Sebuah buku, sekeping hati

' Ah you and your books,' Laura merungut sambil mengenakan subang di telinga.

 

Entah apalagi yang perempuan dari Singapura ini tidak puas hati.

 

Sarah meletakkan jari ke atas tempat akhir dia menghabiskan ayat lalu mengangkat pandangan ke arah Laura. ' Kenapa, Laura?' tanya Sarah dengan sabar. Melayan Laura selalunya tidak ubah seperti layan kanak-kanak kecil. Emosinya tidak sah kalau tidak beralun kiri-kanan tidak tentu masa.

 

' Kita on holiday kot. What are you doing with that book? Tak mau ikut aku ke? Tadi petang, Amal..'

 

Sudah semestinya ada sebab yang cukup jelas kenapa Laura tiba-tiba sibuk bersiap cantik untuk keluar petang ini. Ini; pada waktu ini, di tepi pulau yang entah di mana. Pastilah sebab seorang lelaki. Laura, si social butterfly.

 

' ...asked if we would like to hang out tonight. He gets off early tonight.'

 

Bosan. Sudahlah di tempat sendiri pun tidak putus undangan 'minum', 'lepak', 'chill' dan 'hangout' kalau bersama Laura, takkanlah di sini juga Sarah perlu terus-terusan menolak?

 

' Apa kata you je pergi, Laura? As my representative,' Sarah menjawab, nada suara dibiarkan mendatar untuk menekankan bahawa dia tidak berminat. Bukan sahaja tidak berminat, malah ragu. Beach boys, kita tahu perangai mereka macam mana.

 

' You are no fun at all,' Laura berkata sambil mengenakan secalit lagi gincu.

 

' Baru tau ke?' Sarah berkata, perlahan.

 

' I beg your pardon?" Laura berhenti di depan pintu sambil menggengam tombol.

 

' Takde apa. I was reading to myself. You have fun!' Sarah cuma tersenyum lebar.

 

' Ulat buku. How can you get a boyfriend like this?' itulah kata-kata Laura yang terakhir sebelum pintu ditutup. Sarah cuma tersengih, senget. Telefon yang diselitkan di bawah peha dikeluarkan.

 

Satu pesanan ringkas yang bertanyakan ' Sayang, dah makan malam?' dibaca dengan senyuman.

 

Semuanya kerana sebuah buku. Dan, kalau Laura dapat tahu, mesti dia naik hantu.

 

Tiga bulan sebelumnya..

 

' Ala you kenal. I tau kau kenal sebab dia selalu makan dekat City Walk dekat gerai tu...yang jual ikan bakar tu,' Laura menekan-nekan pipi sendiri.

 

' Ouh ye. Tahu. Tapi takde masa aku nak tengok orang. Check out ikan lagi bagus,' Sara menjawab acuh tidak acuh sambil kembali melihat laporan yang bertimbun di atas meja.

 

' Ugh. It's so hard to talk to you.'

 

' Still, that does not stop you from talking to me,' Sarah memandang wajah Laura di sebalik kaca mata. Laura memeluk diri sendiri sambil menjelir lidah pada Sarah.

 

' Nevermind that. Kau nak ikut tak?'

 

' What? Me?' Sarah tidak lagi memandang Laura. Fail bertanda 'Client Requirement' adalah jauh lebih penting.

 

' Well, yes. Aku suruh dia bawa kawan-kawan dia juga. Boleh tahan juga tau,' Laura menjemput diri sendiri duduk di depan Sarah.

 

' Suit yourself. Tapi kalau dia datang ramai-ramai, I'm out,' Sarah menolak cermin mata di hidung. ' I know you are rolling your eyes, honey.'

 

' Ok..fine,' jawab Laura dengan suara yang sengaja digaraukan. Sarah cuma tertawa.

 

Hujung minggu itu adalah kali pertama Sarah bertemu dengan Azlan. Ya, dia pernah lihat lelaki ini di gerai ikan bakar beberapa kali tetapi tidak pernah terlintas untuk berkenalan. Dengan rakan sepejabat sendiri pun Sarah jarang dapat peluang untuk bertegur sapa, inikan pula dengan orang luar.

 

Mudah untuk memahami mengapa Laura begitu gembira mahu kongsi cerita dengan Sarah tentang Azlan dan kawan-kawan. Hampir menjejak tiga puluh tahun, Azlan dan rakan-rakan bekerja dalam bidang minyak dan gas. Tidak perlu kelulusan tahap PhD pun Sarah tahu yang mereka ini berduit dan itulah yang menarik perhatian Laura.

 

Perempuan mana yang tidak?

 

Lalu, mereka habiskan masa hampir seharian menonton wayang dan selebihnya menemankan Laura membeli baju. Teman Azlan, Erik yang rajin melayan Laura mengambil satu demi satu baju daripada rak. Azlan dan Sarah cuma menunggu di tepi, cuba untuk tidak menunjukkan kebosanan.

 

' Tak mahu cari baju?' Azlan bersuara, memecah sunyi. Laura dan Erik nampak begitu mesra sekali tetapi tidak mereka berdua. Seorang ada dinding di antara mereka,

 

' Those dresses? Seriously?' tanya Sarah sambil menunjuk kepada deretan gaun pendek dengan belahan samada di dada atau di peha.

 

' Well, perempuan,' Azlan melurut rambut sambil tunduk malu.

