I’ve been having this feeling of becoming an android because I have resorted to placing things into my eyes. I know I know, I was slow on the uptake of contact lenses. I thought I would not be wearing it anymore after ditching them nearly eight years ago. Wow, that’s a really long time.

So my astigmatism has increased. Doubled in fact. It has been hindering my eyesight for quite sometime but I always had a good reason of not going to the optometrist. I’m busy, I want to get home early, I’m too hungry-so-I-went-for-dinner-and-the-store-is-closed-when-I’m-done and global warming. OK, that last part was really a pathetic excuse.

So I went up to check my eyes and I really have to embrace myself because I have long realized that my eyesight was failing. I just don’t want to go and check it, that’s why. Furthermore, the spectacles I’ve been wearing was one from four years ago or so.

As a result, I had my very first Toric lenses. Darn, I hate having to struggle to put the lenses in my eyes, especially the right eye. Grr!

But it does actually feel better. I mean, I don’t have to deal with the empty spaces when I’m wearing glasses. It makes me feel better. But of course I had to be really careful in terms of taking care of the lenses. Well, it is something to be placed inside the eyes and stay there for at least eight hours. So, I have to be really careful. Dirty hands are a big no-no and nails had to be kept clean (looks at the nails and make a mental note to go cut it after coming back from the movies).

Ok, got to get ready.

On another note: saw Conan yesterday. Yey!

i know you are reading this
no, there will be no sorry
and maybe we can fight over the phone AGAIN like yesterday

looking forward for your phone call AGAIN

and yes, i have the capability of being sad because i'm a human

can't wait for your call AGAIN

(ye mmg PMS maka perlu marah tak tentu-pasal. dan perhatian, jika anda merasakan entry di bawah berkaitan sayangi diri anda seperti sayangi sungai anda adalah untuk anda, besar kemungkinan anda salah kerana saya juga selalu ingin sesuatu yang saya tiada seperti seorang teman lelaki. kita semua mmg makhluk yang menyedihkan)

The stupidest thing on earth

In my honest opinion, hating oneself is the stupidest thing a human can do. Hating, degrading, self-depreciating; are all the biggest sins in the world. Especially when we do want people to like us back.

Imagine hearing one say this: I hate myself. I'm stupid, I have a miserable life, I am not beautiful and so on and so forth.

This is what I might think: ouh, she or he must not love themselves. Hence, it is ok for me to say hate them too like saying 'yah, you are stupid'.

(Usually I don't say that because I don't want to be the reason for someone to kill themselves or something. Of course I will say things like 'don't say that. You are nice')

I believe that everyone is nice inside. Regardless of how cruel one can be but I know they are something nice about a person. There were many examples of it. Even companies have Corporate Social Responsibility program because they want to give back to the community for things that they might have missed out. Even a bad person might feel pity for a kid and that is something nice too.

I know I don't read that much motivational books but I just want to take something from Don't be Sad by 'Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni.

' You think about what you do not have and are ungrateful for what you have been given' (page 29).

Now just stop and look at yourself for a while. Switch off the monitor for a while but this is not adviseable for those using laptop. What do you see? Ok even if you do not want to switch anything off and look into a mirror, look at your fingers. Can you move them? If you do, say 'I'm grateful for my fingers'. Now look at your wrist. Can you turn them this way and that? If you can, you are now free to say 'I'm grateful for my wrists.'

Now pinch your finger. Can you feel the pain? If you can, say 'I'm grateful for my working receptors'. Without realizing, the tiny little receptors are extremely important because they help us to note that the kettle is hot and the water is hot so we won't be burnt alive. See? There are at least three things that we can all be grateful of without even needing to go for a medical check-up. How can we hate ourselves that way?

There's at least one thing that we can love about ourselves. Sometimes we found ourselves being silly and hating it, being fat and hating it and being boring and hating it. Now remember that foolishness are not stupid. Sometimes they can turn out to be cute too. No, I mean it. Sometimes when you blurt something out like a kid does, it becomes cute. But if it doesn't make you cute, laugh at it because later, you will look back at the memory and laugh at yourself because it was funny.

