Alter ego speaks

When the Internet goes off..when the Internet goes off

..Ucu goes crazy (this is Ash, not Ucu). I swear pimples took over her face in less than five minutes. Its like there wa a pimple party on her face or something. I saw one shaped like a carousel on her face. Yeah I know, I am looking for trouble but I just can't help it. Ucu was being pretty acidic the whole of last week. Going home late (as if its new) and going home with a pulsating vein at the side of her head that looks as if its going to explode any second.

That woman, is a serious case of Internet addict.

Her waists increased by a few inches because she can't get on the Internet the whole week. She just keep popping food into her mouth as if its some kind of pop corn, except they are more fattening. And then I can imagine her grumbling of not finding her size. I mean, who the hell wears a size 12/ 14?

Where was I? Ouh yeah. She actually woke up in the morning listening some loud, noisy and crazy kind of song. Apart from her disastrous wardrobe, she has terrible taste for songs too. I mean, Frank Sinatra? Is she like 95 or something? Euw. And she was like really grumpy, huffing and puffing whenever she was not munching. Remember chipmunk? When they have nuts in their cheeks and non-stop munching? That was Ucu last week. All because the Internet was down. She just can't get over it. She carried this slogan 'All food are comfort food' and just give me that Linda Blair look when I said there's more to life and suggested something about cruising the malls. Ouch.

And cracked jokes like 'I feel like throwing my shoes at the ISP' and went off laughing like a hyena with her side kick. OK, its funny but the way they laughed at is was equivalent to an internationally known joke that I do not know off. What's up with the joke anyways? I'm sure its not important or I might have saw it on TV. When I asked her, she said something like 'Having your blonde moment eh?' What is wrong with her? I am blonde so every single moment is a blonde moment. What was she trying to imply?

She even got up as early as 4am to check email on her phone. No wonder she was forever sleepy in the morning. Like, she can actually wake up just to wait for the page to load and stuff. When I asked, she said it was something about Kapasitor being featured for Youth 09. What is this Kapasitor really? That thing really got hold on her. It's like, she can't get away from it. Come on, who waits an email for some event. I'd rather wait for an email from the hot looking guy next door. Not that Ucu realizes however. She's like totally oblivious to that kind of stuff and walks on such a straight line that she doesn't care what happens around her. Not like she need to. I'd bury myself if I have her fashion sense, her song taste and her movie list. Don't get me started on hobbies. She's a bookworm, actually love board games and loves to sleep. I can agree on the latter but definitely not the other two.

And she forces me and reminds me of the Youth 09 almost daily. It's like nearly two weeks away but she just can't get over it saying that it's a way to network and stuff. Miss, I network with those hot looking 30-ish guys with think wallets. I think youths are fun but I'm not into those Foosball, Basketball Challenge, Caged futsal and stuff. Thanks but no thanks. I exercise when I shop only. Maybe if I have the time, I will check it out here.

Ouh I can sense her coming. Better log off the system before she breathes fire. Ciao~

Hi, this is Ash speaking. No, I don't know why I logged onto ucu's id. Seriously, that woman put something on her computer that the first thing I saw when I opened her IE, is this page, kapasitor.net. What do you guys have here? I see like tons of letters. Have I landed on the Planet of Geeks?

OK, never mind that. You see, I have a terrible problem. I was just going to get ucu but she's nowhere to be seen. Must be cracking some intelligent jokes with V. I don't understand what she means by 'Corporate violence' when her colleague was hacking at another male colleague. Like corporate violence? And when I asked her, she stared at me like I'm such a bimbo and said 'How can you be so blonde and survived all this?'. I just don't get her. I'm just blonde and there's no 'so blonde'. That crazy lady.

Where was I? Oh yeah, money issues.

God, I don't know who I should ask favor from. I'm in desperate need for money. Ucu is wearing her horrible shirts again. That woman needs help. And I saw Padini having sales for the whole week and everytime I pulled her to the shop, she just glared and walk ahead. I mean, does she even revamp her wardrobe? She doesn't even wear decent T-shirts. All those plain T-shirts, so boring, dull and so her. Why waste all the sparkle and glamour when we can have it all? Come on, you've got it, you flaunt it.

