Midlife crisis can occur at any time of the year and the period it lasts ranges from one person to another. I for one, is having trouble coping with it.

Cited from wikipedia: "Midlife crisis is a term used in Western societies to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" of life, as a result of sensing the passing of youth and the imminence of old age."

I'm having doubt and a lot of thinking. Its as if my whole being and energy are being invested at the workplace. Quality family time becomes less and less, I smile less frequently at the office and many things do not excite me anymore. I realize I had too many books, clothes, opportunities to laugh but still I sigh. I'm just tired and sore. I just need time to sit down, type the stories I have in my head here and be happy. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen soon. My time, my life, me have to be constantly divided for different things that I just want to scream 'STOP!' and let the passing time freeze.

Keep on dreaming baybeh.

I know I know, the work pays the bill. But that's it, where does it go from there? I'm having doubts, serious doubts about me now. I don't see me moving forward, instead, I'm progressing backwards, thinking about working in bookstores and stuff. Like a friend nicely put, 'You've lost the drive' (or something along the line. I was too busy rearranging excuses to skip work today in my head than hear the friend speak).

I am thinking about moving to Penang. To leave everything behind and skip this all. What this hollow feeling didn't tell really is whether I will miss my friends; who stood thick and thin. This thought doesn't fell like a phase. I'm actually looking, judging, drawing the pros and cons of the choices. I'm just tired.

What is the point of rushing when there's more to life? Why do we have to run after buses, taxis, trains and LRTs when we know the job will always will be piled high on the table? Why do we thrive to buy the most expensive bags, shoes and shirts when at the end of the day, they will just wither away?

I lost the competitiveness, the drive, the will to creep out of this deep, plunging, sinking feeling. I know something is not right but I can't place it (no, it's not getting a boyfriend or a partner. I'll be whining and complaining and being demanding that getting into a relationship will be an absolute disaster). I know something is missing; it's not my toe, my finger or my nose but I don't know what it is.

I spend most of the time trying to escape from this feeling. I went out nearly daily, hang out with different but same circle of friends, watch movies after movies and turn pages after pages of books but still, the serious self-doubt will not leave me alone. It drives me mad because I fell helpless, not knowing to do anything. No matter how hard I told my life to get back on track, it just wouldn't. Ouh right, I was the one who is supposed to do that.

I'm trying to find meaning not to run away from this place, this job. I'm raking my brain, just trying to hold on to it. Maybe I do seriously need a break. Switch the phone off and run off somewhere without electrical appliances.I am just frigging-effing-tired.

I don't know how long this will go on but please, if anyone, any of you know the cure for this crisis, I would love to hear it.

P/S: if i can just find time to type the story that I so wanted to type since last year, it would really be a great help.