I knew someone who accidentally claimed something about Bandar Planet when he was actually referring to Bandar Satelit. Some geography thingy. We both realised it was wrong and I know he was embarassed about it but did he push me onto an incoming bus just because I laughed at him? No, because he knows that we will be looking back at the memory and laugh at it.

OK I made that up. I didn't know if he will look back at it but at that moment, he himself laughed at his silliness.

Fat. So what? Would you want to be a model and be skinny and wear all the nice clothes in the world and live in constant hunger, having to stick your finger or your toothbrush down the throat after having macaroni and cheese? That's torture. If our body is not made as a skinny-sized model, let it be. I know I can't be skinny but heck; Real Women Have Curves (matilah curik tajuk movie). (note: not all models have to starve themselves tho).

Boring? Ok sometimes we can be boring but maybe, instead of trying to hard to become the center of attention, why not just listen to what people say. Stop and listen for a while (ok stop and stare pun bole but honey, it's rude to stare).

I know we can find something that we do like about ourselves. I know that I'm a good listener. I will try to stay awake during Pillow Talk (and when it comes to my turn, everyone fell asleep). And I know that is a very important attribute because it helps people to come my way as in being connected. That is my pride because too many times, people keep talking about themselves without wanting to know about the other person. So, I like that about myself.

Please ouh please, let us all try to be positive and a bit nice to ourselves. We are all special inside because God will never ever create anything without a reason. Some people say that you can do nothing with your wisdom teeth. That's a lie because I have one wisdom tooth on the upper gum and none in the lower gum, on my left jaw. I removed it five years ago because of some complications. And the effect was, my jaw ached for days if I try to eat meat, liat or not. Yes, that is my own experience.

And I think it is great to note that:

If we don't love ourselves, how can we expect people to love us?

i miss my friends
i really do
i miss them so much although i haven't seen them for like two weeks
ouh yes, if i were given the chance to maary them
i'd jump at one heartbeat
but they are girls (and angie rejected me thrice)

so i finished another book on nanny diaries. Pitt said it was made into films but of course, i didn't know it.

The book was about a girl who worked as a nanny at Mr and Mr X. unfortunately, she fell into a deep and rather not--so-nice trap as the family itself is struggling with their own problem. what with grayer missing both his parents and all the focus given by Mrs X at the wrong places.

Classic parents who have too much money, they tend to leave everything to the nanny and expect the kids to being accepted to some colleges at the age of 4. the result and reality was unnerving (although i do wish that it was not reality). When the kid was urinating in places that he shouldn't be, the mum was concentrating on where he should be peeing, not the reason why he was doing that in the first place.

Then nanny was shocked by the fact that there were someone else besides Mrs X when Mr X was at home. And she was somehow sucked into the problem.

in the end, those with money will always win. and that was really disheartening.

Ok so that was the review that I was supposed to do about last week. i know, I'm a great procrastinator.

I did it! I finished my cross-stitch project! I’m so happy. Ok not really because my back and my leg still hurt a bit. But hey! I managed to finish it.

My F----ing Birthday by Merril Markoe.
The book takes us through a journey of the characters birthday yearly, up to her 41th year. Firth, the mother was there and then she passed away. And her father dated other women while the character herself is going on a rollercoaster ride of a relationship, slipping in and out of one relationship after another. She had a bad relationship with an overly critical mother which did no justice on her self-esteem.

It is quirky, funny and the message is: you lead your life. It was seriously funny, I find myself laughing on the bus.

It’s recommended for girls who wish to have a good laugh on their singleness and take a look at what are they doing,’ am I really letting this guy walk all over me? Is this just lust?’ and things like that. It was cool to read something that sounded like self-development book (on how not to be a pushover) that does not sound so stiff.

Ah, well. Back still hurts. So, Angie and Brad, when are we dating again? Online I mean.