Dear me, I'm such a chatterbox. I'm just trying to raise money here. I need to get at least the polo shirts that they are selling. Ucu has to get at least two of it. No, maybe just one and I will have three. But point being is, I need her to wear something that is not so T-shirt bundle. She embarasses me. Like hello, I have to refrain from walking 2km away from her. And she complains that she is still single. With her fashion sense, of course she'll be single.

Oh my God, where is this woman? I need her purse. Must be eating lunch. I told her repeatedly that she has to don her love handles, she looks like a walrus walking on her toes already. An almond during lunch is enough and she has to puke all night long.

Back to the subject, I need like a few bucks from you guys, RM2 the most. Have mercy on her, she needs help. Polo shirts for a start will do. Just take this as a charity, Malaysians are kind.

RM2 will do, from each of you guys. Have mercy on her. Maybe you can get her one. She's wearing size 14. can you imagine? 14? And she claims that she wants to wear something that is comfy. She's just fat but she won't admit it. And I wear size 3.

RM2 please. But more will be welcomed.

I recently found out that a friend reads this piece of worthless crap to know what is going on with me. because we happen to have the worst timing when it comes to receiving updates so blog is just another way of communicating.

I still cannot warm up to the idea that I'm the administrator of Kapasitor.net. Everytime I want to ask favor from people, I will hesitate. Takot ok.

Hum, another weird comment on one of my posts. Weirdness rules I think

I received the answer and I was not accepted. well, well, I gave it a first shot and it seems that they are really pretty strict in it. At first, I thought I don't care when then realization hit me and I realized that I actually care. Weird huh?

Somehow I feel shattered inside and I feel pressured to continue it as soon as possible. I don't know why, I just feel that I need to.

Yesterday didn't start quite good. Kene kacau dengan rempit, spoilt my mood. Then, caught totally unprepared, I had to get on the new system6. And I accidentally pressed Ctrl+W when I was doing my work and wheee!!! it closed down. I had to retype again. Adoi. And I was clearly lagging behind. Somehow the stories were quite lengthy and I cannot understand it. Maybe there's something that keeps bugging me that I failed to concentrate. Yah, too much thing to do yet so little time to complete it all. My knitting needs to be completed and I need to get some help to sambung the benang and all. The shawl looks quite hideous right now, standed la orang baru belajar. Budak-budak pon belajar ABC dulu kan? Haha, sounds like me trying to sedapkan hati sendiri.

I seriously was itching to finish it this weeked that I forgot to sew the skull that I completed on my shirt. Shud make a post note or something and stamp it on the wall, maybe.

And today I forgot to bring my tag. Had to pinjam tag from others. I don't really mind that but it will cause serious problem when I need to go back today. Of course, I usually go back at 7 something and by then, the guards will not be there and stuff. I either have to wait for the others to go back (by then I'd be too letih) or go back very very early. The latter option looks pretty good but then it will result in me lagging in my job again. How I wish it is the time for company results. Keep on dreaming you. The fourth quarter hasn't ended yet.

I'm just having quilty-conscious for eating like-I-don't-care for these past few days so been trying to cut food intake. Thus, not eating the food I have in my bag right now. I can feel the double chin and the wobble-wobble near my waist. Darn, I hate this feeling.

I have to stop the bugging question that I have right now. Because I know sooner or later I will have to ask the person but I'm just keen on delaying things. What am I trying to achieve;; I still don't know. I guess I like being in control that I cannot get over the fact that asking and taking the outcome will result in me losing all the total control that I had to have. You power-crazy insatiable mad woman.

The lunch is about to be over in a few minutes. The cakes I brought are nearly finished (I had to bring it to the office because I will end up eating it all the way so I might as well get someone to get fat with me. Cool idea huh?)

To azurin, if you don't mind, I want to listen whatever you want to tell ok? Just don't keep it inside

Sincerely yours,
Deranged, angry, fat woman

Rhino, the hamster. i love Rhino. Rhino kinds of remind me of me. With the bulging cheeks and all. I heart Rhino.

