak masuk bilik bedah, bukan sebab duduk sorang dalam bilik tu. lagi satu, aku takut beku sebab aircond sangat sejuk. Dah beberapa kali aku naikkan suhu pun tak mahu juga panas. Beberapa kali aku pergi bilik air malam tu, suhu naik kembali.
Hurm. Aku rasa ada entiti yang nak bergura dengan aku.
BP untuk satu malam itu memang tinggi sebab cuak. Buktinya lepas pembedahan, BP turun jadi normal. Buang masa juga la tertanya-tanya ada darah tinggi ke tak. Padahal oke je.
Operation tu kat leher, sah-sah memang pengsan terus. Oh ye, nak betulkan saliva gland. Phew, nasib bak bukan lymph node.
Pengsan tu bukan sikit-sikit. Tengok muka doktor mana yang bedah pun tak tau. Bila mereka pakaikan topeng pun tak pasti. Perkara terakhir yang aku ingat adalah nurse bergosip tentang fesyen.
Bangun sahaja dari pembedahan, sakit terasa berganda-ganda. Dapat dengar degupan jantung laju sangat. Kemudian doktor pun benamkan jarum kat peha, sampai sekarang boleh rasa.
Walaupun ini pembedahan kecil, sakit jugalah sampai sekarang. Hui memang berdoa tade apa-apa ni. Jadi terima kasihlah kepada semua yang wish, yang datang. Terima kasih banyak-banyak. Efek painkiller dah mula ni.

Perihal Post-Hospital

i'm walking in clouds, still. but everything is oke alhamdulillah. never thought it will be good being knocked out totally like that.

nak cari bantal. cross stitch dekat leher ni agak mengganggu juga haih.

Perihal Perasaan Ketika Ini (Pre Check In to Hospital)

Tuhan je yang tau. dalam kepala cuma ada emak sahaja. aku minta janganlah aku susahkan dia. Biar aku susah tak pe, aku kuat lagi.

apa pun keputusan lepas ini, aku terima tapi aku harap tak jejaskan mak.

sebab itulah aku tak nak cuti. sebab nanti macam-macam bermain di fikiran. macam mana kalau itu betul kanser? apa rawatan seterusnya. macam mana nak jaga.

baru tulis dah pening kepala.

sekarang kena pergi cari beg. takkan nak bawa travelling bag. takde kerja.

Perihal Kim Kardashian dan Kita

Kita sebenarnya, tak banyak beza pun dengan keluarga Kim Kardashian. Tidak seperti mereka, kita mungkin lebih gemarkan kopi atau teh. Bila berkumpul ramai-ramai, adalah yang bergaduh la, bertekaklah.

Sama kan?

Kita pun ada ada video masa kecil dulu, macam adik-beradik Kim Kardashian. Kene gelak dengan adik, abang, kakak; biasalah tu.

Mungkin tak sama dengan mereka tetapi kita juga main Saidina atau Monopoly. Bila nak main tu, ada yang menganjing; itu wajib.

Jelas tidak apa yang kita buat sama dengan apa Kim Kardashian buat. Bezanya mungkin kita duduk di rumah pakai seluar trek dan kain batik dengan t-shitt bertulis 'runs on evil intention'. Kalau kita tukar pakaian, besar kemungkinan mungkin akan sama.

Sebab itulah aku tak berapa nak faham motif Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Tapi mungkin itu silap aku.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Pembedahan Kecil

Minggu depan. Minggu depan aku akan kembali ke hospital untuk buang tumor di leher. Yang bengkak itu lymph node tetapi ada sesuatu yang asing pada thyroid aku. Entah. Apa-apa sajalah.

Ada banyak benda yang asing pada aku. Masuk ke bilik bedah nanti adalah satu lagi perkara asing. Lutut ketar? Jangan cakaplah. Aku tahu minggu depan tapi cuak woi.

Bengkak di leher menyebabkan dua tiga doktor pegang-pegang leher aku. Seorang doktor memang hampir grip batang leher aku. Tangan lelaki grip leher, terus terbayang cerita Criminal Minds. Seriau.