 

' Nah, impractical,' ujar Sarah sambil memandang Laura yang kini sedang berdiri di depan kaunter pembayaran. Erik berdiri santai sambil memegang dompet. Laura kelihatan sedang senyum gembira.

 

' Now you sound like an engineer,' Azlan tergelak.

 

' I never said I wasn't.'

 

' I know you are not,' Azlan tersenyum, nakal.

 

' I see.' Jeda sesaat. ' Wait? What?'

 

Namun, soalan itu tidak berjawab bila Laura separuh berlari, separuh berjalan ke adah mereka sambil mengumumkan 'I'm starving!'

 

Dirasuah kopi oleh Laura, Sarah terlupa akan soakan yang masih tidak berjawab.

 

Seperti kebanyakan pekerja, kopi juga adalah dadah (yang halal) bagi Sarah. Petang itu, sengaja dia datang sendiri ke kedai kopi bukan francais untuk menghabiskan pembacaan. Duduk sendiri berteman kopi, seronok rasanya lihat para pekerja lalu-lalang.

 

Selepas membuat pesanan, Sarah ambil tempat di bahagian depan kedai. Sebuah buku berkulit tebal dikeluarkan dari beg. Waktu itu juga, satu susuk tubuh berlalu pantas di depan Sarah untuk ke kaunter. Dibiarkan sahaja pelanggan yang entah siapa dan diteruskan pembacaan yang tergendala sejak semalam.

 

Sarah hanya mengangkat muka waktu pelayan meletakkan minuman di depannya tanpa memperdulikan seseorang yang sedang bersandar di tepi cermin, dekat dengan mejanya. Kota ini terlalu ramai manusia pelik.

 

' Excuse me,' sapa satu suara. Sarah sudah menyumpah dalam hati. Kenapa mesti diganggu waktu dia bersama Perry Trachett?

 

' Ye?' Sarah pasang muka garang sambil memandang pintu. Azlan! 'Oh hi!'

 

' Hi, Sarah. Maaf ganggu. Itu buku Perry Tratchett ke?' mata Azlan masih tak lepas memandang buku di tangan Sarah.

 

' Ye. You read him?'

 

' Of course!'

 

Dan, di sinilah Sarah sekarang. Sudah masuk fasa berpacaran dengan Azlan. Hanya kerana sebuah buku.

 

' Sekejap lagi. Nak baca buku dulu.'

 

' You and books. Haha.'

 

' Eleh. Cakap orang.'

 

Sarah cuma tersenyum. Dan Laura di luar sana, masih berlari bebas mencari cinta, bermodalkan senyum dan ketawa manja.

Posted with Blogsy

Bising

Nina duduk membantu di tepi pintu. Mulutnya tak henti-henti mengiau, cuba menarik perhatian Dewi, tuannya yang sedang baring di atas sofa dengan muka penat.

' Meow! Meow!' Nina mengiau. Dewi buat muka selamba, jari tidak lekang daripada remote control. Sekejap saluran ini, kemudian ditukar pula. Dewi bosan sebenarnya, bukan Nina tidak faham. Cuma, entah mengapa malam ini Dewi tidak mahu melayan Nina.

Kepala Dewi ditelengkan ke kiri, memandang Nina di depan pintu dapur. ' Kan ada makanan kau kat dapur tu? Nak apa lagi Nina?' Dewi bertanya, malas.

' Meow..' Nina mengiau manja yang bermaksud 'dah-makan-tapi-nak-main-kejar-kejar-segulung-benang'.

Dewi terus mengadap televisyen sebelum mencapai telefon yang berbunyi. Serentak itu, Dewi memadamkan televisyen dan berjalan ke arah bilik tidur. Tuala yang tadinya membalut kepala Dewi cuma dibiarkan di atas bahu.

' Meow' mesti-Megat.

' Meow...' bergayut-sampai-pagi-butalah-jawabnya.

Nina berjalan melenggang-lenggok ke arah depan pintu bilik Dewi yang tertutup. Selalunya, mahu juga Dewi membawa Nina ke dalam bilik. Dapat juga Nina bermanja waktu Dewi sama-sama bermanja dengan Megat tetapi tidak hari ini.

Sesampainya di depan pintu bilik Dewi, Nina mengiau tidak berhenti di depan pintu. Ia berharap benar Dewi membuka pintu bilik. Sejak akhir-akhir ini, Dewi semakin culas bermanja dengan Nina. Cemburu Nina jadinya.

Puas Nina mengiau, tiada tindak balas sehingga ia akhirnya berlingkar di depan pintu. Sedar-sedar sahaja sudah pagi.

' Mari, Nina,' Dewi mengangkat Nina dari dalam bakul. ' Kita jalan-jalan.'

Nina menjilat-jilat tubuhnya, cuba untuk berlagak tidak peduli.

Betapa menyesalnya Nina berbuat demikian kerana itu adalah kali terakhir ia berjumpa dengan Nina. Rupanya, tuannya itu telah menghantar ia ke tempat yang jauh.

' Saya...Kamal...Dhaka.'

' Ini...Ho Chi Minh.'

Kalaulah Nina tahu yang Dewi membuangnya berdekatan dengan tempat tinggal pekerja dari Vietnam. Kalau.

Memory: 26

As hard as it may seen, Tasnim was left to swallow all of the things she once said to her friends. About finding her own happiness, loving yourself first and all that psychobabble. It was time again to be happy. For over a year, she let her happiness to depend on someone, it was finally time to let go.