Somewhat like A Truman Show except this is in cartoon offering. Bolt was a dog, rescued by Penny from the pound and later became a TV-star (except he didn't know it then). Everything was going alrite when one day, the production was forced to turn the story around as survey found that viewers were unhappy about the story.

Taunting by two cats finally led the way for Bolt to escape and things became funny from that point on. Bolt discovered he can't stare padlocks into dust, can't do a Super Bark and it bleeds. It was all first experience and finally having to live as a real dog.

Penny longed for Bolt while Bolt was across the country making friends with Mitten and Rhino, learnt how to beg and finally realised that it really a TV star. Bolt wasn't able to rescue Penny as all the past experiences were just a production but in the end,it did actually saved Penny from a fire created by the replacement of Bolt.

The ever-blur pigeons were entertaining and were so lifelike, I was just mesmerized by it. And Rhino couldn't get any cuter. Seriously, I feel like I just want to reach out and hug it. Or squeeze it. Whatever. Grr!

The story is entertaining and my cousins love it, that is the most important point. I still couldn't get used to the idea of wearing an extra glass apart from the one existing on the bridge of my nose. Maybe I should support the call for 3-D display (the one that does not use 3-D glass but then the viewing angle will be limited and the seating will highly depend on an individual. Don't know if they can improve it over time. Btw, I did the topic on stereoscopic displayfor my FYP).

Looking to have a moment of peace with small kids? Try this one. Highly recommendable.

I'm extremely happy today. Despite the fact that I missed the first bus, was nearly late for work as well as having to redo an article because of misinterpretation, I feel happy, blessed.Ouh, and water dripped on my tudung on Monorail, which was driven by a Hamilton-wannabe.

This morning I woke up to a very loud Lagu Raya. Like seriously loud that the moment I opened my eyes, I was like 'Wow, it's raya already?'. You can't blame me, my body just started functioning and the day was cool and what not. I laughed to myself, such funny people putting on the lagu raya (There are people who had their kedai potong ayam in front of my house so it must be the uncle and his kids. Cool huh?).

I remembered today is Isetan's 3-day Members Day Sale! I remember buying RM400 worth of things and paying just RM100++ in May 2008 and the time has come again. What a bargain. Basically slacks and really good ones that you can't get for RM45++ normally. And plus...I'm meeting sha. Nothing beats a good girl-gossip. I can imagine me dragging her to some shop and have hot chocolate. That will be just great huh? It's like an advanced birthday.

And I had fun at work. Yes, you read it right. Fun at the office because I found a Smurf today. A she-smurf. She work white pants and blue top. Too bad since we have been reminiscing about cartoons all week. Check out this conversation with one of my colleagues

L: Why do you have to post this post it on the paper? Can just write with a pencil before coming to ask me about this article.
Me (feigning panic): Omg, I have wasted a tree
L: Yes, you have
Me: And a shocking pink paper
L: Yes, you just did. Now, shocking-pink people will be mad at you. The shocking-pink people, arch enemy of Smurfs.

I'd never thought I'll be having that kind of conversation like that at the office. And he's like 30++. Such fun environment.

And then after lunch, we had this screening of Justin and Beyonce's dancing on the computer screen. Ah bliss. As well as having a Christmas tree in front of the office. Wonder who will give me the present this year.

And I have been smiling all day thinking about certain someone (insert either Jared Padalecki, Josh Hartnett, Alex Kopranos, Matthew Gray Gubler or Damian Kulash Jr here).

I seriously do not know why I write this. I just feel blessed and would love to just focus on the positive things. I feel blessed. What about you?