Next project: stitch something for Emak. And frame it, you lazy bum.

it's a monday morning
no i'm not working and i woke up to the brush of soft fur at my feet
yes, it was a cat
i tot it was something else.

bliss
i love coming back to one place that'll accept me no matter what
and i eat
i honestly eat to my heart content.

ok mum is trying to engage me into a conversation
it'd better stop before she felt left out.

i just can't
i just lose control
20 books
yes, that's how much books i bought today

tp sebenarnya, tade org nak pegang je
kalo ade mau aku borong lagi

tengs si cantek teman ai hari ni
ai rase disayangi

p/s: entry ringkas sbb super sebok

i set up an office in my living room
yes, a mini portable office

i was feeling pretty mixed up on that
should i be happy so i don't have to go back realllyyyyy late everyday?
or just be really unhappy because i don't get to do my favorite activities on sundays (read sleep eat sleep)

but today
i do feel good
because i get to go back earlier
and spend quality time with the family
so..smiles

It was 8.25pm and everybody at my house seemed excited. Apparently, they have been talking about Earth hour for several days. Ok fine, I’m bad. I thought they would not care but they did. Which is actually a good thing after all. And now the Earth hour is effectively over and I’m typing this piece with the light on.

It’s not much. An hour will not do much. It does not even make up for all the rubbishes, wasted power and those thing that I’ve been littering all my life but I do believe that we should start by starting. I do think it’s more like a hype, similar like the organic hype. Ya, I know, I do think that way but I’m so whatever right?

Had great fun at the party at Cassie’s sis. Great food, great stuff. Great activity. I’m covered in soot, stank of smoke but whatever. I’m just happy. And Kate, the birthday boy loved our presents.

Ok I’m positively pissed about this connection. I have been trying to connect since 9 and just finished an hour conversation when it finally connected. But now I'm just tired and pissed. Urgh

took this from mak hayam terlampau's (yang hot dan seksi). time to learn about myself.

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
(i wish la kan? i can't even solve this problem that i'm having now)

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
(anything as in anything? that does not sound good)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
(and i'm predicting that will not happen in the coming ten years)

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
(and why am i dating girls then?)

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
(i shudder to think about my pointer though. i prefer practical stuff)

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
(and i wonder do they have an opening as time-waster?)

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
(urm hum. ok this sounds a bit true)

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
(wow. so, can i just wear kain batik and T-shirt bodo to office now?)

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
(mature? yah, i know. i wish la)

ni sape create kuiz ni? tah sape-sape punye analisis la yang aku dpt ni.

takpela. hiburan waktu tgh hari what

It never crossed my mind that a movie with Owen Wilson in it will be sad. Seriously.

This is a movie about life, married life in fact. John (Owen Wilson) and Jen (Jennifer Aniston) started their life during a blizzard and both proceeded to work their marriage together. First, Wilson secured a job as a small time-reporter before proceeding to write a column. They got a puppy which they dubbed as 'clearance puppy' and from there on, the story unfold.

Marley, a Labrador, was continuously called as the worst dog in the world ever. But still, the family love them. He was there during the miscarriage, first son, second son and the 'whoops' daughter. It was there when Sebastian (Eric Dane *drools)tried to score chicks and of course, when the neighbour got stabbed.

It's drama, not much of funny lines but enough dosage to make people laugh. Especially Grogan's boss. It's like a walking irony.

Despite the fear for thunder, hyperactivity, naughtiness and all, the family learnt how to stick together and survive it all with the dog. And I can't believe that I actually cried when they buried Marley (OK fine I cried. The first movie that made me cry was I Am Sam. Luckily I watched it alone or someone would have called me a wet blanket. Wait, I think that person did call me that).

There were fights, colicky and disagreements. The food has to be put on the table but there is actually more to life. And one will never know where the inspiration might come from. Despite that, it is very very important to keep the eyes open and ready to accept the signs.

Thus, I'm taking this opportunity to everyone that has shared their thoughts on my previous blog entry, as well as those who read it. Reading the comments helped, I kid you not. And especially to Carrie who spent a totally cool evening yesterday (don't make me hate you for reviewing Mills and Boons novels. You just want to annoy the hell out of me right?). And Meg Cabot helps (although it made me puke all night yesterday because I was reading it on the train and maybe something is wrong in the Tom Yam Noodle. Whatever, I survived the night). But why don't MPH Subang Parade sell other Cabot's books? It's a crime not to sell other titles.

OK, enough babbling. Got to do Queen of Babble thingy with a good friend.

