i set up an office in my living room
yes, a mini portable office

i was feeling pretty mixed up on that
should i be happy so i don't have to go back realllyyyyy late everyday?
or just be really unhappy because i don't get to do my favorite activities on sundays (read sleep eat sleep)

but today
i do feel good
because i get to go back earlier
and spend quality time with the family
so..smiles

It was 8.25pm and everybody at my house seemed excited. Apparently, they have been talking about Earth hour for several days. Ok fine, I’m bad. I thought they would not care but they did. Which is actually a good thing after all. And now the Earth hour is effectively over and I’m typing this piece with the light on.

It’s not much. An hour will not do much. It does not even make up for all the rubbishes, wasted power and those thing that I’ve been littering all my life but I do believe that we should start by starting. I do think it’s more like a hype, similar like the organic hype. Ya, I know, I do think that way but I’m so whatever right?

Had great fun at the party at Cassie’s sis. Great food, great stuff. Great activity. I’m covered in soot, stank of smoke but whatever. I’m just happy. And Kate, the birthday boy loved our presents.

Ok I’m positively pissed about this connection. I have been trying to connect since 9 and just finished an hour conversation when it finally connected. But now I'm just tired and pissed. Urgh

took this from mak hayam terlampau's (yang hot dan seksi). time to learn about myself.

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
(i wish la kan? i can't even solve this problem that i'm having now)

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
(anything as in anything? that does not sound good)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
(and i'm predicting that will not happen in the coming ten years)

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
(and why am i dating girls then?)

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
(i shudder to think about my pointer though. i prefer practical stuff)

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
(and i wonder do they have an opening as time-waster?)

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
(urm hum. ok this sounds a bit true)

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
(wow. so, can i just wear kain batik and T-shirt bodo to office now?)

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
(mature? yah, i know. i wish la)

ni sape create kuiz ni? tah sape-sape punye analisis la yang aku dpt ni.

takpela. hiburan waktu tgh hari what

It never crossed my mind that a movie with Owen Wilson in it will be sad. Seriously.

This is a movie about life, married life in fact. John (Owen Wilson) and Jen (Jennifer Aniston) started their life during a blizzard and both proceeded to work their marriage together. First, Wilson secured a job as a small time-reporter before proceeding to write a column. They got a puppy which they dubbed as 'clearance puppy' and from there on, the story unfold.

Marley, a Labrador, was continuously called as the worst dog in the world ever. But still, the family love them. He was there during the miscarriage, first son, second son and the 'whoops' daughter. It was there when Sebastian (Eric Dane *drools)tried to score chicks and of course, when the neighbour got stabbed.

It's drama, not much of funny lines but enough dosage to make people laugh. Especially Grogan's boss. It's like a walking irony.

Despite the fear for thunder, hyperactivity, naughtiness and all, the family learnt how to stick together and survive it all with the dog. And I can't believe that I actually cried when they buried Marley (OK fine I cried. The first movie that made me cry was I Am Sam. Luckily I watched it alone or someone would have called me a wet blanket. Wait, I think that person did call me that).

There were fights, colicky and disagreements. The food has to be put on the table but there is actually more to life. And one will never know where the inspiration might come from. Despite that, it is very very important to keep the eyes open and ready to accept the signs.

Thus, I'm taking this opportunity to everyone that has shared their thoughts on my previous blog entry, as well as those who read it. Reading the comments helped, I kid you not. And especially to Carrie who spent a totally cool evening yesterday (don't make me hate you for reviewing Mills and Boons novels. You just want to annoy the hell out of me right?). And Meg Cabot helps (although it made me puke all night yesterday because I was reading it on the train and maybe something is wrong in the Tom Yam Noodle. Whatever, I survived the night). But why don't MPH Subang Parade sell other Cabot's books? It's a crime not to sell other titles.

OK, enough babbling. Got to do Queen of Babble thingy with a good friend.

Midlife crisis can occur at any time of the year and the period it lasts ranges from one person to another. I for one, is having trouble coping with it.

Cited from wikipedia: "Midlife crisis is a term used in Western societies to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" of life, as a result of sensing the passing of youth and the imminence of old age."

I'm having doubt and a lot of thinking. Its as if my whole being and energy are being invested at the workplace. Quality family time becomes less and less, I smile less frequently at the office and many things do not excite me anymore. I realize I had too many books, clothes, opportunities to laugh but still I sigh. I'm just tired and sore. I just need time to sit down, type the stories I have in my head here and be happy. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen soon. My time, my life, me have to be constantly divided for different things that I just want to scream 'STOP!' and let the passing time freeze.

Keep on dreaming baybeh.

I know I know, the work pays the bill. But that's it, where does it go from there? I'm having doubts, serious doubts about me now. I don't see me moving forward, instead, I'm progressing backwards, thinking about working in bookstores and stuff. Like a friend nicely put, 'You've lost the drive' (or something along the line. I was too busy rearranging excuses to skip work today in my head than hear the friend speak).

I am thinking about moving to Penang. To leave everything behind and skip this all. What this hollow feeling didn't tell really is whether I will miss my friends; who stood thick and thin. This thought doesn't fell like a phase. I'm actually looking, judging, drawing the pros and cons of the choices. I'm just tired.