P/S: I don't know whether to go watch Bolt or not. Afraid it will sold out tomorrow but haven't got time to rush to Pavilion.

it's kind of annoying to be on such shaky ground. i'm still contemplating, pausing to contemplate and continue to contemplate.

why is it so hard? i think it was there but then again, was it there?

i know, i'm having this whole, big, gargantuan fort i build every day. sheesh.. i know i can't see it but it's there.

life is great, never been better. but these few days (not really few, i know for sure it has been for a few weeks), i found myself staring into space. like seriously. i missed my floor a few times in these past week (i hope you are happy reading this elle). i didn't even stop thinking about it. refreshing and looking back for the traces that the person left. which as far as i can see, traceable up to 2005. the power of electric document, i hear you say.

i don't know when this will end. usually i will be penning tons of flowery poem on my bed, in my room, in my baby cousin's room, on the floor...everywhere but i lost the will to do so now. i keep mum and think. seriously thinking. unnerving this is, i haven't been able to find the end to it yet. very frustrating.

it doesn't feel like a phase. darn, is it time to seriously thinking about this? *yawns

OK, first thought I had when I saw the title was 'A parody of You've Got Mail or a movie title of the sort is it?'. But heck, the book was so cheap so I grabbed it as soon as I see it. Thi hi hi. OK fine, this is the first book that i finished from all the books that I bought during the book clearance sale.

Hats off to Donna Andrews, it was really out of the ordinary. Well, the book was published back in 2003 and get this right; the main character is a computer! There's no love involved just the computer trying to save its creator from being depopulated.

Turing Hopper (yes, taken from Alan Turing) was an Artifical interlligence Personality (AIP) In Universal Library. Well, it isn't a library but a corporation providing It services and stuff. Turing responded to people based on their personality so no one can have the same response from Turing and she (the creator called it she) became an adjective. People responded to it like 'I'm doing Tur this afternoon' and the like. Cool huh? It's like having a friend online but instead of having someone behind the screen, we are actually talking to a machine that never sleeps, never bore us and will not be able to be tired of us.

Wait, then it turned. Turing actually became sentient and develop human-like senses. When Zack, it's creator went missing, it actually realised that it was concerned; a feeling so alien to it that it realised 'I'm sentient'. The journey started from there with Turing trying to pry into the UL's secret to find out where is Zack and does Zack's disappearance have anything to do with his friend's death.

Turing had to rely to two humans called Tim Pocinscki and Maude Graham because despite the fact that it can retrieve information around the globe, pulling and prying into information that wasn't even hers, clearing Tim's credit card debt and such, Turing was immobile. A middle-aged Maude helped Turing with its speech-recognition and then came the part when Turing downloaded itself into a robot in search for Zack who Tim found but does not wish to come back to UL. Apparently, he knows that someone or some people are looking for him.

A page-turner, engaging, emebedded with computer terms but undertandable enough for a computer illiterate for me. The plot is catching and it's amazing to see all the AIPs getting and thinking together. A nice change indeed and highly recommendable.

I built a fortress
no, build a fortress
to protect my feelings
to protect from being hurt.

I'm opening a gate
but once I sensed that someone is going to wrech my heart off my chest
throw it on the hot asphalt
and tramp on it
I'll shut it.

I'm ready to accept but I'm so fragile that one shaky statement, will send me scrambling to shut the gate, chase everyone out and stay cold. scary huh?

From My Desk : The Kind of Love That I Want

I remember watching A Lot Like Love, What Happened in Vegas and 27 Dresses and actually wanting to meet a love like those in the movies. It started out from friendship (except A Lot Like Love) and turned out to something special. I actually do hope that I meet that someone from the circle of my friends (ah kantoi). Well, I'm obviously not getting younger and dating? Hurm..

Anyways, this morning, I got hopped on the bus again (like I have done so for the past one year and yeayness! It's my one-year anniversary of working here *throws one thousand zillion confetti) where was I? Ok right. It was a very bumpy journey, you know how it was at 8am. Yes, I do go at work at 8 am, taking my own sweet time, siap bole beli that hot steamy pau for breakfast. And I saw this aged couple. They look pretty similar, which is what people always say, if your features is the same with your partner, InsyaAllah sejuk rumah tangga. Plus minus, they will be around 70 or even more but seriously, they are not frail.

I looked at them and wonder, they look so at ease together, will I be able to create a relationship like that? Without words, they seem to understand each other, just through their body language. And when they went down the bus, that's when I felt as if I was about to cry: the grandmother held the grandfathers' hand to cross the street. She's obviously younger than the grandfather but that aside, I think to myself, can I take care of another person like that? Will I be able to push aside my needs, selfishness to guide this person to cross the roads when the road was so full of people heading for work and the lights were blinking like mad? Will I have the patience of not pulling the other person's hand, to ask him to walk faster? Can I do that? Will I be able to change myself and tolerate that person?

