Memory: 12

These days, the smartphone was glued to Tasnim's hands. Every few minutes, she touched the phone. It was difficult to let the screen stay pitch black.

' Anytime. He can come back anytime,' Tasnim convinced herself almost every night. Well,  after a lot of crying of course.

It was getting manic. Every single week, Tasnim went back to Johari. It was always the same question: any news? And Johari was good enough to entertain Tasnim despite the fact that they were only connected by Adam.

' It's ok, Tasnim. I would want to help my friend be happy,' a sad smile on Johari's face. Tasnim understood that too well.

It was as if Tasnim can see Adam everywhere she went at work. The only place that she felt safe from memories was her floor. Sometimes, she could see Adam in the elevator, other times at the lobby. It nearly drove her to tears because she knew her brain was playing tricks on her. It was just because she missed Adam so much.

It was as if Tasnim tried to cling to every memory that linked her to Adam. It was already two months since Adam disappeared but she kept waiting. She was never alone at night; tears will always be with her, wetting her pillow too.

It was not only Adam, Tasnim seemed to losing her touch too.

Days passed and suddenly it was already weekend. It was officially the days of mourning for her. It was normal for her to sleep really long hours these days, a sign of loneliness. Except that the ring of the phone interrupted her deep slumber.

Hanna.

' Morning love!' Hanna sounded very much awake. Tasnim looked at the clock and was surprised. 9 am and Hanna was already up? It was either something was really wrong or ...

' Morning..' Tasnim answered closely while getting up from the bed. ' Is everything..oke?'

Hanna laughed on the other line. ' What? What do you mean? Of course I am fine. Where are you at?' Hanna sounded as if she was outside, near the streets.

' Home. Just got up,' Tasnim rubbed her sleepy eyes and walked towards the kitchen. The city has long been awake.

' Great. Open up, I'm outside,' And there was a bang on the door.

' What? Hanna!' but the line was already dead.

Outside the door, Hanna was standing with two small cups that can only mean coffee, flashing a 500 megawatt smile.

' Hanna, I haven't showered!'

' Now is the perfect time. Go or the coffee will be cold,' Hanna made herself at home in the apartment that belonged to Tasnim's family. That got Tasnim smiling.

Just as Tasnim stepped out of the shower, something that smelled delicious wafted through the air.

A smiling Hanna greeted Tasnim who just stepped out of the room. 'Scrambled eggs, you oke with it?'

' Thank you,' Tasnim took a seat, realising that she hadn't had a bite since last night.

She scooped some of the eggs with some bread and popped into her mouth. It was as if the dish was the most delicious thing that Tasnim ever consumed. Well, she certainly looked like it.

A few minutes of having the dish, Tasnim realised something. She looked up to Hanna who was staring at her.

' Want more?' it was Hanna's code for ' for a moment there, you looked happy. Please take good care of yourself. You don't deserve this'. Yes, everything that she already said last week.

Tasnim could not answer and just put up a hand.

Hanna smiled again.

' She's recuperating.' A message was sent to Khalid.

Memory: 11

Hanna tried to keep a straight face. Tasnim understood what that meant. Not knowing what to say next, Tasnim took a sip of the black coffee in front of her. She was then transported again to a memory that did not seem familiar.

' Really? That's how you think love should be?' the undergraduate Hanna asked Tasnim, a sceptic tone apparent.

Tasnim has always avoided confrontations. If anything, she chose to agree to almost anything that Hanna said. It was so much easier to do so rather than facing the fact that they were at odds.

' Really?' Hanna asked again.

' I mean, maybe she did not know that the husband is unwell. At first!' Tasnim added when she saw that Hanna was about to pounce on the statement. ' maybe she just got to know about it long after that and it was way too late. They were married already.'

Hanna seemed to be absorbing the information, sitting on the couch with a hand under the chin.

' Hurm. Couldn't she escape?'

' But they are married!' Tasnim tried to drive the point further.

' Ok. Yeah, that would not be too easy,' Hanna said slowly. ' Ok, I get you. It's those who knows what's going on and still decide to go through with the person.'

' But, we don't know. Maybe that person has their reasons!' sensing triumph, Tasnim tried to sell her idea.

' Reasons or excuses?' the plan seemed to backfire. ' It is fine as long as the person is strong enough to carry the other person but this is modern age, we are the NINJA generation...' and Tasnim's mind glazed over.

Ah NINJA generation. No income, no job, no assets. Hanna's argument will make sense as she will the launch into another lecture on economics.

So, here was where Tasnim kind of freaked out. Hanna's approval will be important; that was what people expect from close friends. And now, Adam was having this.

' Aneem?' Hanna touched Tasnim's arm. Suddenly, Walk Away from franz Ferdinand filled the space. Saved by the bell.

' Hanna, my mom,' Tasnim gestured to the phone before heading out to the balcony. A smile hung by her lips.

Memory: 10

‘ You have got to stop, Aneem,’ Hanna’s voice hit her eardrum.

‘ What? I didn’t..’