It was becoming worse with Adam. Tasnim tried to back off a little, to see if Adam is still interested in her. Instead of trying to make connection, Adam did not seem to do anything about the fact that Tasnim was no longer making any effort to talk to him.

Even worse, Adam avoided her when she tried to pull back.

It hurt, she was not going to lie.

‘ Now I know where I stand,’ was all that she could tell Hanna.

‘ He is volatile, it’s not worth it. And you can hardly change a habit of a lifetime.’

Strangely enough, there was no tears this time. 

Memory: 25

Days turned into month and from almost daily messages, Tasnim went down to a message every two weeks. Even then, there were hardly any replies.

It was at that point that Tasnim became pissed.

‘ Hey, this is a nice surprise!’ Johari took the chocolate cake from Tasnim’s hand with a huge grin.

‘ Wait until you taste it,’ Khalid chipped in.

Tasnim just laughed.

‘ Ready made mix?’ Johari asked while opening the transparent container.

‘ Eh, hello!’ Tasnim said while trying to give Johari The Look.

‘ I can assure you she made everything from scratch,’ this time Hanna joined in.

At that, Johari looked at Tasnim’s face, a tad too long perhaps. Tasnim, on the other hand, refused to find the answer to what that look meant or even care.

‘ Coffee anyone? Name your poison, ’ Khalid saved the moment that was starting to become awkward.

From just talking about a mutual friend, Johari has turned into some kind of a good friend to Tasnim. It has been quite sometime since they met so, it was just proper that Tasnim asked Johari out for a drink. She made Khalid and Hanna tag along, for the fear that she would again try to ask about Adam.

It was fun catching up to Johari and he got unsurprisingly well with Khalid. There were some hesitation on Hanna’s part but at the mention of travelling, the cold surface of her started to melt.

Nobody realised it was very well into the afternoon. As all of them would be working tomorrow, they decided to call it for now.

‘ See you again, bro,’ Khalid clapped Johari’s back.

‘ Sure. Maybe futsal, one of these days?’ Johari returned a genuine smile. Before Tasnim could move towards the counter, Johari almost ran into a table to walk with her. Hanna and Khalid pretended nothing happened and continued to pretend they needed to find their things on the sofa.

‘ Tasnim!’ Johari tried to call out while not trying to shout either. She turned around in surprise.

‘ Yes?’

But Johari didn’t say anything.

‘ Speak up, Johari,’ Tasnim tried not to laugh while handing out red notes to the cashier. Her treat.

‘ Adam..’ Johari let his voice trail off.

Tasnim just smiled while shaking her head.

‘ I’m sorry,’ there was sadness in his eyes, as cliché as it may sound.

‘ It was hardly your fault.’ 

Dia: Di Tepi Lif (2)

Seperti hari-hari biasa, dia bersandar gaya santai di tepi lif. Dengan buku di tangan, dia tenggelam dalam pembacaan sendiri; bukan seperti perempuan lain. Sebelah kaki disilangkan, bahu kanan menghimpit dinding lif. Senyuman yang sentiasa bersedia untuk muncul sentiasa bergayut dengan hati-hati di pinggir bibir.

Pali betulkan beg di bahu kanan yang menyorok. Si dia di depan mata yang masih belum tahu namanya nampak lain hari ini. Selalunya, tiada kaca mata di hidung si genit itu tetapi tidak hari ini. Sepanjang Pali memerhatikan dia, ini kali pertama dilihat perempuan ini berkaca mata.

Sejenak, si dia yang tidak bernama mengangkat muka, seolah mencari sesuatu. Maka, terlihatlah mata si gadis yang tidak bernama nampak sedikit sembab. Lingkaran hitam di bawah matanya pun nampak lebih jelas daripada biasa.

Akal Pali ingin angkat kaki, berdiri di sebelah si dia bertudung merah gelap dan bertanya tetapi hati Pali dihimpit rasa ragu.

' Bagaimana kalau dia rasa aku menakutkan dan terus elakkan diri daripada aku?' Pali bertanya sendiri sambil mata tidak lepas memandang si dia.

TING! ' Excuse me!' dan seseorang menolak Pali, menyebabkan dia tertinggal di belakang. Si dia sudah lama melangkah jauh ke dalam lif. Pali cuma mampu memandang.

Memory: 24

‘ Aneem, it’s like a broken china,’ Hanna said, without so much as hiding the tiredness in her voice.

Tasnim bit her lower lip while walking beside her good friend, trying hard not to cry.

‘ What do you do with a broken china?’ Hanna asked while holding up a lettuce in her hand.

No answer from Tasnim because both of them already knew the answer.

‘ You know what, you might lose something that has been staring in the face for so long if you keep doing this. Do you really want to do this to yourself?’

Instead of looking at a tomato, Hanna stared at Tasnim’s face.

‘ If it hurt you this much, why not walk away? Why not do it while you still have love for yourself?’

It took all of Tasnim's dignity not to bawl out in the middle of hypermarket. 

Dia: Di Tepi Lif

Seperti hari-hari biasa, dia bersandar gaya santai di tepi lif. Dengan buku di tangan, dia tenggelam dalam pembacaan sendiri; bukan seperti perempuan lain. Sebelah kaki disilangkan, bahu kanan menghimpit dinding lif. Senyuman yang sentiasa bersedia untuk muncul sentiasa bergayut dengan hati-hati di pinggir bibir.