Ada sesuatu dekat dengan thyroid. Doktor pegang leher, jari tekan satu bahagian leher dan suruh telan. Ingat senang ke nak telan? Aku dah nampak bintik-bintik gelap masa tu, tanda nak pitam. Tak cukup tunjuk dalam ultrasound, kene cucuk dengan jari plak. Ni yang saya lemah tau doktor.

Yang aku risaukan nanti di hospital. Ramailah yang nak tunggu. Ak bukan tak suka, tapi kalau dua malam duduk sahajalah di rumah. Nanti nak remove tumour pun akan pengsan. Tak berguna teman aku pun.

Kesian emak. Aku tau dia risau tapi ini small surgery sahaja. Takde apa sangat perlu risau. Well, aku harap tak perlu ada apa nak risaulah.

Dah lewat. Aku baru habis kerja. Entah pukul berapa nak tidur.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Putus Cinta

Perihal Putus Cinta

'Ah, the innocence of young love,' kawan aku bercakap gaya poetic. Kerana aku begitu jaded, aku cuma jeling dia dengan wajah entah apa-apa.

' Sad to say, it was so long ago,' aku berkata dengan nada suara bitter. Macam biasa.

Kami nampak dua orang remaja sedang berpimpin tangan. Nampak sangat muda, cinta budak sekolah. Masih suci, belum corrupted lagi.

Itu semua saat kau tak tahu boipren kau kentut busuk. Tunggu nanti dah break. Al Pacino pun nampak jinak di mata kau.

Dia putus cinta mungkin. Ah, rilek. Perjalanan kau masih jauh (amin). Tapi dua tiga hari ini, memang akan rasa macam sampah sikit. Layankan. Cuma pastikan pada hari ketiga, kau dah oke.

Kekasih ni, ramai orang boleh kutip tepi jalan. Sama juga akal. Memang selalu orang lempar-lempar tepi jalan juga.

Jangan sampai itu jadi pada kita. Amin.

Tidurlah hati yang kecewa. Cara cold turkey itu lebih elok. Tak payah tengok muka buat kali terakhir apa jadah. Bukan ada iras Johnny Depp pun.

Sent from my iPad

Perihal Pemeriksaan

pagi tadi eh bukan tengahari tadi, aku dapat keputusan pemeriksaan darah. elok-elok sebelum darah aku naik sebab aku terpaksa tunggu dekat 30 minit. sudahlah lapar pum-pang-pum-pang perut aku tadi. rasa nak pang! sesuatu tadi. bahan bacaan tiada pula. yang ada cuma majalah FHM entah kurun keberapa yang penuh dengan perkataan 'sex'. dan booze. tak boleh iklan air murah sikit ke macam air milo kotak ke?


mula-mula macam malas juga nak masuk bilik jumpa doktor. tapi akhirnya kena juga. ESR (erythrocyte sedimentation rate) agak tinggi dari biasa. 


alah, biasalah tu doktor. manusia mutant macam saya memang selalu mempunyai isu seperti itu. 


disebabkan itu, doktor telah menepati janji beliau dan menyerahkan surat cinta untuk dibawa ke hospital yang berdekatan. bengkak di leher belum mahu surut dan nampaknya ada sesuatu yang terjadi dalam badan aku kerana tindakbalas di dalam badan sedikit aktif.


masa tu aku dah rasa macam-macam. perut yang lapar terus jadi kenyang (aku qada' makan tengahari dengan makan malam pada jam 7 malam). seperti biasa, perkara buruk yang melintas dalam kepala adalah kanser. ouh perkara kedua terburuk selepas tuberculosis. kanser kerana rasanya it is in the genes.

aku tabahkan hati dan tengok sahaja doktor tulis surat cinta. mula-mula minta doktor pergi PPUM tetapi kemudian setelah disuruh (dipaksa mungkin) maka aku pun tukar kepada tempat lain. aku kurang kesabaran. mahu tunggu 4 jam semata-mata untuk didiagnos boleh naik darah ke kepala. jadi, aku pilih tempat lain sahaja. 


