Hoh! Tosai Tragedy?

Hoh! Tosai Tragedy?
Originally uploaded by uculer

I can easily embarrass myself. It comes naturally; as natural as breathing. I don’t need to think, I just embarrass myself like…poof! No need to take a 12-step programme or anything. It just happened.

And that was what happened today. Something that I call ‘Tosai Sardine Tragedy’.

I had pasta for lunch today. And being the typical me, it was not enough, it was not filling. By 3 something, I started having hallucinations of being served with fries (my friend broke the rule of no fastfood rule this week by shoving fries literally under my nose at work. I had too much chocolate. And ice-cream. And cheese. Ouh dear), pizzas, nasi goreng paprika and so on and so forth.

I tried concentrating and I was doing so great. Right until that share sale news of San Miguel, a company involved in food, drinks and packaging and I lost. My stomach started the rockestra, with a pinch of dangdut and a bit of world music at the sight of the printed word ‘food’. Conclusion: nearly crawled to take the paper out of the printer. And my biscuit supply is running out, so does my cereal.

Suddenly, I was transported back to university time (right in the middle of a story on a new bus range from Ashok Leyland); to the time when bedtime starts at 4am and 10pm is the perfect time to eat dinner at some mamak stall. I started to crave for roti sardine.

Arrangement was made; we need to go out at 5.12pm (although I had to wait for a good few minutes before The Colleague finishes whatever task at hand. Very impatiently of course) to go find tosai sardine at the mamak restaurant opposite The Weld. I’m too hungry to wait until we arrive at Central Market and no one messes with a ‘Hungry Aishah’.

So we walked a few minutes with The Colleague commenting on the weather. ‘very nice weather’. In this scorching heat? Lucky I was so hungry or many people would have to endure a long-winded lecture on how the day was just totally dreadful. I was really focused. Tosai Sardine.

And so we arrived; me with my big smile pasted on my (oily and sweaty) face. There was a laminated menu and I grabbed at it like a kid seeing his favourite cookie on a barren table right after sports day on a hot, dry, humid day. I scanned the menu and see no Tosai Sardine. No sweat, this is a mamak restaurant. All you have to do is ask. They can magic it out of thin air (I would like to think).

The waiter came and of course I asked about Tosai Sardine as soon as I can.

‘ Ada!’

Yeay to all mamak restaurants in Malaysia! And I can actually feel, then, how my stress evaporated and I felt high with anticipation. Tosai Sardine, it has been years (gone all melancholy).

You see, when it comes to telling my order to the waiter, I usually have the attention span of a goldfish. Once I tell the waiter or waitress what I want, I will instantly forget what I just said. It’s automatic. I can never remember what I ordered, never mind if I have written in on my wishlist for a year, have a fluorescent-red banner wrapped around my house (I’m just stretching it a little bit only), I just can’t remember.

We were talking (with me talking gibberish) and a waiter asked if I ordered ‘teh tarik’ This is a standard drink at any mamak stall that I order so chances are I won’t be wrong, not that I like it (Excuse Numero Uno). And we talked, while scanning the menu again. And then another waiter arrived with a plate, the familiar smell of sardine wafted through my nostrils.

‘.- sardine?’ I just nodded. The Colleague didn’t say anything, assuming that I’d know what I’m doing.

I looked at this great creation under my nose. It had a reddish quality to it, smelt like sardine so this is my dish right? Right! So I started poking it with fork and spoon, invited The Colleague for a bite (of course, not whole-heartedly. I’m extremely possessive when it comes to food).

An ABC arrived and I still pushed another bite into my mouth when somebody sidled beside me.

‘ Hello?’

With bulging cheeks and wide eyes, I looked to my right.

‘ You order tosai sardine kan?’

I looked at my plate. I could have died there and then. Staring accusingly at me, roti sardine with a quarter of it gone. The horror. THE HORROR.THE HORROR. Ok you get it.

‘ Ouh my God’ I was not faking it, I was genuinely horrified. The Colleague was laughing. This was the first time we dined at a place like this where the waiters usually do not write your orders but remembers the orders, not your tables.

‘ Ini orang lain punya,’ onion poking out of the corner of my lips.

‘ Takpela. Nak buat macam mana?’ The Colleague said, with an effort, between laughs. The waiter left. I was still munching, cheek-bulging and all, full of guilt.

‘ Didn’t you realise what you ordered?’ still laughing. I was to busy eating to kick The Colleague's foot under the table.

‘ Nooooooo,’ if that was a movie then I’d be pulling my hair in desperation but it was a reality, so none of that happened. ‘ I’m just forgetful like that. Once I ordered food, I forgot about it completely.’

The Colleague and I went on numerous eating-sprees but this is something that I managed to conceal; this tendency to forget my orders and eat someone else’s roti sardine. I was so embarrassed, I really was. I’d rather faint right there and then, being delivered to the closest hospital than enduring the moment of shamefulness. I just couldn’t believe that it happened. Me eating someone else’s order and make the customer leave the shop. My short-attention-span moment.

As if to rub it in, the waiter came again and brought my tosai sardine. The Colleague said

‘ Takpelah. Bawak sini.Saya mau’

And because of that people, I had three-quarters roti sardine and half tosai sardine. The real reason for ordering tosai sardine was to reduce the fat in the food but there you go, double whammy.

And that is the end of Tosai Tragedy. Ouh dear, I have to face The Colleague tomorrow. The shame of it, the shame.

P/S: For those who plan to open a restaurant, you might want to know that I’m unable to remember my orders. Your waiters should be able to place the right food in front of me or I’d lose you another client.