‘ I know what you do. You still check up on him through his friends,’ Hanna’s voice was grim.

Tasnim kept quiet. She knew she has lost this.

‘ Why Aneem? Do you really have to do it?’ Hanna asked, with a resounding plea.

‘ You would not understand,’ and Tasnim ended the call.

Who would have understood? Adam was gone, without a trace. At least, with the others, Tasnim knew that they had to break up. But this one vanished into thin air.

Her phone kept on ringing but Tasnim ignored the call. It was too much for one night.

Yes, she admitted that she was wrong. It was a crime to actually look through the social media account of Adam’s friends to find out if he was ok. She should have just ask them politely but…

It was complicated. Or, it was made complicated by both of them. Tasnim preferred to wait a little bit longer before being introduced to Adam’s friend. What can Adam do but to comply.

‘ You know, just my good friend,’ Adam stirred the black coffee sitting in front of him.

‘ When?’ Tasnim can feel beads of sweat on her back. This was getting serious.

Adam looked at Tasnim’s face, as if reading what she was not saying from her expression. Tasnim, sensing that she was being sized up, smiled cheekily.

‘ Soon,’ Adam continued with the coffee.

But soon never came. 

Memory: 9

Monday, the busiest of any days in the week. Tasnim threw her bag on the floor and spread herself on the cold wood. Just one thing played on her mind. Their memories.

Suddenly, Tasnim was interrupted by a phone call. Her phone rarely rings so it took her really by surprise. Half of her was hoping that it will be Adam but half of her knew it could not be him.

True. Khalid.

‘ Assalamualaikum,’ Khalid voice was in control, like always.

‘ Waalaikumussalam,’ Tasnim answered. At least it was a familiar voice. She instantly relaxed.

‘ Where are you?’ Khalid asked, as if anxious.

Tasnim laughed.

‘ What? What have I said?’

Tasnim laughed a little bit more before answering. ‘ Do you remember what Madam Samia said during our French class?’

‘ She said a lot of things. That one I can confirm.’

‘ She said that the French call mobile phones as tu est où? Where are you? Exactly what you asked,’ Tasnim said between giggles.

‘ That was random, Aneem. Too random,’ Khalid said after a pregnant pause.

‘ I’m sorry. Could not help myself,’ Tasnim stopped giggling but she was not sorry. Khalid should know that she said the most random stuff on earth.

‘ No, don’t. You don’t have to be sorry.’

‘ I am home, by the way.’

‘ Ouh. A bit early, aren’t we?’ Khalid asked, like a concerned brother.

Tasnim sighed, audibly.

‘ Don’t, Aneem. If you think you can’t, don’t push yourself too far. You will get burnt out.’

‘ I keep seeing him at the places we frequent.’

Khalid kept mum.

‘ I can see him approaching with that smile of his. I can even see the dimples. I can almost remember him in every outfit. It’s…’ and the waterworks came.

And Khalid, like every other male has no other option but to say, ‘ Aneem, I really cannot understand what you are saying. Can I call you back in a few minutes?

It was true. Despite the brief relationship that they had, Tasnim can almost recall everything about Adam. The way they avoided each others in the morning, scared that the colleagues will find out and how they gleefully waved at each other in the lobby when no one was around.

And then everything stopped. Adam no longer said hi to Tasnim. No more playful invitations to breakfast or lunches because they both know it was too early.

Of course, there were no more morning messages.

‘ Adam, where are you?’ 

Memory: 8

Lunchtime was a private time Tasnim. Usually, it was just her enjoying the lunch. Sometimes, Hanna got out of her 'cave' for a quick lunch with her. Tasnim's officemates had long given up on asking her out for a meal.

Late lunch was always so much easy for Tasnim. There was no need to fight for space in an elevator as well as in any cafes. Not that she went to cafes anyways but she just loved the option.

Tasnim rarely met anyone from her office while she was out for lunch. Even if she did, they mostly don't have much to say; she preferred to keep everything professional. Usually, she bumped into familiar strangers.

Except for one guy. Tasnim always bumped into him; either alone or with a few of his friends. Sometimes, she noticed that the guy looked sideways at her. Of course, out of practise, she ignored that. Sometimes, she noticed that the guy looked at her while she was talking to someone. It got really annoying but Tasnim knew she cannot stop anyone from staring. Rude; yes, but as long as he did not violate any personal space, she just brushed it away.

They bumped into each other quite a lot, now that Tasnim thought of it. At one point though, he ignored her completely. But what can she do, he was at liberty to do what he liked.

And that was when things got weird. Tasnim got a feeling that people were looking at her. Not just the guy's friend, some other people too. That just drove her further inside he own shell. She was not comfortable with stares and was even more uncomfortable when she felt people sizing her up before attempting to say anything to her.

' Yes,' Johari answered when she asked about all the stares she received from Adam’s friends. So, Tasnim was not paranoid. Adam has been waiting for the coffee incident to happen and has been looking at her for a long time.

Tasnim swallowed something that was almost similar to a brick blocking her throat.