Midlife crisis can occur at any time of the year and the period it lasts ranges from one person to another. I for one, is having trouble coping with it.

Cited from wikipedia: "Midlife crisis is a term used in Western societies to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" of life, as a result of sensing the passing of youth and the imminence of old age."

I'm having doubt and a lot of thinking. Its as if my whole being and energy are being invested at the workplace. Quality family time becomes less and less, I smile less frequently at the office and many things do not excite me anymore. I realize I had too many books, clothes, opportunities to laugh but still I sigh. I'm just tired and sore. I just need time to sit down, type the stories I have in my head here and be happy. Unfortunately, that is not going to happen soon. My time, my life, me have to be constantly divided for different things that I just want to scream 'STOP!' and let the passing time freeze.

Keep on dreaming baybeh.

I know I know, the work pays the bill. But that's it, where does it go from there? I'm having doubts, serious doubts about me now. I don't see me moving forward, instead, I'm progressing backwards, thinking about working in bookstores and stuff. Like a friend nicely put, 'You've lost the drive' (or something along the line. I was too busy rearranging excuses to skip work today in my head than hear the friend speak).

I am thinking about moving to Penang. To leave everything behind and skip this all. What this hollow feeling didn't tell really is whether I will miss my friends; who stood thick and thin. This thought doesn't fell like a phase. I'm actually looking, judging, drawing the pros and cons of the choices. I'm just tired.

What is the point of rushing when there's more to life? Why do we have to run after buses, taxis, trains and LRTs when we know the job will always will be piled high on the table? Why do we thrive to buy the most expensive bags, shoes and shirts when at the end of the day, they will just wither away?

I lost the competitiveness, the drive, the will to creep out of this deep, plunging, sinking feeling. I know something is not right but I can't place it (no, it's not getting a boyfriend or a partner. I'll be whining and complaining and being demanding that getting into a relationship will be an absolute disaster). I know something is missing; it's not my toe, my finger or my nose but I don't know what it is.

I spend most of the time trying to escape from this feeling. I went out nearly daily, hang out with different but same circle of friends, watch movies after movies and turn pages after pages of books but still, the serious self-doubt will not leave me alone. It drives me mad because I fell helpless, not knowing to do anything. No matter how hard I told my life to get back on track, it just wouldn't. Ouh right, I was the one who is supposed to do that.

I'm trying to find meaning not to run away from this place, this job. I'm raking my brain, just trying to hold on to it. Maybe I do seriously need a break. Switch the phone off and run off somewhere without electrical appliances.I am just frigging-effing-tired.

I don't know how long this will go on but please, if anyone, any of you know the cure for this crisis, I would love to hear it.

P/S: if i can just find time to type the story that I so wanted to type since last year, it would really be a great help.

wednesday, 11 March 2009
A: so, the town that you lived in, was it an industrial town?
B: yes, it was
A: was daimler-chrysler based in your town
B: no, but audi is. our town is called 'bandar planet' for other towns. you know right?

I put a totally blank face

B: ouh, you didn't learn it before?
A: omg, you make me feel like a bimbo
(whines for half a minute)
A: wait, you mean bandar satelit not bandar planet right?

B laughed enthusiastically. B actually had the audacity to tell me that I didn't actually learn about it. helloooo...it's geography of course i studied it before.

but that didn't stop me laughing. it just slipped out of my mouth. i didn't intend to laugh at B like that but bandar planet? what? that is like so frigging alien.

darn it. i have to go back. i'm like so effing sleepy. got to go back and continue john tucker must die

i actually typed something based on the change of the headline but no, it didn't come out. maybe it was a sign from god not to hate John Tucker. will i follow it? you wish and keep on wishing. i hate john tucker like i hate my mobile phone during work. yes, a love hate relationship.

so, it's settled that:
Zill will now be known as Carrie, the brainy-blonde
Azu-rin will be Kate, the new hot girl
while I am Heather.

Well Zill @ Casey wanted to be Beth (Sophia Bush) but in the end nobody got the chance to be one because it's useless to fight.

and this will be one of the silly things we do. who's john tucker? well..it's for the three of us to keep a secret and no one will find out.