What is the point of rushing when there's more to life? Why do we have to run after buses, taxis, trains and LRTs when we know the job will always will be piled high on the table? Why do we thrive to buy the most expensive bags, shoes and shirts when at the end of the day, they will just wither away?

I lost the competitiveness, the drive, the will to creep out of this deep, plunging, sinking feeling. I know something is not right but I can't place it (no, it's not getting a boyfriend or a partner. I'll be whining and complaining and being demanding that getting into a relationship will be an absolute disaster). I know something is missing; it's not my toe, my finger or my nose but I don't know what it is.

I spend most of the time trying to escape from this feeling. I went out nearly daily, hang out with different but same circle of friends, watch movies after movies and turn pages after pages of books but still, the serious self-doubt will not leave me alone. It drives me mad because I fell helpless, not knowing to do anything. No matter how hard I told my life to get back on track, it just wouldn't. Ouh right, I was the one who is supposed to do that.

I'm trying to find meaning not to run away from this place, this job. I'm raking my brain, just trying to hold on to it. Maybe I do seriously need a break. Switch the phone off and run off somewhere without electrical appliances.I am just frigging-effing-tired.

I don't know how long this will go on but please, if anyone, any of you know the cure for this crisis, I would love to hear it.

P/S: if i can just find time to type the story that I so wanted to type since last year, it would really be a great help.

wednesday, 11 March 2009
A: so, the town that you lived in, was it an industrial town?
B: yes, it was
A: was daimler-chrysler based in your town
B: no, but audi is. our town is called 'bandar planet' for other towns. you know right?

I put a totally blank face

B: ouh, you didn't learn it before?
A: omg, you make me feel like a bimbo
(whines for half a minute)
A: wait, you mean bandar satelit not bandar planet right?

B laughed enthusiastically. B actually had the audacity to tell me that I didn't actually learn about it. helloooo...it's geography of course i studied it before.

but that didn't stop me laughing. it just slipped out of my mouth. i didn't intend to laugh at B like that but bandar planet? what? that is like so frigging alien.

darn it. i have to go back. i'm like so effing sleepy. got to go back and continue john tucker must die

i actually typed something based on the change of the headline but no, it didn't come out. maybe it was a sign from god not to hate John Tucker. will i follow it? you wish and keep on wishing. i hate john tucker like i hate my mobile phone during work. yes, a love hate relationship.

so, it's settled that:
Zill will now be known as Carrie, the brainy-blonde
Azu-rin will be Kate, the new hot girl
while I am Heather.

Well Zill @ Casey wanted to be Beth (Sophia Bush) but in the end nobody got the chance to be one because it's useless to fight.

and this will be one of the silly things we do. who's john tucker? well..it's for the three of us to keep a secret and no one will find out.

Carrie, I didn't manage to smile to anyone yesterday. People looked at the wall instead of looking at me.

On another development:
I pissed somebody off I think. I was the one who was pissed off at first but it ended up being him who got pissed off. Weird huh?

But I'm still pissed. Hate is a very strong word. Let's make it fun and never find a word for this tiny, blinding, flash of hot anger near the heart. Deal?

report: end of working day 1

i failed with grandeur. i smiled to my sandals and failed to smile at two girls walking from their toilet to their respective offices.

Carey, plis lempang sekali mcm kamu lempang Jane (Katherine Heighl)

i'm smiling and still smiling. afterall, i had the best companions with me who will always always support me, regardless whatever may befall on me. i'm so very glad that i meet them.

through laughter and tears, through thick and thin.

wah, berfilosofi gitoo. akak ni kenape kak? dah buang tebiat eh?
jawapan: akak under influence ubat batuk. bukan beli punye okeh? doktor kasik

i'm still coughing and its going to be 2 weeks tomorrow. i secretly think that i'm allergic to smoke as in cigarette smoke. someone alleged that i lied when i accompanied that person for a cigarette break. hey, i was ok five years ago. how was i to know i suddenly developed this allergy? ok maybe i was allergic to all the memories. there's a lot of maybes and i can go on and on and on about it. maybes that are particularly linked to the thing that happened five years ago.

another note: i have Casey in my life. the casey as in 27 Dresses Casey who will slap me back to reality. the Casey who is practical, down-to-earth, thoughtful, funny, caring, realistic and ever resourceful casey. of course, the name will be zill but she slapped me back to reality that i have the urge to call her casey starting yesterday. i mean, she 'slapped' me, not quite literally.

and we settled on the part where this is a lesson to make me a much better person. to practise patience as well as all the things that we learnt through the alchemist. so far so good. i don't really think the self-destructing period will be so much needed.

and i have a new mission, thanks to Casey. the new mission is smile. be nice and smile. be approachable and smile. Casey said smile to everyone. well, i only have the capacity to be nice to at most five person per day (i expect Casey to comment on this. wheee!) maybe not five. omg, i never realise that smiling is a chore. at this point yes, i realise that smiling is not easy for me. like a friend said, org mesia mmg tak peramah melainkan dengan org luar je. darn it, i'm not even nice to foreigners *cries.

ah, lunch break is over in a few minutes. got to make the trip upstairs (and hopes that someone will...nevermind). am looking forward to meet Casey today. Mrs Bloomwood tomorrow and dear girlfriend on Thurs. wow. bilenye ko nak beli tiket pegi penang ni? ishk