' So, everyone knew but me?' Tasnim asked, her voice raspy. They seemed to be talking for nearly an hour, Tasnim doing most of the listening. Actually, it had only been about twenty minutes.

' And you guys going out..'

' It was just for coffee,' Tasnim defended herself. Not so much as convincing Johari who was Adam's friend but more to herself.

Johari let out a weak laugh. ' Adam warned that you might do that. Anyways, that, we all knew.'

Tasnim could not believe her ears. Their coffee sessions, she kept it hidden from everyone in her office. She was not too keen on having any of them teasing her if they bumped into Tasnim and Adam while going out. Not only that, it took nearly two weeks before she had the courage to tell Hanna and Khalid. To be fair, she was always on edge while talking to Hanna. She kept looking for an opening to talk about Adam.

‘ Wow..’

‘ You know, Adam was so much better when you were there,’ Johari added, with a chuckle.

‘ But I didn’t do anything.’

‘ Maybe you didn’t need to,’ Tasnim was confident the last line was said with Johari smiling. 

Sweet escape: Gili Trawangan

  I know I hurt my leg but we have been planning the trip for so long. People go to Bali all the time but I was psyched since we were going to Lombok!

Yes, we saw the place in the newspapers for all the wrong reasons. I'm not going to lie; I had a bit of a doubt before going to Gili Trawangan but I was excited too because it was one of the places famous among divers.

Well, I can see why Gili Trawangan is popular.

                                                     From the place that we stayed

We departed from Padang Bai after two days in Legian street. We were pretty exhausted already as we have just finished our rounds on Tanah Lot and what not and going to Gili Trawangan was supposed to be a treat.

The journey took about one hour and a half and we managed to sit at the back of the boat. Right before we fell asleep because we were so tired.

We arrived around 11 am and after abandoning our bags in this beautiful Villa Kayu in Gili Trawangan, we went searching for a boat that will be willing to take us out for snorkelling. of course, Yours Truly will just be on the boat because of her ankle but we can always lower down the camera into the water after setting the timer.

well, no worries though. there are plenty of glass-bottomed boats in Gili Trawangan. so, I can still see the fishes although I had to stay in the boat.

the water was so clear. i want to cry now.

                                              outsourced the task to take pictures to a friend

Kite-surfers in Gili Meno. We met the guru there.

Sunset in Gili Trawangan but we were too tired to actually go and watch the sunset.

Lobster for BBQ in Gili Trawangan. But we were full already. just went for coffee Lombok. Or was it Bali coffee?

Sunrise in Gili Trawangan. At about 5 am (Malaysia time). It was really windy and the wind chimes sounded so nice to my ears.

                                            the private pool. foot still injured. still cannot swim.

and then we went out for a walk (while the others were still asleep)

i miss this :(

presenting to you pokok kekabu 

horsecarts everywhere

yes. look up for Villa Rumah Kayu 

horsecart again!

we were about to leave Gili Trawangan

apparently, this place is very popular among the whites. we felt like we were not even in Asia. Gili Trawangan is a haven for divers and such and God's will, I will come again. AirAsia is now offering flight to Lombok so yeay!

Memory: 7

Hanna opened and closed her mouth like a goldfish out of its bowl.

'He stalked you,' said Hanna with a finger pointing at her face, as if accusing Tasnim of a crime that she was not responsible for.

Tasnim cannot help but laughed despite the fact that she was crying a mere ten minutes ago.

' No. He was not stalking me. He was just..'

' Whatever it is, he was a stalker. Wait, maybe he still is,' Hanna seemed to be carried away with her imagination.

' Babe, he is unwell,' Tasnim laughed, sadness was unmistakable in her voice. ‘ Maybe that was why..’

' He is good looking. Am I right?' Hanna folded her arm.

' Well, good looking maybe...' Tasnim smiled, a little bit shy.

' Huh! I thought so,' a smug look on Hanna's face. Tasnim could not help but smile again. ‘ Must have been or you’ll be filing restriction orders long ago.’

Tasnim giggled a little bit more.

' How come you have kept it so long?'

Tasnim did not know how to answer that question. She was scared, not knowing what to do. What would Hanna say? What would Hanna think of her? What about their future? Is he ever going to...?

' If I told you, it would become real,' Tasnim explained. The same pain accompanied her explanation.

' So what if it becomes real?' Hanna inched towards Tasnim, her voice one notch lower.

' I am scared. I am ashamed. I was so excited the last time I was in a relationship,' this time Tasnim cried.

' Cupcake, that was aeons ago. And we were all young and stupid,' Hanna embraced her bestfriend.

A muffled voice replied, ' but not you.'

' Says who, honey. Says who?'

Hanna let Tasnim cried herself to sleep. It was lucky that it was Saturday afternoon.

' How is she?' Khalid texted Hanna.

' I expect more waterworks in these few days.'

Hanna looked at the sofa. Tasnim slept with puffy eyes. It was not the most amazing sight.

Memory: 6

' I know a lot about you.'

The line shut her up. How on earth?

' From our colleagues.'