I realize now that's what I want. I want to grow old with the person, not just living and being with him for a mere few years. I want to have backaches, quarrels, difficulties with the person, not just the shiny and beautiful things. I want to go through all the trouble, crossing the road, fall down, pick ourselves up and laughing, I know that what I want.

Crap. I have tears in my eyes.

If I were to call you 'Si Jahat' three or four times daily
Does that mean I love you?

If I were to hide your car keys
Just to see the worried look on your face
Does that mean I love you?

If I were to miscall you three to four times each night
Just to make you mad
Does that mean I love you?

If I were to pretend that I lost your favorite book
Just to spend some time together searching for it
Does that mean I love you?

If you were to remember my favorite food
drink, book, TV shows
Does that show you love me?

If you were to taunt me by saying
"I'm flying!"
"I get to go to Champs-Elysse earlier than you"
Just to annoy me and drive me to near tears
Does that show you love me?

If you were to call me in the wee hours
Just because you want to say
"Hahahaha..you sound so disoriented"
And put down the phone
Does that show you love me?

If I were to get you your favorite CD
And you get me my favorite Roald Dahl series
Does that mean we have a deep understanding of each other?
and most importantly
Does that mean that I love you?
Does that mean you love me?

Would You Give your Seat on The LRT?

I prefer to cuci mate gawking at the guys. That's what I do every day. Like I have been reading articles after articles for eight straight hours so why not 'relax' a bit right? Fine, I have nothing to do.

It's not really difficult to see and filter the guys that went on the LRT. On lots of occasions, I was able to detect cute looking guys (For display purposes only) but most of the times I was disappointed.

Remember the ad on Adlin going on an LRT? Yeah, I think the guys using the LRT do watch it except they don't learn from in, they actually copied what Adlin did. On numerous occasions, the guys, who are wearing ironed shirts, shiny shoes and young, seem to care about no one except them. On many uncountable occasions, I see the ladies actually gave their seats to pregnant women, the elderly and those carrying heavy things. Of course, I can always pretend I'm pregnant. No, kidding.

In my honest opinion (IMHO), if a guy who's healthy cannot give his seat to someone who may need it, I seriously doubt their ability to raise a family. The very simple act of getting up to give the luxury to someone, shows the values instilled in them. And by not getting up when a clearly very pregnant lady is standing right in front of you, is outright selfish. I'm not talking of those who coughed or having fever or anything like that, I'm talking about a guy who's clearly healthy. Wait, they might be pregnant like Thomas Beatie.

I'm just disappointed. It shows that we cannot judge people because most of the time when a guy gets up to give their seats to people who need it, it will be someone who you might call 'plain' looking. Those with ties, executive bags, shiny, branded shoes, will just ignore them and pretend to sleep. I even saw an elderly man got up to give a pregnant lady his seat because a guy won't get up. And she's not 4 months pregnant, she looks really pregnant and tired. Don't people have sympathy? What is wrong with the world?

I once saw a programme where they interviewed a lady and she said 'I don't want to give my seat because they will not say thanks' (buat ape nak bagi seat saya. kalau saya kasi pun derang tak ckp apa-apa). OK, I don't want to comment on her words but have she ever tried giving her seat? What I heard constantly was people saying 'Thank you very much'. They patted you to say their thanks and I even heard a lady saying 'Ouh thank you very much. She (the girl giving her the seat) have to suffer because of me'. Those words, nearly made me cry.

I just couldn't understand it. Are these people going to become leaders in the future? Are they going to be CEOs, CFOs, ambassadors and such? God, I'm terrified with the future. I seriously don't intend to be biased but seriously, that's what I see every single time. Those pakai smart-smart just would not get up. And I even saw the same faces doing it over and over again.

I'm not saying that I'm good but maybe we can start from now. Maybe we can sit and niat that,' I'm saving this seat for someone who needs it. When he or she boards the train, I will get up'. The amount of people needing the seat in every train is unbelievable.