jam 2.30 petang aku berambus dari pejabat. biar apa pun, aku perlu tahu apa benjolan di leher aku. dan disebabkan aku tidak akan bersenam di KLCC petang ini seperti yang dirancangkan, aku memilih untuk memanjat bukit ke hospital tersebut. penat? lencun juga baju aku sebenarnya tetapi tidak mengapa. bukan itu yang aku risaukan tetapi kasut aku. memanjat bukit dengan kasut yang tidak sesuai hanya akan mendatangkan masalah. habis haus tapak kasut aku.

menunggu tidak lama, aku diperiksa seorang jururawat. 
' BP tinggi ye?'
' saya baru panjat bukit tadi'. kami sama-sama tergelak. aku gelakkan diri sendiri, dia juga begitu. aku pasti. aku peluk chest x-ray aku. baik aku bawak siap-siap, tak mahu didedahkan kepada sinar X. kalau boleh jadi X-man adalah juga hasil. 


masuk pulak bilik pemeriksaan. ada katil tapi macam segan pulak dan tidur. penyakit kat leher, buang tebiat ke nak tidur-baring bagai. jadi aku duduk sahajalah di katil sambil belek-belek selimut hijau. cantik juga, macam selimut berkait. rasa nak sumbat dalam beg bawa balik tapi macam tak semenggah pula. 


duduk-duduk, borak-borak dan doktor keluar. hey, perlu ke buat muka cuak? kalau doktor buat muka cuak, dalam hati jadi bergelodak. dan doktor kemudian berlalu membawa gambar sinar x aku. duduk lagi. 


kemudian doktor bertanyakan soalan yang mungkin punca semua ini. 
' do you have cats at home?'


this is the very reason i hate cats. they go inside and out of heaven-knows where and the one who suffers is you. 


kemudian doktor berlalu lagi. entah untuk apa, aku sibuk dengan telefon aku. 


hasilnya, aku perlu jumpa specialist esok. memandangkan sudah ada dalam sejarah keluarga, baiklah aku pergi jumpa doktor. kalau takde apa-apa, anggap sahaja ini pemeriksaan tahunan. 


cuma yang aku risaukan sekarang adalah work arrangement. mungkin boleh fikir di starbucks yang berada di hospital tersebut. 


ye, saya gayat nampak starbucks dalam hospital. esok nak duduk dekat dengan starbucks untuk internet percuma. sila usah salah faham. 

Perihal Cerita Hantu

ye, lagi. I'm a sucker for ghost stories, nak buat macam mana.

kadang-kadang ...oke tipu, selalu. selalu lepak dengan kawan-kawan dan kalau terkeluar cerita hantu, semua sama je pesennye aku tgk. jadi, ini telah membuahkan idea.

jadi, dua tiga minggu ini rasanya aku akan mengalami overdose cerita hantu. dan juga mungkin mengalami ketakutan sementara bila nak bangun pergi bilik air pada jam 2.30 pagi.

Jaded

ini luahan entah apa-apa. anda sudah diingatkan. 

kalau boleh, aku mahu berfikiran positif setiap masa. sepanjang hari.

kalau bolehlah. tapi aku ini cuma insan biasa. bila sudah terjadi sesuatu perkara, aku rasa macam sudah kena langgar dengan garuda, dilenyek bulldozer kemudian dicabul. dicabul di sini mungkin dicabul hak asasi, hak mengundi dan apa-apa lagilah. pendek kata, perasaan yang sungguh terfaktab sekali.

there, i've said it.

aku tidak pernah mahu jadi sinikal. penat. kalau boleh aku ingin lihat dunia ini di sebalik rose-tinted glasses; selalunya indah dan sempurna. tidak pernah berlaku murphy's law atau pasti ada hikmah yang datang dua tiga saat selepas sesuatu terjadi. but life doesn't work that way. when you wanted chocolatte, sometimes you'll get lemon. dan pengalaman mendapat lemon itulah yang perit untuk difahamkan.