Tasnim's brain experienced some kind of a stump.

' Huh?' was all that she typed on the message function on Facebook.

' He has taken a liking on you long time ago.'

' Oke wait. This is a lot to take you know?'

' Ok. I understand.'

For the past few months, Adam has been acting all funny. At times, when they crossed path, Adam said hi. Other times, he acted like they were strangers. It left Tasnim dumbfounded.

Until two months ago, Adam when missing from work completely. Tasnim did not know what to do, who to refer to and such. Despite the fact that they always meet, their friends were kept at dark. Two months were too early for both of them.

It was not until the day she realised that one of Adam's friend made an appeal on his page for him to come home. By then, Tasnim was no longer able to contact Adam. Calls went straight to the voicemail while messages on social media were left without reply.

It was time to look for Adam and she initiated the conversation. Now, she kind of regretted it though.

' Look. There's a lot to talk and this will take sometime to type. Give me your number and I will call you.' It was Johari, one of Adam’s closest friends.

Tasnim slumped back into her seat.

' What kind of can of worm has I opened?'

The call came and left her even more flabbergasted.

Memory: 5

The sun streamed through the windows onto the kitchen floor. The kitchen was deserted and the house awfully quiet. Tasnim knew she woke up late and suspected her mother went out to the market. She felt bad for not being able to keep her promise yesterday.

Being the only daughter had several advantages. Tasnim was the closest to her mother and they were almost inseparable. Two of her other brothers were already married, leaving only her behind in the house that they grew up in. She had no problem with it as her older brother lived nearby. Hence, help was not far during emergency although she prayed hard that would be unnecessary.

Tasnim took a place at the end of the table, staring right outside the window. There was a buzz of activity outside, blaring horns, chirpinh of the birds and voices of the neighbours. It was just seven in the morning but their neighbours were early risers.

Except her.

Smiling to herself, Tasnim got up towards the stove. She knew that her mother will always have a steady supply of hot water and reached for the coffee in a jar.

Once she touched the jar, Tasnim was transported to a new place.

' Black coffee, please. No sugar no cream, boss,' Adam ordered with the cashier behind the counter. The girl just nodded, as if on auto-pilot. It was before eight in the morning. It was understandable to some that was too early.

Tasnim turned to stare at Adam.

' Just coffee?' Tasnim asked, her eyes wide. She already placed her order of sugarless tea.

' Yes. Why?' Adam answered while staring into her eyes.

' That was what I actually have daily at the office,' Tasnim was surprised. It was rare to find someone who had the same taste. Khalid once complained that Tasnim had a dead tongue because of her penchant of sugarless, cream-free coffee.

' I just don't like the taste of coffee mixed with something else in the morning. Thank you,' Adam reached for their drinks before putting it on a tray. ' There,' he pointed to a direction using his mouth.

' I guess I am just weird like that,' Adam took out their toasts before setting it down on the table.

' Just in the morning? Or..'

' Most of the time just in the morning. Usually, I drink those stuff that we drink at other times.'

Tasnim bit into her toast. She wondered what would Adam say if she said that she was of the same opinion.

' You?' Adam took a spoonful of his porridge.

' Just a kickstart in the morning. I need the extra boost,' she wiped the breadcrumbs on the table.

' Drug addict,' Adam teased.

' Hey! You are no better!'

And Adam laughed. Ouh how she missed that laughter.

Tasnim remembered the first day the started talking but not the first time they met. Apparently, the coffee incident was not the first time that Adam saw her.

‘ He has already been eyeing you for a long time…’

Memory: 4

Despite the fact that it was Thursday, this particular shopping mall seemed to be filled with people. Tasnim sneaked a look around while not getting caught by not taking off her shades. It was much easier that way. There was no need to hide her puffy eyes.

Tasnim smiled at the staff behind the counter. She knew the face but never bothered to look at the cashier’s name. There was always something else to do while waiting for the coffee.

‘ You are always busy,’ Adam said with a smile, right before he sat in front of Tasnim.

Tasnim looked at the table in front of her. There was; of course, the mandatory iced coffee, an iPad and a notebook. A pen was abandoned beside another leather bound notebook. Her bag was left open, exposing another book that she intended to write if she was free.

She was about to retaliate but figured out maybe that was unnecessary.

‘ Well, I had to fill my time while waiting for a certain someone. Don’t you think so?’ Tasnim teased. She knew Adam just came back from the office. He popped in for some accounting files.

‘ What’s that?’ Adam leaned over to peek at the notebook Tasnim was writing on, ignoring her question.

‘ Ouh nothing,’ Tasnim quickly snapped close the notebook.

‘ Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,’ Adam smiled while taking a sip from his coffee. It was Americano. Always Americano when they visited this place, which Adam introduced to her. ‘ I’m just…you know, curious.’ Adam peered from behind his spectables.

Tasnim felt herself blush. ‘ Urm..I was writing…’ she mumbled. It was embarassing to be caught in the middle of her work while it was even more difficult to explain what she was doing. It also felt a little bit like intrusion of privacy although she was sure that it was just a question to pass the time.