It's the nature of the people to forget and need to be reminded continuously. So, let's us remind ourselves that What Goes Around Comes Around. Today, we are young and soon, we will be wizened. If today we don't care about the elderly, what makes us thing that tomorrow, the young ones will remember us?

The Alchemist

I know I was just supposed to be watching Madagasar yesterday and head straight home. Instead, I bought a few things that I know I shouldn't be buying it. This must be the months that I spent so much. Nevertheless, I'm happy to be able to go to PayLessBook clearance stock sale!

A book caught my eye and I was supposed to buy it and give it to Zill (it costs like RM3 so what the heck). I thought when she said the book was good, it was just good but no, it was tremendously brilliant. Paulo Coelho was definitely brilliant because he managed to talk about Law of Attraction and all the motivational stuff without boring people to death. No wonder someone who barely read books, seemed unable to be detached from the copy.

The story was about a boy who dreamt about going to Egypt and discovering the treasure there. He went to an old lady to get the dream interpreted and soon found homself talking to a King of Salem, being robbed in the market and soon found himself falling in love with Fatima in the middle of the desert. OK, the story was interesting but not as interesting on what we would find in the book itself.

The Alchemist talked about Personal Legends, of what people want to be and what they do to achieve it. It said that when we were small, we know what we want and work towards it. And then as we grow older, we then forget our Personal Legends. We make ways for things that are not important and then one day, we wake up and think 'Ouh it's too late. I can't turn back time'. It's never too late to pursue our dreams.

The reason why we delay things is we think about money to much. What we fail to see is the 'Law of Attraction" never fails. When we think about good things, we will attract good things. And good omens or good signs must not be ignored. It must be seen but of course, we are busy and focus on little unimportant things. The book sayid that things always happen for a reason and it shouldn't be ignored.

Another thing about 'maktub' or it's written. If we were to die today or tomorrow, we shouldn't be sad or afraid because it's written. Everyday is a good day to die.

The alchemist is not a very thick book. But that doesn't mean that it could not convey all the important things because at the end of the day, the simplest thing should not be conveyed in a long winding way.

I personally believe that the book can also become a motivational book. In fact, the language used was so simple hat it can be such a very good motivational material.

I can just say it's a veru good book. It opens up our eyes and make us realise about lots of thing. The ending was not so important. It's the knowledge picked while reading the book that made it so important.

i'm just happy not knowing
because assumptions will just wreck everything
and i refuse to think about it

i love to take it as everything is per normal
nothing is wrong and everything is good

ok fine

i have commitment issues
interested to provide help?
pro bono perhaps?

:D

yeah..it's matters of the heart

(Ketenangan di dalam kesengsaraan. What?)

Well, if you are looking for solace for your weekends, let's just say, forget it. There's no solace in this whatsoever and you can't seem to find romacen either. Well, there's a fling of course but that's just it.

Driven by pain due to Vesper's death, Bond ventures and try to find the person that made him lose Vesper. The shocking thing was, M's right hand turned to be to double-face agent. Quite a big shock to M. The perfect, little Mr Know-It-All was now portrayed as someone more human; blinded by white hote rage, been said to be the person behind all killings and had his job suspended. But of course, being Bond, he can eventually crawl out of the deep plunging hole of habislah-aku.

The scene started out with car chase (nice Alfa Romeo, what a waste) and proceeded to show Bond as an agent that cannot be controlled and even M had problems to tie him down. The story slowly unfolds and nice to see bond in somewhat like a shirt, killing people ruthlessly. I had to hand it down to Daniel Craig for still being able to appear so frigging hot even though pakai seluar senteng. I mean, how many people can actually pull that?

There was no solace in the film, unless you were looking for a place to run from cliche lines and unnecessary mumblings. Be prepared for action because like M said,'you are not able to differentiate between friends and enemies'.

The film touched a bit on environmental issues and how some people use the issue to manipulate the situation in order to gain profit. People are dying and the vilain, Greene, reaped the profit. But don't worry, his death was tragic as well as a little funny. Karma happens you know.

Bond cannot seem to forgive himself or even forget Vesper. It was nice to see the playboy to actually being able to have affection for other people.