Memerhatikan dia boleh bikin leka. Lupa seketika sakit hati dan kaki menunggu lif yang lama. Selesa benar dia dalam dunia sendiri hingga tidak pernah terfikir dia yang tidak pernah melakukan apa-apa, sebenarnya turut mengusik dunia orang lain.

Liana berpaling melihat Pali yang berdiri di sebelah kanan, mata masih tidak lepas memandang perempuan berselendang panjang yang sedang berdiri di depan mereka. Kawan sepejabat Liana sendiri sedang tersengih sambil mata tidak berkelip.

Rusuk kiri Pali ditolak perlahan oleh Liana dengan siku. Sedikit pun Pali tidak berkalih pandang. Cuma 'Ish!' yang terbit dari bibirnya.

' Lama sangat kau tengok anak orang tu,' Liana berbisik perlahan. Pali masih meneruskan aktiviti yang sama.

' Tegurlah,' Liana menggiat lagi.

' Seganlah,' kali ini Pali berpusing mengadap Liana sambil tangan kanan melurut rambut. Jarang sekali terlihat senyuman malu-malu Pali, tidak pernah sebenarnya.

Liana cuma mampu ketawa. Di telinganya seolah terdengar hati sendiri tercarik luka.

Kalau sahaja senyum itu kerana dia...

Memory: 23

Glances became awkward glances. Supposedly smooth conversations became almost an act. There were no longer grace in their conversation. Everytime Adam glanced Tasnim’s way with the almost schoolboy shyness he had, Tasnim had to hide a smile. At night, that smile turned into millions of questions. And it rarely varied from one night to another.

Would they return to the way it was before? Would the memory piece back and they will be able to continue as it is?

Tasnim tried to text Adam but answers were sporadic in nature. At times, it felt like he wanted to say something but decided that a full-stop was sufficient. At other times, there were just a single word as an answer. Sadly, there were times when they were no answer at all.

People have said she was stubborn. Others say she was a fighter but this was a fight that she had to do alone. It was not that she really needed someone else’s approval (she needed that too) but the worst part was it was as if the other party were not willing to take part in the part.

She almost always forgot to remember that Adam no longer called her; something that he always did before the fateful day. 

Getaway: Koh Lipe

First and foremost, I would like to thank a good friend for inviting me to this Koh Lipe trip; a place that I doubt I will discover if it has not been for her. So, thank you a lot for this.

It was paradise, it was beautiful. To top it off, we went during New Year. It's nice to be able to see how the celebration was like in Koh Lipe.

Lot's and lot's of fireworks. And lots and lots of foreigners. It's like we were not even in Asia although the stamp said 'Satun, Thailand'.

The journey started in Langkawi where we stayed for a night. We took a fast boat from Langkawi to Koh Lipe for RM 128 per way and spent an hour being lost in the international waters (while being burnt in the process). There is a boat that departs from Langkawi around 10.30 am (actually longer than that. The processing of the passports took some time). English will not survive you much from this point onward because tourists mostly come from non-English speaking countries.

And that reminds me I have to start learning French again butttt..... yes we know what happens after that line.

The time difference between Koh Lipe and Langkawi is one hour so we almost never lose that hour. Or we lost double when we returned to Malaysia haha. Anyways, Koh Lipe is a small island where you can see a lot of people just walking here and there. But we were petrified at the sight of dogs (most fear gone after one day because the dogs don't care about us actually. Sad) so we mostly go on the motor taxi.

Koh Lipe is mostly popular for diving and there are a lot of diving schools there. The fee is actually quite oke compared to what we might find around here (haha habislah aku kalau divers baca ni mmg kene pukul). And snorkelling too. RM 50-60 for nearly seven hours journey around a few places, including lunch. And you get on the boat like the one on the picture that usually accommodate about seven to eight people. An extremely good news compared to having to go on a boat somewhere here. And bloody cheap too!

Of course, I should have mentioned food first before anything else.

There are a few shops that offer halal food and they do speak Malay. One clearly speak in loghat utagha while the others in loghat Kelantan. Of course, there are the Thai food, seafood and Indian food. As what happens on other islands, expect the food prices to be a bit steep. But it's a holiday who caressssss (actually changing money on the island is better. Should have done that earlier).

The price can be quite ridiculous for food like THB 100 for most of the dishes (valid as of January 2014) but the coffees are quite affordable. Walk around the island to find places that offer good coffee at good prices, you can find plenty!

We stayed in Sunrise Beach at one of the resorts. High price because of New Year celebration but we get to experience bamboo hut without hot water! It's like balik kampung except that other families are mat salehs. It was very near to the sea and I particularly loved it because of the wind. We went to Sunrise Beach one day, not so much fun because it was not that windy as much as I want it to be.

The place was very lively, I have to say. We stayed quite far from the center of activities (about five minutes walk. Bring along a torchlight, just in case) so we get to meet the locals and those who stay there for vacation.

We woke up early in the morning, not missing the sound of waves (oke now my heart is aching) and had breakfast in front of our door. The mat salehs already took a dip in the sea while we will just be sitting outside the room, eating. Good days. Then, we went walking or snorkelling before heading to open air cinema. It was actually a bar and to watch the movie, purchase popcorn and soft drink for THB 90 (valid as of January 2014) for movie of the day. The screening started at 6pm until 9pm. We watched Percy Jackson and Django, skipped Pacific Rim and missed Lone Ranger.