‘ Pardon?’ Adam asked while smiling, revealing a dimple on his left cheek.

‘ Write. A story,’ as usual, Tasnim’s speaking ability will be reduced to that of a small child everytime she saw the dimple.

‘ Ouh so you are a writer?’ Adam pushed aside his coffee and put his elbows on the table.

‘ No, it’s just something that I like doing. Hobby,’ she looked down at her shoe. It was never easy to tell people that she has always loved writing. Everyone will assume that she wants to be a huge successful writer. Not that she did not want to but Tasnim knew it was too difficult. It was a mixed feeling, really.

‘ What do you usually write?’

‘ Usually fiction. Sometimes, things that I see,’ Tasnim paused. No reaction from Adam so she decided to continue. ‘ Basically, my daily life. Fiction perhaps but these days I’m quite busy so I try to keep it really short.’

‘ Daily life. Fiction. Love?’ there was a cheeky glint in Adam’s eye.

Tasnim rolled her eyes and immediately regretted that. ‘ No, not my cup of tea. I can never write about those stuff.’

A silence hung between them. It was heavy and felt like it should be filled with some flirting but they did not act on it.

‘ I’ve always been amazed by people who write,’ Adam said with a smile, breaking the silence.

‘ Why?’ it was Tasnim’s turn to be curious.

‘ I don’t know. How can someone get an inspiration from, say..coffee?’

‘ Aneem?’ the voice jerked Tasnim back to reality. It was the voice that she missed the most.

A smile that have long deserted her face re-emerged for a split second. Tasnim felt her heart sank when she realised it was Sufee, the barista, who called her to indicate her drink was now ready.

‘ Your iced Americano, Aneem,’ Sufee said.

‘ Thank, Sufee,’ Tasnim accepted the drink, trying hard not to cry.

Sufee, on the other hand, stood rooted behind the counter with a slight look of amazement on his face.

Americano. Iced Americano.  

Pisau vs Potato Peeler

Rambut Aya yang beralun diusap oleh Kat dengan perlahan. Kasihan, sisa air mata masih tampak di pipi yang gebu itu.

‘ Aril panggil pipi pau black pepper mushroom,’ Aril pernah berkongsi dengan Kat satu masa dahulu. Satu masa yang dirasakan sudah lama berlalu padahal baru beberapa bulan.

Sedu-sedan Aya terdengar, jelas. Gadis ini terluka lagi. Entah apa pula kali ini.

‘ Aya…’ Kat memanggil lembut. Adiknya yang seorang ini nampak lain benar sejak pulang dari kuliah sebentar tadi.

‘ Ya, kak,’ Aya terus beralih untuk menghadap Kat. Pandangan Aya jatuh pada perut Kat yang membulat. Ada sinar di sebalik mata yang sembap.

Kat tersenyum. Aya seringkali nampak gembira melihat perut Kat yang semakin membesar. Seolah-olah tidak sabar untuk bertemu anak saudaranya nanti.

‘ Nak pegang?’ Kat bertanya, manalah tahu boleh bawa ceria sedikit pada Aya.

Aya mengangguk laju. Selalunya dia takut benar untuk menyentuh perut Kat. Dengan wajah teruja (bercampur takut-takut), Aya menyentuh perut Kat.

‘ Uh!’ Aya terjerit kecil sambil Kat tertawa.

‘ Nampaknya dia tak sabar nak jumpa Maksu dia ni,’ ujar Kat.

‘ Dia selalu tendang ye, kak?’ Aya bertanya, nampak sudah lupa akan kedukaannya tadi.

‘ Kalau dengan abang Afiq, selalu. Bakal jadi ibu saudara kesayanganlah, Aya nanti,’ Kat mengenyitkan mata. Aya tertawa, sedikit serak.

Bila tawa mereka reda, Aya duduk dengan kekok. Tubuh gadis itu disandarkan ke dinding hingga kaki berlunjur di depan. Sepi mengisi ruang kosong di antara mereka berdua. Kat tidak mahu bertanya, biarlah Aya yang buka mulut sendiri.

‘ Tadi, kami berselisih faham,’ Aya memulakan bicara dengan suara rendah. Kat masih mendiamkan diri.

‘ Kak..,’ ada getar di hujung suara Aya.

‘ Ye, sayang?’ Kat membetulkan rambut Aya.

‘ Kenapa orang yang kita sayang boleh lukakan hati kita?’ air mata Aya laju mengalir.

Kat terdiam. Betul, kadang-kala kalau bergaduh dengan Afiq, inilah yang selalu difikirkan. Bukankah bersama dengan orang tersayang sepatutnya menggembirakan? Mungkin benar. Tetapi kita terlupa…

‘ Aya, kita selalu kupas ubi kentang kan?’

Aya cuma mengangguk dengan mata berkaca.

‘ Aya pakai pisau apa?’ Kat menduga lagi.

Mata Aya membulat, tidak pasti di manakah arah tuju soalan ini. ‘ Pisau untuk kupas kentanglah, kak.’