The story never fell sort of my expectation. Seriously, I never watched the one Pierce Brosnan starred because I thought he had a little too pretty face. I wasn't even considering to watch the series, not until Craig came into the picture last two years. If you happen to be the fan of Ian Flemming, well, this story, which was actually based on one of his titles (Another Day To Die), what a bummer because it didn't follow the story line.

I had to hand it to Craig for carrying the character so well. He may not be gorgeously good looking (but I like) but he had the charisma (double likey!). And yes! there was no 'My name is Bond. James Bond' line. That was really a nice change.

If you are planning to go for an action-packed movie, I really suggest this one.

Rating: Like a chocolate doughnut covered with rich-creamy strawberry filling. With a tall glass of coffee. Whichever way you like it.

Worth the money.

Are there Any Other Topics In the World
..apart from marriage? God, I'm going bonkers. Mom never actually asked about marriage and now she keeps on asking, throwing, showing and banging hints on my head. Every single day. I nearly puked on the topic.

I was oblivious to the fact that my family was actually concerned of me bergayut tgh malam with by best buddies. And they are girls. Seriously they are girls. And in turn, my friends' mothers will be concerned of them talking to me.

And whenever I go out, there'll be enough speculation to turn the country upside down. Like seriously. I'm not attending those classes for Lesson 101: How to Con Filthy Rich People (if there ever is). I usually meet up friends, gossip, walk, gossip, eat and gossip. Occasional movie watching of course. And they were seriously concerned. Well, thanks by the way but can we like just put the marriage question in a suggestion box or something?

And yesterday was really ridiculous as I actually argued with Mom on the bersanding issue. She insisted to have one when I totally was against the idea (the dias will need more than 1 bunga telur and that will be total waste of money. Why not give then really nice bunga telur or really good food instead?). She said that it will be the only time I'm getting married (which by the way, I see that divorce and be remarried is an in thing. Sorry Mum). Slow down lady, I'm not about to choose the colour for dias as of now.

Before that, she gave me a short, free, private service reminder on savings. I do not have anything against investment (although I'm against the idea of softening to the idea of decreasing monthly investment wherever), not until she said: "Who knows, you'll be suddenly getting married" (Siapa tahu tibe-tibe terkejut nak kawen). I told them, Mum, my sister-in-law, auntie and baby cousin that there's no candidate. Exact words were: Hujung kasut calon pun tak nampak. So, why the sudden, urgent marriage. Please God, don't make it one of those emergency urgent marriage of kene tangkap basah or whatever. Amin.

My auntie was actually thinking of getting me into the reality TV show (which I know will only lead to a bankruptcy of such stations). And this particular suggestion was strongly supported by a very good friend. Very entertaining. I'd rather stay in the jungle for three months rather than getting into any reality TV shows. I'm not ready to show how grumpy I can get at times (which is like all the time).

And then Mom dropped the bomb that someone was...

Forget I mentioned that. I'm dizzy with the questions.

Hand over a potion of this pounding headache. Ouch

The day started with little tiny water particles falling from the sky. I love rainy days. The world seems a little bit brighter and cleaner after the rain.

I woke up smiling (apart from grumbling and little accidental curses as the bed felt oh-so-comfy) and decided that today was a great day. I didn't manage to buy my favourite steamy pau-that-melts-in-my-mouth but I figured it's still ok. Just when I was about to cross the street, I felt a sharp jab at my neck. It was like a needle and I looked around, sure that no snipers are in sight (which is stupid because snipers will be hiding but then it's me! I do stupid things). I managed to discover the root of the pain and tears started to well in my eyes.

The one necklace that my late father passed to me was not as it was meant to be. One small part of it was sticking out. It didn't just 'putus' but it was somewhat broken.

The shock that I had was overwhelming. All of a sudden I felt choked. Like all the emotion welled up. For years, I've been wearing the necklace and it somehow reminded me that he will always be near my heart. I know its silly to actually be sad because the necklace can be repaired but what if the goldsmith says 'The only way I can mend this is to actually 'lebur' it'. I can't face that. I want it to stay that way. The way I saw the necklace when I first laid eyes on it when I was ten. The one thing that kept him close to my heart.