Carrie, I didn't manage to smile to anyone yesterday. People looked at the wall instead of looking at me.

On another development:
I pissed somebody off I think. I was the one who was pissed off at first but it ended up being him who got pissed off. Weird huh?

But I'm still pissed. Hate is a very strong word. Let's make it fun and never find a word for this tiny, blinding, flash of hot anger near the heart. Deal?

report: end of working day 1

i failed with grandeur. i smiled to my sandals and failed to smile at two girls walking from their toilet to their respective offices.

Carey, plis lempang sekali mcm kamu lempang Jane (Katherine Heighl)

i'm smiling and still smiling. afterall, i had the best companions with me who will always always support me, regardless whatever may befall on me. i'm so very glad that i meet them.

through laughter and tears, through thick and thin.

wah, berfilosofi gitoo. akak ni kenape kak? dah buang tebiat eh?
jawapan: akak under influence ubat batuk. bukan beli punye okeh? doktor kasik

i'm still coughing and its going to be 2 weeks tomorrow. i secretly think that i'm allergic to smoke as in cigarette smoke. someone alleged that i lied when i accompanied that person for a cigarette break. hey, i was ok five years ago. how was i to know i suddenly developed this allergy? ok maybe i was allergic to all the memories. there's a lot of maybes and i can go on and on and on about it. maybes that are particularly linked to the thing that happened five years ago.

another note: i have Casey in my life. the casey as in 27 Dresses Casey who will slap me back to reality. the Casey who is practical, down-to-earth, thoughtful, funny, caring, realistic and ever resourceful casey. of course, the name will be zill but she slapped me back to reality that i have the urge to call her casey starting yesterday. i mean, she 'slapped' me, not quite literally.

and we settled on the part where this is a lesson to make me a much better person. to practise patience as well as all the things that we learnt through the alchemist. so far so good. i don't really think the self-destructing period will be so much needed.

and i have a new mission, thanks to Casey. the new mission is smile. be nice and smile. be approachable and smile. Casey said smile to everyone. well, i only have the capacity to be nice to at most five person per day (i expect Casey to comment on this. wheee!) maybe not five. omg, i never realise that smiling is a chore. at this point yes, i realise that smiling is not easy for me. like a friend said, org mesia mmg tak peramah melainkan dengan org luar je. darn it, i'm not even nice to foreigners *cries.

ah, lunch break is over in a few minutes. got to make the trip upstairs (and hopes that someone will...nevermind). am looking forward to meet Casey today. Mrs Bloomwood tomorrow and dear girlfriend on Thurs. wow. bilenye ko nak beli tiket pegi penang ni? ishk

waktu: 6.40 pagi
tempat kejadian: dapur umah sendiri

atok: ko cukup rehat ke
saya: cukup *gosok-gosok mate. baru bangun la katekan
atok: ko balik pukol 11, bangun pukul 6 pg
saya masih terpisat-pisat
atok: ada tempat rehat ke kat sana? cukup ke rehat

ok fineeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i get it. i tak dating dah pasneh

this is the part when i'm lost for words
when i'm not feeling it
the word flows like a river
but this time around
i am at lost
mr A-Z, can you lend me your wordplay?
ok, obviously merepek

21 February 2009
i marked it on the calendar and was even giddy to the thought of waking up to see the two wackiest babes
ha-di ha
it was in fact the best day for last week
(seriously azu-rin, i know you are reading this. dating padalecki is not even close compared to hanging out with you guys)
we did go climbing the mountainous MMU
i can't believe it was so different now
and we took some pictures because we apparently were not as 'gila' as we used to be
if not, we will be taking tonnes of pictures
there were 'memutar kenangan' moments sambil makan fish and chip yang agak best but not quite there yet
and looking at the sakura in front of the library is bliss
well not really sakura but what the heck.

and we turned alamanda into hyde park for 5 mins
hyde park la sangat
tajam ooo rumput die
sebelum tu bertemu konsep bali (siries aku mcm tokleh tahan ok tang ni. tapi terlampau sensitip dan mampu menyebabkan pembunuhan jika diterangkan di sini)

i just want to say thank you so much to azu-rin and zill
you made my day
for the whole week at least
azu-rin for the 'konsep bali' and zila for the medicine
you should submit the suggestion to include that minuman kulit rambutan dalam fear factor
bole kite menang sesame
ok i broke my back sitting on this chair (bukan brokeback mountain)
and thus, i would like to say tata

mood: putar kenangan mode. the 'other' kenangan obviously *blushes

It's noon and I'm still massaging my pounding headache over the hangover that was never there. With two tall glass of Nescafe. And I do think that I need another one.