‘ Bukan pisau biasa?’

Aya menggeleng. ‘ Kenapa tidak?’ Kat bertanya, ada senyum nakal.

‘ Sebab bahaya. Nanti terhiris jari. Pisau untuk kupas kentang lebih selamat.’

Kat tersenyum.

‘ Aya, cuba lihat ini,’ Kat mengunjukkan tangan kanan. ‘ Nampak tak parut ini?’ ada satu garis putih di bahagian ibu jari Kat.

‘ Kenapa kakak?’ Aya kelihatan cemas.

‘ Inilah hasil potato peeler. Kakak terhiris kulit sendiri masa tolong Mama,’ Kat mengusap parut di jari.

‘ Ish. Sakitnya,’ Aya menyeringai, seolah-olah dapat merasakan kesakitan Kat. Ya, memang sakit. Sekalipun ia terjadi sewaktu Kat berusia lapan tahun, ngilu dek mata pisau masih terasa. Masih teringat baju kurung yang basah dengan darah dan raungan Kat yang memenuhi rumah.

‘ Sayang, pisau yang kita sangkakan paling selamat itu pun boleh lukakan kita. Pisau tidak bernyawa yang kita kawal sepenuhnya, apatah lagi orang yang kita tidak boleh kawal,’ Kat memegang dagu Aya. Aya terdiam.

‘ Tak mengapalah, Aya. Tidur dulu. Nanti esok pagi fikir semula,’ Kat bingkas dari katil adiknya.

‘ Kak!’

Kat sekadar memalingkan tubuh.

‘ Terima kasih,’ Aya tersenyum. Kat sekadar mengangguk lalu menutup daun pintu bilik Aya. 

Memory: 3

3

‘ Lunch?’ a text from Hanna. Tasnim sighed. As usual, she left the text unanswered.

They were good friends. They practically grew up together and understood each other.

‘ Like sisters that you never had,’ Hanna winked at Tasnim during one of the many birthday celebrations they had. It was the first time Tasnim was introduced to Khalid, one of Hanna’s classmates.

Despite the time that they spent apart; like the time when Hanna decided to do the working visa job in New Zealand, their friendship remained intact. Either when Tasnim was away or Hanna left Malaysia for travelling or with family, they exchange long emails. Not one but several in a day. They were like soulmates that needed each other.

Both Hanna and Tasnim can share stories as well as silences. That was what Tasnim needed. Unlike Hanna, Tasnim was not very good at expressing herself. She may laugh and smile but God only knows if she was crying inside. Hanna was like the older sister, always taking care of Tasnim. It was a good match as they both complement each other.

Admittedly, Tasnim’s luck in the relationship department was always disappointing. Time and again, Hanna will remind her to ‘save yourself’.

‘ Save yourself while you still can. Because I believe that you could have avoided what I went through.’ Yes, a bad breakup that wrecked Hanna. It has been nearly two years but some scars went too deep.

Sometimes they disagree on stuff. Sometimes they agree to respect each others’ disagreement. Sometimes they fight, Tasnim with the silent treatment but they can never live from each other too long.

That was basically the reason why Tasnim cannot keep things from Hanna and vice versa.

‘ Like Adam,’ Tasnim’s hand flew to her mount, realising that she did it again. A sharp pain can be felt in her chest. It physically hurts to remember about that one person.

‘ He made you happy, you know,’ Khalid said, trying to look non-chalant. Sometimes, Khalid dragged Tasnim along for lunch and such as they happen to work on the same floor.

‘ Operative word ‘made’,’ Tasnim continued to stare at her plate of rice. And Khalid went speechless.

Like a bad tape, the memories continued to flood. Tasnim decided that she will have to ditch Hanna, again. She just needed time for herself. 

Camping stories

Somehow, the fact that the whole nation will be out yesterday (30 August 2013) to celebrate Merdeka totally escaped my mind. It was not until late afternoon that I realised that I will be heading to Midvalley in the throngs of people who will also be there.

Why ouh why? But I guess it was already too late and I had to pass money to my friend anyways. Put on the bulky bagpack (with Back To School sticker in it) and brave the sea of people.

‘ I will not (grabbed the poll in the train) let this (tried a balancing act in the bus)  ruin (gasped as the bus door tried to clamp my right hand) our date! (rushed into the entrance of Midvally; glad the torture is over).’

And I ran from one end to another to meet the friend; of course, avoiding the strollers being pushed here and there and fighting the uncontrollable urge to stop at look at adorable babies. You know, maybe footballers would like to have that kind of training for better dribbling skills.

Sorry, got sidetracked.

Anyways, we met and sat down. It was very hard for us not to be screaming ‘ 24 November, come faster! (Her)’ or ‘ At least 15 of November, quick!’ (Me, I am slightly less ambitious). We ordered food and tried very hard not to constantly think about our travelling plans and I knew we were trying to find a topic that will not kill our braincells.

I don’t know how it came about but then, we started talking about camping trips.