The center of activities should be Pattaya Beach where we disembarked. There were a lot of bars with live music on. Prices don't differ much.

And yes, the one that caught my attention; MASSAGES. THB 300 for back, neck and shoulder massages, even Thai massages. Just imagine that. You can see them almost anywhere. It depends on you if you want to have one at their specific outlet or beside the sea. Ouh man I really recommend having one while listening to the waves. My one hour well spent.

I realised that there weren't many pictures here but I am already very hungry. We stayed there for five nights, if you are curious. Would definitely go again one day because someone is begging me for a diving trip.

Ouh bring your diving license, not driving license. Refresher course in Koh Lipe is much cheaper compared to the one here (again, akan kene baling botol dgn divers).

So, enjoy the pictures that I put up. Just four I know but look at the water.

Memory: 22

In the dark room, Tasnim threw herself onto the floor before crouching into a ball.

What went wrong? What was wrong with her? Why did she had to keep seeing other people meeting their significant other but not her? No, she didn’t think it was unfair but it has been so long. And when she was about to grasp it, it was gone. She got tested and the person who returned was no longer the person that she once knew.

Was there something totally unloveable about her? Was there something that made her fit only for unloading problems? Or was it something she ate that caused her to attract just people with too many baggages in the past?

‘ What is it? What is wrong with me?’ Tasnim sent a text to Hanna. She was not sure about the time difference anymore. It was the realisation that it has been nearly two months but Adam did not make any effort anymore. And with that, the tears came down streaming like Niagara.

Her phone beeped. Tasnim must have fallen asleep because it was dark and raining outside. God knows how long she had slept.

Khalid’s message. And about three missed calls.

‘ I’m sorry I asked that question.’

‘ Tasnim, are you ok?’

Tasnim tried to sit and while doing so, she saw her reflection on the mirror. She must have fallen asleep while crying because her makeup has already smudged her face.

‘ Good night.’

For once, Tasnim felt totally drained. She didn’t even have the energy to lie. 

Memory: 21

‘ You want to tell me something?’ Khalid sat while staring at Tasnim, finally opening his mouth after a two-minute silence.

Tasnim hesitated. This was Khalid, not Hanna. At least, Hanna will be able to listen to her. They gossipped a lot, furthermore they were girls. But she can…

‘ It’s Adam?’ Khalid guessed while taking the glass of coffee off the table.

Still, that question did not help. Instead, it got Tasnim more confused because she was very close to spilling everything but she was actually afraid of the answer. She was scared that she could not do what she had to do.

‘ Tasnim?’ Khalid called her name again. And Tasnim nodded her head.

Khalid looked at Tasnim, hard.

‘ Aneem, this is not hard. Contrary to popular belief, men are not complex.’

There was something welling up in Tasnim. At least with Hanna, she wouldn’t be too blunt.

‘ If we like you, we will show some effort,’ Khalid said matter-of-factly. ‘ How long has it been?’

The question. THE QUESTION that Tasnim actually did not want to answer as she will be forced to calculate how long she had been throwing herself at Adam. 

Memory: 20

                      

‘ You can trust someone you love but you definitely love someone you trust.’

This particular quote got Tasnim going every single time she had doubt about Adam. Over and over again, she repeated the same quote to herself as if it was the most important mantra in the world.

It was early Monday morning, the beginning of the month. There was hardly anything that was too important but Tasnim got to an early start. As a trainer at an outsourcing centre, it may not be as hectic as other people on the sales floor. There were mostly paperwork to be tackled when there was no newcomers to train.

While flipping through the pages, Tasnim couldn’t help but think about Adam. It was as if once the switch was ignited, there was no chance of shutting it down. The switch called ‘Adam’ especially.

It was maddening, really. It was as if getting to know a total stranger. Adam that was cheeky was gone. He constantly blushed and looked as his shoes, like he really do not feel comfortable talking to Tasnim anymore. It was maddening, really. All the coffee talks that they used to have clearly did not mean anything to him…as if none of them ever happened.

‘ It was like…’

‘ Talking to an empty vessel?’ Hanna helped, through Skype.

‘ Yes!’ and then Hanna seemed to be looking at Tasnim with sympathy.

‘ I love you, Aneem. And anyone who really gets you, will definitely love you with all his hear.’

Of course, Tasnim was not dim. She knew that Hanna did not mention Adam.

Bukan Payung Hari Ini

Rasanya, sudah lama betul Aya memiliki payung ini. Payung hitam dihiasi bunga-bunga kecil yang kelihatan seperti bunga melur.

Dia masih ingat lagi waktu dia membuat pilihan untuk membeli payung tersebut. Waktu itu di dalam dompet hanya ada dua puluh ringgit. Gaji masih lambat lagi. Sayu betul rasa hati, bagaikan terlihat rama-rama berpusu-pusu berterbangan keluar dari dompet.

Banyak lagi payung yang cantik-cantik tetapi Aya sudah mula berasa bosan dengan keceriaan yang pura-pura. Apa salahnya dengan hitam yang jujur tidak mahu dibayangi warna lain hingga menyerap warna lain sepenuhnya?