The past few weeks have been like a roller-coaster journey. Discovering someone who is so similar and so alike was both unnerving and exciting, dizzying and fun. Despite the fact that we started on an extremely rocky boat, we managed to pull it off nicely. Sufficient to say that I've never had this much fun for an extremely long time.

I first thought it was just me that managed to get along with a friend really well. And then things started to unfold and I realized that we are alike. Not in terms of having many things in common but we have the same habit, we believe in the same philosophy and we like talking about facts. Put aside the love for books, music and movies, it's not difficult to enjoy yourself when you are with your twin. Ouh yes, I think I've found my twin. Which is great, despite the random scariness it bring once in a while.

It's also good to know that the other party was having fun. The biggest compliment will be 'you are fun to be with'. Believe me friend, the feeling is mutual.

But I do think fun is good in small doses. I feel drained right now and God knows why when I need all the energy I can muster in a day. Of course I crave for fun but too much of something is never good. We tend to lose track of time when we start opening our mouths and that can seriously lead to late nights, which is equivalent to disaster.

I think I need to take charge of my life right now. I know this feels good and it's good to feel good (ok, I'm talking in riddles) but I think I have to put a brake somewhere. God, give me strength to resist touching my phone at 5pm. I can resist everything except temptation (Oscar Wilde).

I'm tired, I feel drained and I can't stop coughing. Which is so totally uncool.

Crap, I have to check if I've passed my virus to my twin.

my body is sore, from the waist down. but not to the point of having to apply for MC, thank God. must be from the excessive sitting while watching fishes in the aquarium yesterday. we sat there doing nothing but looked at all the different species swimming, to the point i feel like nodding off. but luckily it didn't happen.

it's actually very unnerving to meet another you who has the same thoughts, wishes and dreams. seriously. i never thought it will happen or i will meet the other twin but it actually happened. the more i got to know this friend, the more i tend to be surprised. a joke that turned out to be too real.

i have no idea whether it is a blessing or something that i should be worried upon.

Ok, monday has just come to an end (in terms of office hours). i'm having sore throat and my feet are like leads. need to go back ASAP because i don't trust my legs anymore

i hate ships, vessel, ship building, conversion, chartering. but not really. darn it. love-hate relationship di tengahari yang kames.

it's either i have been awfully busy or awfully lazy to type something this whole time. i don't know which but it doesn't matter. life's good, missing SOPOP like nobody's business. I haven't seen Zill for two weeks and it feels like losing an arm. And I haven't talked to si comel yg mempunyai toshi for like two weeks and i'm losing my ten-hour sleep. now, i sleep like 6 hours daily. result? i have panda eyes.

Speaking of panda, i was approached by the representatives from WWF on tuesday in MV. I was there with a friend who wanted to pick up lenses. I was already not in a good state on that day and the pouring rain didn't help. it was already 9pm and i oh-so wish to get sugar high that day that i don't see the point of stopping for two-minutes to hear about WWF. i even offered my card for her to give a call because i was rushing at that time. maybe she didn't realize that i looked bored and sumpah-penat-gile-lps-balik-keje. i refused to stop and now i'm said to be panda-hater. whatever panda-lover. you are killing the bamboos by purchasing bamboo-based socks.

zill said that i'm anthony bourdain in the blog and can be jerry seinfield when i talk to someone one-on-one. well, it's an honour because i like anthony bourdain. ok fine, i'm weird.

az-u-rin was asking when is the next road-trip going to happen. i can't wait, really. destination? i have no idea. and we have like two weeks to plan. this saturday has been totally ruled out. it's valentine's day and it is going to be packed. no, i have nothing against it because i'm committed to being single. it's just that it would be a mad rush out there. and going on a road trip on sunday may not be a good idea because energy recharging time for monday's blue may not be sufficient.