My earliest memory of sleeping in the jungle (for a few days only, of course) was when I was 12. I nearly had a row with my grandfather as I really wanted to go camping near Ulu Yam. The main reason why my proposal was rejected was ‘ you are too young’. Well, he still paid for my allowances, what can I say?

Come 13, there was no stopping me. I begged and plead to attend my very first camping trip with the rest of the Scouts. It must have been a bit of a blah since I have no recollection from the trip, not even the venue. So, nothing to tell.

The best trip would have to be the one when I was in Form 2. It was in Templer Park and there were less than 20 of us. We arrived quite late by our standard and it was raining heavily. I remembered walking, hunched in the rain as I carried our responsibility; a Weetamel biscuit wrapped in a filmsy plastic. We were supposed to protect the biscuit until the end of the trip and must bring the biscuit everywhere with us.

Our group’s biscuit broke into half before we even left the school compound. And they never did found out. Thi-hi-hi.

Anyways, soaked in the rain, we had difficulty in setting up the tent. Don’t ask me, I will not be able to set up one for my dear life. My task was usually to dig a small drain all around the tent. I was not even responsible to sprinkle sulphur all around the tent.

I end up helping the other members to find dry leaves (nada) or dry branches (null) for our campfire. Before we know it, it was dark and we had no food. We were extremely hungry and tired by then, including worried since we had no campfire. Only then did our teacher pull out army candles and Bunsen burner but by then, we were too hungry to get angry.

I had a can of tuna in my bag. Someone else had a loaf of bread. There were eight hungry faces hunched in the dark.

‘ I have tuna,’ I said and I swear I can see their ears perk up.

‘ Ok..’ someone answered almost conspiratorially.

‘ And I have bread,’ someone else whispered. We were elated. We looked left and right, just in case others in the area heard us. None.

Slowly, we made our way to our respective tents and took the tuna and bread before half-running towards our meeting place. Luckily, the tuna can did not require a can opener.

‘ Quick! On the bread.’

I hesitated.

‘ It’s oke. It’s emergency. We don’t have to cook it,’ said someone else without realising that was not my concern.

‘ Anyone has spoon?,’ I said at least. No one said anything.

Great. We had food but no utensils. Asking a spoon from the QC will only result in about ten over people coming over to our group and we had to share the already small amount of food.

‘ Can we use ruler?’ I asked, sensing that we had to find an alternative and fast.

‘ Yes!’ and again, I made the trip to my bag.

And that night, all eight of us slept well. Gross, I know but we were young, stupid and really hungry.

That particular camping trip will always be among the ones that I will look back fondly. When we did river tracking, we passed by a wild boar’s kubang (no idea what that is in English and received no help from Google Translate too). We actually walked in a tiger’s trail too!

Oke no need to be too excited.

My friend and I swapped stories for about an hour. Yes, it sounded crazy when I wanted to go camping but now, I was glad I did it. Although it might not be as grand as staying for a few weeks in the jungle, it was still an experience I can never buy. 

Memory: 2

The sun was shining a bit too bright on that day but for Tasnim, it was such a bliss. The office was too cold for her liking. It was not the first time that she exited the place puffing while rubbing both of her hands and trying to revive her almost dying, purplish nails. Tasnim just needed to defrost; yes, the office felt like a chiller.

Most of the people in the building have already went out to lunch. Tasnim purposely picked 1pm to go out just so she didn’t have to fight for space in the elevator. Maybe it was just her luck or the elevator was being super efficient but it took less than a minute for an elevator to carry her downstairs.

Tasnim walked against the stream of people coming back to their offices. She avoided faces, promptly putting on her sunglasses just to avoid familiar faces. Well, it would not make any difference anyways. No one will smile at her.

On top of the sunglasses, she walked with her head bowed down. All Tasnim could think was keep on walking, as if in a trance. Before she knew it, she already stood at the counter while looking at several coffee-based drinks. Not the franchise coffee chain but a normal kopitiam.

Everything felt like a blur. Almost on auto-pilot, Tasnim ordered cham, a combination of tea and coffee. It was only when she sat down, with a number in a hand that she realised where she was.

As Tasnim stirred the drink that arrived about two minutes after she sat down, all the memories came flooding back. It has been a little bit over a year.

                                    +                      +                      +

‘ I am seriously sorry,’ Tasnim stared at the blotches of coffee on the guy’s shirt. All she can hear was her voice saying ‘Merde’ in her head over and over again.

The guy who was standing in front of her didn’t even attempt to cover his fury.

‘ Seriously?’ the guy looked at Tasnim, a little bit red-faced. ‘ Seriously?’ this time, it was one notch higher.

Tasnim was shocked although deep down she knew that this might happen. Well, what was she expecting. She knocked the whole iced coffee on his white officewear.

‘ I am sorry. Seriously. I didn’t see you,’ Tasnim tried to apologise while looking at the wasted iced coffee on the floor.

‘ Well, of course you can’t. With that sunglasses in this mall,’ the guy rolled his eyes while walking to the nearest table for tissues. ‘ Stupid,’ the guy said without looking back.