Lalu, payung yang terletak di rak paling bawah dicapai lalu dibayar. Sejak hari itu, payung itu sentiasa menjadi teman di dalam beg, kalau-kalau hujan waktu pulang dari kerja. Ataupun terik matahari terlalu menggila hilang boleh terasa lemak di bawah lapisan dermis menjadi cair.

Seperti juga dengan apa sahaja bahan material yang ada, pastinya ia akan ditelan masa. Samalah halnya dengan payung hitam kesayangan Aya. Mula-mula, hanya satu sahaja besi yang patah. Aya cuma membiarkan, asalkan tiada besi yang tercabut hingga boleh mencederakan diri sendiri.

Alangkah seronok kalau boleh bertukar payung setiap hari. Tiada sebab kukuh, cuma mahu padankan emosi dengan payung. Seperti Payung Hari Ini. Namun, Aya gigih sedapkan hati sendiri.

‘ Warna hitam serap semua warna. Jadi, dalam erti kata lain, payung aku sebenarnya warna-warni. Cuma tak nampak dek mata kasar.’

Bijak betul Aya.

Petang ini, hujan lagi. Tidak lebat tetapi Aya tidak suka menaiki keretapi dalam keadaan basah. Terasa sungguh tidak selesa dengan keadaan itu. Lalu, Aya berhenti seketika di depan pintu kaca bangunan sebelum mengeluarkan payung di dalam beg. Ada juga terselit rasa malu bawa payung lusuh dan sudah rosak sebegitu tetapi sekarang sudah jam enam setengah petang. Lagi lama dia bermonolog sendiri, lagi lambat dia akan sampai ke rumah.

Payung hitam yang sudah hampir rosak (tiga batang besi sudah patah) dibuka perlahan-lahan. Besi tiga batang dibetulkan untuk membolehkan payung terbentuk elok. Mata Aya meliar memerhatikan keadaan sekeliling.

‘ Kakak, nak tumpang payung?’ seorang wanita berkaca mata disapa perlahan oleh Aya.

‘ Ha boleh juga. Terima kasih, ya. Terima kasih.’

Aya tersenyum puas. ‘ Berjasa lagi kau rupanya.’ 

Memory: 19

' What have I gotten myself into?' Tasnim asked while sitting back, slumping into the sofa. Khalid leaned in, looking at Tasnim through the mist of coffee steam.

' It's not your problem to start with. Why make it one?'

' I know but don't you think he needed someone?'

' For what?' Khalid looked at Tasnim, as if in wonder.

' Unload his feelings, tell him his problems and such?'

' He has othere friends, surely. Like you. You have Hanna and I.'

Tasnim went silent.

' His friend...what was the name again?'

' Johari.'

' Yes, Johari. They seemed quite close. And by the sound of it, he has othere buddies to, I presume.'

What Khalid said make sense.

' So, why did he had to tell me that?'

' You mean about the problems?'

Tasnim can only nod.

Khalid stared at Tasnim for a second before returning to his coffee. ' Someone with a big heart like you...he's stupid to let that go.'

' Khalid!' Tasnim laughed. ' You are not even trying to answer my question!'

' I would have unload all my problems unto you if I were him. No question,' Kalid continued to sip his coffee while avoiding to look at Tasnim.

' Why?'

' Because I trust you.'

Trust. That was a start.

Lepas

 Ayu menutup kedua-dua belah mata dengan kejap sambil berpaut kuat pada lengan kerusi. Dapat dirasakan degupan jantung sangat kuat sekali.

Imbas semula:

‘ Aku paling suka waktu kapal terbang mahu naik,” cerita Ayu pada Sani pada suatu hari. Perlu ditekankan bahawa ini berlaku ketika mereka sedang duduk di atas rumput pada jam lima petang pada hari Khamis untuk menambahkan kesan romantik.

‘ Kenapa?’

‘ Sebab aku tahu ia akan bawa aku ke satu destinasi mengikut perancangan aku. Sangat mengujakan. Maksud aku, sepanjang perjalanan itu. Manalah tahu kalau-kalau aku boleh jadi kawan pada orang yang sama-sama ada di dalam perjalanan,’ sambung Ayu sambil tangan cekap mencabut rumput di bawah lutut.

Ouh ya, lupa pula ingin diberitahu bahawa mereka ke taman ini selepas kuliah.

Sani cuma diam sambil tersenyum memandang awan.

‘ Aku paling takut waktu kapal terbang mahu mendarat.’

Kali ini, Sani memalingkan wajah untuk menatap Ayu. ‘ Kenapa? Bukankah sepatutnya teruja sebab sudah sampai ke destinasi?’

‘ Sebab aku takut. Selalunya, pendaratan jarang yang lancar. Pasti ada hentakan walaupun sedikit. Aku jadi cuak,’ tambah Ayu sambil memandang wajah Sani yang sudah dikenali sejak masih berhingus.

Sani hanya diam, membiarkan kesunyian jadi teman bicara mereka berdua.

‘ Ayu, bahu kau kecil.’

Ayu mengerutkan dahi.

‘ Maksud aku; kenapa risau tentang sesuatu yang kau tak boleh kawal? Lagipun, itukan kerja juruterbang. Kerja kau hanya bertenang dan ingat prosedur kecemasan kalau ada apa-apa yang berlaku.’

‘ Hey!’ tangan Ayu cuba singgah di bahu Sani.

‘ Dah kenapa pula? Betulkan apa yang aku cakap?’ Sani bingkas untuk sama-sama duduk.