There were not many things that he left me and I just don't want to part with it. I still have the watch that he gave me but I just can't bear the fact that I have to take the necklace off. I have been wearing it around-the-clock, walk around with it, sleep and everything; never taking it off. Touching it made me feel closer to him.

Well, tears are filling every corner of my eyes now. I can't believe that I can get so emotional over an earthly possession.

I tried to pick myself up. I still want the day to proceed as smoothly as possible. Then came the stupid reply from a phone call. It made my world felt more bluer. Darn darn darn.

Luckily I managed to get my song request played on the radio (Flowers In the Window - Travis). It made me feel a little better.

But I guess I just don't feel that happy still. I'm afraid of telling Mak what happened to the necklace. She already called me 'Die ni mmg kasar sikit'. And my reputation of 'putuskan rantai' when I was a kid didn't make matters easier. I want to cry!!! Waaa!

Ah. time to face the music. It's nearly 8pm.

there's the feeling again
the elevated, unexplainable feeling in my chest

"ah you psychotic chronic dreamer
can't you for a minute
put yourself on the ground?
can't you for just one second
be realistic?"

the answer will be a simple 'cannot'

I use to have this phrase stuck in my head 'don't be scared to dream'. It wasn't until recently that I understand quite a gist of it.

Without dream, ambition, angan-angan or whatever you call it, the soul becomes weak that can only lead to weaker flesh. You know, as usual will create laziness and stuff like that. Being mortal, it is unavoidable to be unsatisfied with what we have. It's easy to grumble about work, studies, parents, friends and what not. It's easy to lose focus.

But dreams and ambitions will help us propel through. When we are young, we wanted to become doctors and whatever. But then we entered tertiary institution and still we dream on. And we enter a job, our dreams started to fall apart. The target at that time, maybe to get married and then what's next?

Ambitions could come in tiny little ways. Just a simple target of 'I'm looking forward to learn a new language' or 'I want to aim for my holiday in the Mediterranean' (Ameen) will help us go through it day by day. It help us to stay focus, cast our eyes on the long run.

Without dreams, I believe that life will be dull. And working will become a routine, without no excitement. Well, I need a lot of excitement to get through the day, so pardon my craving for excitement. Ha ha..

Ouh..it's already 6.30pm. I have dreamed to go back this early since few months before. Chop chop! Ta~

Pounding headache
I used to hear people grumble about rainy days but I'm certainly not a fan or scorching hot weather. And it certainly doesn't help having only warm water at home.

The cross-stitch project is coming up ok. Completed the first three and waiting for the right moment to get other projects. Truth is, been wanting to give mom some of my stitches but haven't got the time to do so. Not really not having time, not finding time is more suitable. So, maybe I could just shelve all plans and start spending more time to complete the stitches. Who knows? It can be popular again.

Weekends are the most boring days as I find myself feeling a little bit trapped. But due to the unfortunate case of international sluggish economy, nothing can be done except just to hold the purse a little tighter. OK, fine Malaysia has not gone into recession yet but she is bound to be in the same fate in a few quarters to come. It's best not to be too sunny and happy as when the grim story hits us, maybe it is going to be too late already.

The day has just started, haven't eaten breakfast yet. Hahaha.

Have a great remainder of the weekend. I'm like sleepy but will be feeling so like a sloth and guilt if I go to sleep again.

Great Saturday!

Mum has a great passion for shopping
And she loves walking great distances
Now I know where I got this disease from.

Been walking since 11.30 until 300 something
Must have some sort of powerful engine attached to the feet
None stop baybeh
And has this dreadful feeling that the purse has definitely shrinked
Significantly.

Head swirled left and right
Amazed, flammoxed and flabbergasted
Definitely will like to be there again
Hahaha
Am worried but isn't it too late to be thinking about budget at this point
Hahaha.

I still haven't gone out of my little comfort
I still haven't explored myh surroundings.

The cili padi project is coming up great
Am about to start another project
Got tones of plain shirt
Got to start combining this and that to make it look a bit decorated.

Am happy
Will start to get the creative juices flow
Get it all out.