Tasnim stood rooted at the spot, feeling the blood drain from her face.

‘ Hey! I said sorry,’ Tasnim marched towards the guy.

The guy stopped dabbing tissue on his shirt and looked at Tasnim’s face. ‘ So, does it change anything? Did the coffee stain vanish?’

‘ I am well aware it didn’t but that was not an excuse to call me stupid,’ Tasnim took off her sunglasses.

‘ Great. Should you have taken off that..’ the guy stopped mid sentence while still staring at her face. ‘ That…that sunglasses, this would not happen,’ the guy continued his sarcastic remark although it did sound a bit lame to Tasnim’s ears.

Tasnim did not have time to process the oddity. Instead, she did a mental calculation and fished her purse.

‘ Fine. Follow me,’ Tasnim turned around. ‘ I’ll buy you another shirt,’ she answered to an unvoiced question.

‘ What? But..’ the guy stopped cleaning his shirt and trailed behind Tasnim.

‘ Seriously, I’m sorry. Come on,’ Tasnim did not look back but she knew he was there. There was a whift of coffee from behind.

Without bothering to look at the guy, Tasnim walked towards one of the department stores despite the fact that she had no idea what guys usually wear to the office. As soon as she arrived at the front door, Tasnim stopped suddenly. She turned around and looked at the guy’s face.

The guy whose name Tasnim is yet to learn, raised an eyebrow.

‘ I..urmm.. I have no idea what brand guy’s wear,’ Tasnim said while unconsciously making her voice smaller.

No reply. Tasnim waited in agony before the guy burst into laughter.

‘ What?’ she asked. This guy can really change his mood faster than a female on PMS.

‘ It’s ok. It’s after work anyways.’

‘ But your shirt..’ Tasnim tried to reason.

‘ Nah. It’s ok. This will come off,’ the guy smiled. And Tasnim’s heart did a leap. A dimple on the right cheek.

‘ I’m sorry that I lost my cool,’ the guy brushed off his hair. Or fringe.

‘ Well, it was my fault anyways.’

Awkward silence.

‘ By the way, I’m Adam,’ the guy introduced himself.

‘ Tasnim.’ Tasnim struggled to smile as she could feel a blush coming.

‘ Wow. Such a beautiful name,’ this time, Tasnim really had no choice but to blush. ‘ I should not have called you stupid. It was totally uncalled for. Can we go for a drink as you lost yours and I haven’t had mine?’ Adam plead, his voice low.

Maybe it was guilt or maybe it was just fate. They sat at the same kopitiam a bit over a year ago and exchanged phone numbers over two cups of cham.

Tasnim could feel tears welling in her eyes. Adam….

Memory: 1

Tasnim sat staring at her bowl of breakfast cereal. The bowl was half filled with the rainbow-coloured processed food. Hanna; sensing that her beloved friend will not be moving any of her limbs anytime soon, poured milk into the bowl.

Unexpectedly, the milk stopped pouring before it can even fill half of the bowl.

On no. Here comes…

‘ Why?,’ here we go again. Yesterday, it was sugar. The day before that was doughnut.

‘ Is it too difficult to have the correct amount of milk added to my bowl? People don’t know what I’ve been through.’

Hanna was expecting the usual naughty Puss-In-Boots expression from Tasnim but today, something else happened. Her face crumpled before a steady stream of tears went down her cheek.

As quick and as efficient as lightning, Hanna fished her phone from her back pocket.

‘ Code Black. We have a situation here.’ It was a text sent to Khalid, another friend.

‘ Code Black? What’s that? Since when do we have a Code Black?’ that bloodyline from Tower Heist. Came the reply.

Feeling impatient, Hanna called Khalid instead while marching out of the kitchen, leaving a sobbing Tasnim at the table.

‘ She is crying, you dolt!’ Hanna hissed down the mouthpiece.

‘ Ouh no.’

Ouh no is right. Their friend might finally accept that it was the end of the road.

No more Tasnim-Adam. 

Chak!

ini bukan kucing parsi. ini kucing kampung, berbapakan kucing kacukan. kami tak pernah jumpa bapa dia tapi kami kagum dengan dia. kagum sebab comel sgt. yang banyak dalam rumah ni cuma kucing belang-belang atau tompok-tompok yang sebenarnya semua template. sama je semua. perangai pun sama; curi ikan, pecahkan pinggan. haish.

tapi yang ini lain. dia tak masuk rumah. bagus. yang kami risaukan kalau ada orang curi.

dilemma betul. ada kucing tak comel, rasa mcm nak pija. ada kucing comel, malas pula nak pegi kasi injection ke apa. takut orang curi. haish. mcm-mcm..

tunggu

sampai masa untuk giliran kita, ia pasti akan tiba.

apa? kau tanya? ah apa-apalah.

cinta contohnya. contoh sahaja.

pencari cinta, sabarlah. giliran kita akan tiba. tepat masa, ia akan sampai. dan kau takkan mampu menolak.

sampai saat itu, sabarlah. pujuk hatimu suruh sabar dan tenang.