‘ Kita ini bukan Tuhan. Bukan boleh atur semua.’

Rumput di tangan Ayu yang tinggal sebatang, diperhatikan. Kata-kata Sani itu tentu berkaitan dengan Johan. Johan yang menjanjikan bulan bintang kemudian hilang, lenyap bagai ditelan ruang vakum. Senyap tidak berbunyi.

‘ Macam kita,’ Sani terus memandang ke depan mereka, seolah terlupa di mana dia berada.

‘ Maksud kau?’

‘ Aku cinta kau, Ayu.’

Dan pandangan mata Sani seolah menusuk.

Serentak itu, Ayu kembali ke dalam kapal terbang. Pendaratan tidak terasa kali ini. Dia menghela nafas lega.

‘ Mama, buka mata,’ tangan halus menepuk-nepuk lengan Ayu. Sebelum Ayu buka mata, dia tersenyum dahulu. Dia tahu, bila sahaja dia buka mata, akan ada seorang anak kecil yang seiras wajah Sani akan memandangnya dengan mata bulat, dahi berkerut.

‘ Ya, sayang,’ tangan kecil itu digenggam.

‘ Babah suruh Thaqif jaga mama,’ anak kecil itu memegang tangan Ayu lalu ditekupkan ke pipi.

Takdir. Takdir yang diterima itulah yang membawa mereka ke sini.

Dan syukur, dengan izin Tuhan, sebentar lagi Ayu akan bertemu pelengkap hidupnya yang lagi satu. Sani. 

Memory: 18

Since Adam's reappearance, Tasnim made an extra effort on her looks. She started applying eyeshadow, something that she had long ditch. She made it a point to bemore feminine like wearing shawls and bangles. She knew what she was doing.

The idea seemed to work as Adam now locked eyes with her every time they bump into each other. He looked genuinely happy and at other times, he couldn't take his eyes off her. Tasnim was happy, seeing the development.

One day, they crossed path while heading back home. At first, Tasnim did not know what to say. She was speechless; being able to be this close with Adam. And then, Adam launched into his story.

Memory: 17

What hurt Tasnim the most was the fact that Adam acted as if he never asked about Sara. He  had not texted her since the day he popped the question about the Sara, about three days ago. It didn't sound too long for other but Tasnim waited three months. Tasnim can almost feel the muscles on her face hurt everytime she smiled when they bumped into each other.

' Three times and he has yet to text you back?' that was Hanna's question. When
Tasnim wrote about the whole thing to her. That one hurt too.

It was as if Adam couldn't remember her.

Something that Johari once said made her even sadder.

' He couldn't recognise me sometimes. When he was sick.'

' Really? Can I really do this?'

Kebahagiaan

 Bayang yang menimpa kaki gerai menraik perhatian Fatin. Tangan yang sedang rancak mengemas perkakas gerai hilang tempo lalu bola mata beralih meneliti bayang; tertanya-tanya siapakah empunya diri. 

Rupanya, bayang yang menyebabkan gerhana di gerai Fatin dimiliki seorang lelaki muda. Segak orangnya dengan seluar biru gelap serta kasut yang masih berkilat. Sebuah bag disandang di bahu kiri. Satu butang baju terbuka; kalau mengikut telahan Fatin, akibat bahang petang Rabu ini. Wajah lelaki muda itu bersih tanpa cela, menyebabkan Fatin tiba-tiba terasa sangat comot. Seolah-olah selapis tebal minyak menyelubungi wajah Fatin saat itu juga.

Fatin lebih daripada arif bahawa merenung seseorang adalah perbuatan biadap namun curiga yang merasuk jiwa membuatkan dia gagal mengalihkan pandangan daripada merenung lelaki yang masih tidak bernama. Ini bukan kunjungan yang sering diterima pada hari jualan seperti ini. Selalunya, yang datang berbondong-bondong adalah gadis-gadis yang masih terlalu muda (pada pendapat Fatin, mungkin tidak pernah dengar jenama Sanita). Semuanya mencari jalan untuk menarik perhatian pemuda-pemuda yang baru mengenal dunia (malah anatomi perempuan). Selalunya, mereka ini cuba melakukan transaksi yang sebetulnya tidak padan dengan apa yang Fatin sediakan di gerainya.

Mudah, sekali pandang pun Fatin sudah tahu kalau pembeli mampu atau tidak membayar harga barang jualannya. Jam serupa papan elektronik akan terpapar di atas kepala para pembeli; satu keistimewaan yang dimiliki oleh semua peniaga di sini. Itulah kelebihan mereka yang menjual barang yang cuma dapat dirasa, bukan disentuh.

Yang selalunya mampu adalah wanita dan lelaki yang berwajah lesu dengan mata yang semakin hilang sinar, dilengkapi dengan bahu yang sedikit bongkok. Namun, lelaki ini..

Dia bukan terlalu muda. Masih tegap namun riak wajahnya seakan penat, tak ubah seperti bekas orang gila kerja yang mula tersedar bahawa dunia ini lebih daripada kehidupan di pejabat semata.