so, i don't know babes. suggest a time and i will free my schedule. for both of you, anything i will.

other than that, again, life has its own miracles. my heart is still in penang with the small boy but i think it will get better over time. other than that, i'm just going with the flow. what's the point of agonizing over things you can't control when the thing you should be controlling is yourself?

reading: angels and demons (for the preparation of the coming soon movie)

i'm finally up, like really seriously up
i slept like two hours in the train (note to self: next time try to get the one with bed) and had to wait at the train station like an hour
charming and fun (and that's sarcasm)
but the idea of getting out of KL excites me so much so that i did like quite a number of mistakes
i typed railway construction instead of road (org tau la kan ko naik ketapi)

and exactly on this date a lot of people called and some wanted to meet
the time when i forgot to bring my charger here
darn it

but one thing that strikes me the most is the fact that i'm still an impulsive person who does the thing that pops onto her mind instantly
the one who'll wake up and decide 'i want to be in seremban today)
it was kind of cool and creepy in a way

speaking of creepy
i think i've found my twin
like we believe in the same philosophy
our moles are nearly the same
it's almost frightening
ok i'm babbling

my cousin wants to walk around the village
not that i don't want to but its 2pm
panas weih

so, i need to get my ass off this table (thanks cousin for the internet)
i think i should search for food

so long people
have a happy weekend
i know i will
my mom and i are rating and commenting on the ghost story on Astro

it almost felt like a sickness and addiction mixed in one concoction
and the feelings come in rushes that it became unstoppable and left me bewildered

darn it
life can be fun and thrilling
it also can be near killing

but i thank God for this
because it will eventually make me be stronger
let's keep our hopes high

my throat is papery
due to the ice-blended drink race
i had brain freeze

it was good clean fun
i can't remember the last time i hang out with the younger ones
ok, i know that i do sound like i'm 48 now but in all honesty
it was really good fun

i'm still an insomniac
i hate this
it has nearly been more than two weeks
this shouldn't have happened

ok, i just found out that cousin is going for a camp
kem pengakap
i never thot i had that much influence on them when in true reality
they are greatly influenced
ok, got to behave and no hanky-panky
hihihi

ouh
i'm having stomachache
note to self: must not consume too much ice-cream
and must update comrades on news

talking about being spontaneous
ok it kind of feel nice
having someone to talk to

it was totally accidental
unplanned

but i just want to say thanks
for sharing a totally enjoyable two hours

thanks

I’m utterly, honestly terrified. I’m stuck with my story and I can’t move anywhere. The deadline is approaching and barring its fangs at me. Those yellow fangs dripping with blood. And yet, I have no idea on what I’m supposed to be doing.

And I have no idea what I should be doing on 31 January 2009. Maybe I should seriously be thinking about migrating for real now. I have no idea whether I should be reading a poetry, a story or just roll up into a ball and cry piteously on the stage. And I don’t know where I should seek help from. This is maddening.

There’s this thump! Thump! Near my ribs too. I’m concerned if my heart is just going to leap out of the ribcage. As if something good will happen but I don’t know what.

Peti ais. This is even harder than having to learn Morse code. Maybe I should come up with my own Morse code because I’ve been browsing my blog and I was unable to understand what I wrote in the past entries. What’s the whole point of writing if I was not able to look back and re-live the terrible doom?

I’m like so scared right now. I really cannot think straight. And I cannot concentrate, can’t find inspiration and so on and so forth. This is so difficult I just feel the need of throwing myself out of the window. Except mine has grills so I won’t be able to do it. Woman, you are rambling.

I should stop before it gets worse/ Fini

Let’s face it. I’m :
1. Not the brain of Malaysia, KL or anywhere on the map. I am thus, not a genius. I ask questions.

2. I’m not a mind reader. Mortal-to-mortal, I have the same limited ability like those of an average person. Not a person with Spidey-vision or Superman’s mind reading ability. If I ask a question, it would really honour me if the person can provide an answer. A black-and-white answer will be great. A ‘depends’ and ‘up to you’ will just make me fume and breathe fire.