' as people get older, they get more cynical'. i know i've been bitter. heck, i'm bitter. a friend knows this too well.

i know i cannot blame anything. this is the lesson that i have to take. like the lesson of falling down simultaneously while learning how to ride a bike. looking at my right hand, the scar is still there. a scar that may not even heal.

sometimes i just want to pack my bag and flee. but is that what i want to do for the rest of my life? flee whenever problem arise? is that how i'm going to lead my life?

mungkin inilah last straw itu. aku jadi tambah sinikal bila orang bercakap tentang cinta dan perhubungan, kehidupan juga. like it will get better like how? yang aku nampak hutang membukit keliling aku. yang aku rasa penat amat-amat. macam aku cakap tadi, nak lari dan tinggalkan hutang belajar di sini. bina hidup baru konon-kononnya.

ya, right. what if it becomes worse?

apa-apa yang kawan aku cerita, aku dengar, angguk tapi dalam hati Tuhan saja tahu apa yang bersarang. i'm happy for my friends, don't get me wrong but when it comes to myself that i have serious doubt. maafkan aku, Tuhan. aku terkhilaf.

aku kira aku sangat bertuah. tak bertuah ke kalau dapat kawan yang tak perlu disuruh pun dia boleh belikan kau makan tengahari waktu kau terperangkap di klinik nak periksa kesihatan?

sudah sampai di hujung ini, aku tahu aku yang salah. berikan aku peluang dan kekuatan untuk hadapi ini semua dengan rasional. pinjamkan sedikit sabar, sedikit pun jadilah.

The Lump on The Neck

It happened two weeks ago, specifically on 1 July 2011. I woke up and immediately realised a lump on my neck. A lump, anywhere on our bodies, are usually associated with cancer.

Naturally, I freaked out. And here's why.

During the previous week, an uncle succumbed to cancer. He died of lung cancer that was discovered a wee bit late. The only consolation was that he didn't suffer long. The disease was discovered at the last stage.

Last year, another auntie became a victim of ceervical cancer. In the 40's, she just recently got married. But it was fated. She didn't suffer long though.

The previous year, her mother failed in the battle against breast cancer. Three, three relatives.

So you see, cancer is very near my family. Hence, discovery of such lump on my neck caused me to go into a frenzy. Almost immediately, I pestered syud (resident pharmacist in kapasitor. Kidding) and started shooting questions. 'Not tonsil, maybe TB', she said. Since the lump grew overnight, I really cannot say if I had fever the previous night.

There was nothing to do except visit the doctor. It was one tender lump and the doctor wanted me to come back after one week if the lump is still day. It was just my luck that the lump didn't decrease in size and sent me into panic.

And here I'm, happy and grateful as can be since the doctor cleared my chest x-ray was oke (loves the compliment that the doctor said my x-ray was excellent. Hihi). And for the cancer, there was no mention of it. Alhamdulillah, one cause to be extremely happy about.

I'm still waiting for my blood test result. It may return something, it may not. The doctor has cautioned that I might be sent to the hospital for check up if anything happens. But looking at the lump now, it was just my luck that it is getting smaller now. :-l.

terdiam. sampai hilang kata-kata.

kecewa tu, jangan kira la. putus cinta pun tak macam ni (kot).

mungkin tak nampak sekarang. entah.

note: on an emotional turmoil. 

the one time that you willed yourself to cry and the tears won't come. the news of a guy you really like is now in a relationship doesn't even make you sad. instead, you end up smiling at the sweet posts he put up for his girlfriend. the lucky girl.

the heavy feeling has settled quite nicely inside, i'm afraid. it just won't come out.

four lines later, i'm still struggling to push the tears out. man.

semua orang berhak ada perasaan. semua orang berhak terasa. dan semua orang juga berhak berasa emosi. aku juga berhak berasa sensitif.

peraturan no 1 yang aku ingat, yang diajar oleh saudara-saudara lelaki aku; kalau sensitif, jangan ngada-ngada nak bergurau lebih-lebih dgn org. nanti kalau kena pada diri sendiri, menangis.