Ada resah di dalam anak mata lelaki tidak bernama; resah yang selalunya dimiliki anak remaja yang kembali ke rumah disambut pembantu rumah, bukan darah daging sendiri. Bila Fatin jeling atas ke atas kepala lelaki ini, nilainya cukup besar. Sayangnya…

‘ Ya, encik?’ Fatin bersuara setelah sekian lama meneliti setiap inci tetamu yang sedang berdiri dengan dahi berkerut. Soalan Fatin dijawab dengan senyuman plastik namun usaha itu harus dihadiahkan tiga bintang. Masih ada nilai kemanusiaan walau jelas dia kecewa melihatkan gerai yang hanya tinggal sebuah kerusi plastik.

‘ Sudah tutup?’ jawapan yang tidak perlu dijawab sebenarnya. Namun, Fatin jadi jatuh kasihan. Harapan di dalam suara lelaki tidak bernama sarat benar.

‘ Maaf. Semua sudah habis,’ Fatin cuba tersenyum. Air liur yang ditelan sama terasa kasar seperti bercampur abuk kayu.

‘ Ah!’ lelaki tidak bernama mengangguk sambil tunduk dan tersenyum. Kali ini, seperti susah sungguh mahu tersenyum.

‘ Tak mengapalah. Saya ke gerai hadapan,’ lelaki tidak bernama menundukkan sedikit badan seperti mohon maaf pada Fatin. Sedangkan, Fatin yang jadi serba-salah kerana jika lelaki tidak bernama melalukan transaksi di kedai hadapan, banyak benar nilai maruah yang akan hilang. Gerai yang menawarkan ‘Perhatian’ sebagai bahan jualan.

Tanda ‘Kebahagiaan’ di tangan Fatin dipandang sayu oleh lelaki tidak bernama sebelum dia berlalu pergi. Jualan di kedai Fatin sememangnya tidak banyak dan hanya untuk yang benar-benar layak. Ramai peminta, tidak ramai yang berhak menerima.

Mata Fatin masih lagi tidak lepas memandang lelaki tidak bernama. Yang diperlukan sebenarnya adalah rasa disayangi dan menyayangi. Malangnya, hari ini, apa yang dia akan peroleh adalah perhatian. 

inspired by yum's question: kak, ada kasih sayang tak?

Memory: 16

Like magic, Adam watzled again into Tasnim's life. Unlike previously, Adam seemed to be hiding in his own shell. It didn't feel right for Tasnim to further intrude Johari's life to ask about Adam. All of us had our fair share of problems and we just had to continue on with our lives.

Like Hanna. She was now in New Zealand, either picking kiwi fruits or swimming in the beach behind her lodging. It was her dream to go on that six months working visa thing in the country.

' Six months will just fly without us realising it,' Hanna said to a teary-eyes Tasnim who really couldn't say a thing.

' Hey! I'll be fine. We would write long emails,' Hanna tried to calm Tasnim down.

' I'll take care of her,' Khalid quipped behind them, as if not wanting to be left out. Like a boyfriend reassuring the mother that he will be there for her daughter.

And Khalid kept to his words. Morning messages will always be there to greet Tasnim. At first, it made her wonder what was wrong with Khalid and later, she succumbed to it. It was nice to have someone greeting your day to be great.

But her heart was the biggest culprit. It would have been easier to just move on with life; with here friends by her side but no, that would not happen. Adam was always on her mind, despite the question she asked her about Sara.

' Forget him,' Khalid told her numerous times. Khalid made it sound so easy.

Ukur

Sara picit kepala yang dirasakan berdenyut. Soalan yang ditinggalkan menyebabkan dia jadi keliru dan bingung.

Sukar sungguh bila Hafiz bertanyakan soalan yang satu itu. Daripada seorang yang petah berkata-kata, Sara jadi seolah bisu.

Sara mengeluh sambil jari mencapai laju barang basah di dalam peti sejuk. Selalunya, bila berdepan masalah, memasak adalah jalan terbaik untuk mengurangkan galau di dalam hati. Sering juga kawan-kawan mengusik, susah menjadi rakan Sara. Bila sahaja Sara berasa risau, ada sahaja yang ingin dimasak.

' Jadi kawan awak memang tak dapatlah nak kurus, Sara,' kata Diana antara mengeluh dan rasa terharu. Mengeluh kerana terpaksa mengorbankan niat untuk mengawal makan (satu genggam karbohidrat sahaja sehari untuk Diana) dan dalam masa yang sama bersyukur kerana kepada Tuhan kerana Sara adalah seorang tukang masak yang hebat.

Kali ini, karipap. Lama benar Sara tidak membuat karipap. Lupa sebentar akan permasalahan yang singgah di fikiran bila kentang dipotong dadu sebelum dicampurkan dengan cebisan daging. Sekalipun rasa penat sedikit menguli doh, tetap rasa berbaloi. Sambil ditekan-tekan tepung di atas papan, terasa seolah masalah sendiri ditekan sama hingga jadi kepingan kecil.

Sesudah memasukkan beberapa biji karipap ke dalam ketuhar, Sara membersihkan perkakas yang digunakan.

' Kalau air, meter padu,' kata Sara sambil mengalirkan air melalui sudu.

' Kalau tepung...mungkin gram,' gumam Sara lagi sambil membasuh bekas yang masih berbaki tepung.

' Apa agaknya?' Sara terus membasuh perkakas di dalam sinki, otaknya tak berhenti berfikir.

Malangnya, sehingga habis membasuh pun Sara tidak mampu menjawab satu soalan yang ditanya oleh Hafiz.


' Banyak mana awak sayang saya?'

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