jadi, kalau aku tak nak kena buli sampai menangis, lebih baik aku jangan mula usik saudara-saudara aku. nak mengadu dekat mak abah? gila kau.

senang kan? kalau tak nak terasa, jangan buat kat orang. nanti kalau orang balas, kita yang makan hati. nanti kita yang terjerit-jerit. waktu itu nak pindahkan kesalahan pada orang lain? terlambat dah weih.

jarang orang nak ingat bila dia dah cakap 'i don't need anyone else' (juga peringatan pada penulis). bila itu dah terlepas, dan orang balas balik dengan tak pedulikan kita dan boleh pulak ulang balik kata-kata tu, tolonglah don't act like a victim. macam itu semua kita tak tempah sendiri.

you know, orang sebenarnya tak berapa nak kisah sangat pasal kita. serius. semua orang ada hidup masing-masing. jadi, bila kita dah buang orang, jangan dok harap sangatlah dia dengan senang hati lalalala nak sedekah masa kat kita. dia pun ada life dia sendiri (which is in no way am i trying to imply that anyone has no life whatsoever).  simpati dia bukan percuma. ada bayaran.

tak perlu jadi hipokrit. selagi seseorang masih boleh beri kepentingan pada kita, selagi itulah kita akan jadi kawan dia. dan tolonglah tak perlu susah-susah reka cerita.

sekarang aku taulah, yang gila dan delusional itu sebenarnya bukan orang lain.

kalau birat di tangan, pendek macam mana pun, akan ada rasa sakit.

macam juga kamu dan kamu.

bukan. bukan aku. dan barangkali bukan kamu. siapa tahu?

ini cerita kosong ala-ala bimbo. anda sudah diberi amaran.

semalam aku tonton damping malam. saja, nak support industri filem tempatan (dengan tidak membeli CD cetak rompak, sekadar tonton di astro sahaja).

tak, tak seram pun. masa sekolah dulu, koridor terang. dorm masyaAllah gelap ya amat. dalam filem pula terbalik. hilang feel. bukan aku saja cakap mcm tu, sepupu aku pun kata begitu.

cerita ini terlalu bergantung pada elemen 'terkejut' untuk menakutkan penonton. sumpah cerita pendek budak-budak dok cerita masa lights off dulu lebih seram daripada cerita ini.

sepanjang-panjang cerita aku tak fokus. tapi aku mengakulah, ada satu part tu aku sangat terkejut.

part sepupu lelaki aku menjerit bila anak amy mastura bertukar rupa jadi hantu. terkejut sebab dia jerit, bukan sebab muka budak tu. muka berubah sampai gitu sekali tak seram weih. yang seram sebenarnya bila muka nampak biasa tapi sebenarnya bukan dia.

cth mcm kau ajak roommate kau teman pegi tandas. tapi sebenarnya dia takde sebab dia balik bermalam.

ada rasa tanak pergi toilet tak malam ni? :D.

ayah kepada seorang rakan telah kembali ke rahmatullah. innalillah. sedih. siapa tak sedih.

tetapi aku paling lemah hadapi situasi begini. aku sendiri sudah kehilangan ayah dan aku sendiri pernah rasa bahawa tiada sepatah kata di dunia ini mampu mengubah apa-apa. 'sabar, takziah, dia sudah pergi' itu semua ayat-ayat yang bermaksud baik. tetapi seriously, it didn't change anything. dan yang lebih merimaskan, aku tak tau nak reply mcm mana bila orang ckp mcm tu.

and words fail me again. yang aku mampu buat adalah pegang bahu dia bila dia menangis. dan aku pun turut menangis sama; ini refleks. aku tak boleh buat apa-apa.

there's hardly a day that goes by without remembering my late father. there's always that tiny little things that will bring the memory back to him. how he is great with kids, how he speaks patiently and how nice his teeth were. but those are things that you have to live with.

i don't know if it gets better. but for me, he's in a much better place now. there's nothing that i can do except go on with life. he will want us to do just that.

ini merupakan tahun keempat Abah kembali pada Tuhan.