3. Fine, I learnt that karma is for real. Silent treatment, please fly out of the window. I do not wish to use it again.

4. My idols range from Anthony Bourdain, Bill Bryson and Meg Cabot. Hence, I do sometimes have the tendency to copy their sarcastic remarks, which most of the time surprise me. If I ask whether you feel offended, it will make my day if you give a straight answer. Not ‘depends’.

5. I’m learning that ignorance is not bliss; it’s a recipe for disaster. I’m trying to learn new things and sometimes, I don’t even know me, let alone you. And I do believe that one of the ways to learn about things is through asking.

6. As a human, I sometimes forgot how to behave. Again, the same rule applies. If I ask, please answer me. And I would prefer an explanation that will really help me not to repeat mistakes. Don’t forget that to err is human (to forgive is absolutely divine)

7. I love sensitive people because they have empathy. They help ignorant people like me to notice little tiny, gritty, petty looking matters that can be amended and make someone’s day. It will be even nicer if the person don’t sulk on a … say, monthly or weekly basis. It drives me crazy and I feel somewhat like Ariel Sharon when they sulk. Never mind that Ariel Sharon might not even think he’s bad. I just feel like a bad person.

8. I don’t know how to pujuk others. As a friend nicely puts it, ‘ko pujuk orang macam ayam’.

9. I don’t read between the lines. I don’t even know how. I secretly think that my best friend is my personal secretary for reading the lines thingy. It will take me months, even years to realize what happened or was happening. Although you think I posed a question because I was trying to be cheeky and have just read between the lines; here’s news: I ask because I genuinely do not know what it means. And I’m always up for an explanation because I know things happen for a reason.

10. I communicate through words, understand things through words and analyze things through words. If you don’t supply this medium, don’t expect me to understand you immediately. I’m a bad bad judge of expressions.

my hands are clammy
in the morning
at noon
and Gosh!
they still do

what is this?

i'm having difficulties to sleep at night
and no appetite

what is happening to me?

Marry Me by Carey Marx (book review)
Caution: For those who are really ticklish and will laugh heartily at the mention of the word ‘funny’, please make sure that you have signed up for insurance programme(s) before proceeding to read the book.

The story is about a comedian trying to find a perfect wife in the span of six months. It’s a true story, with the author making himself as the most eligible person in the said during and advertising it during his gigs and also going through online dating sites.
His plan, which was called ‘Marry Me’. comes with a proposal for a book to be written hence the girls he dated knew what they were getting themselves into.
The writer sets off with dates after dates, email after email of potential brides along with other potential brides from his friends as well as girls offering themselves to marry him after his performances. He was in for a journey that he never thought he will enjoy and looked at the insights of people on the topic of dating and marriage. He met nutters, non-nutters, funny-hot-eligible women with dark sense of humour.
Before he knew it, it seems that everybody already labeled him as ‘the lad who wants to get married’. Some appear to be amused, concerned, cynical and some motivated him that he will be able to do it. Girls experienced emotional roller-coaster about what he does and he was also in the danger of losing his social life due to his mission. He was also said to be unethical to be doing so.
The author learnt a few things along the way; that romance is everyone, that he is romantic, what qualities he wants in his wife and learning to be better dressed. He organized a murder date and a party with zombies in a graveyard that were both funny in a creepy and dangerous kind of way. I mean, how many times do you come across a guy who really go all out to arrange a murder date when you saod an adventurous date will be interesting.
The book and proposal changed people’s perspective on marriage. A few of the 100-something girls he dated got engaged and even got married during the mission. People clap him on the back, admiring his work and he married his audience (which is like really funny I nearly barfed by brain out).
Marx included email correspondence he had with the girls (with their permission of course) and really witty and funny ones too.
The book is entertaining to see a guy going on a self-discovery mission at the age of 38 with the knowledge that the mission may or may not be fulfilled.
Did he get married anyways? Well, that was not the most important point in the book but the whole in the story, or the journey through the book was what I enjoyed most.

maybe it's the weather
maybe it's the heat
or it's the whatever that's there
but i'm having fever

not just fever
flu and sore throat in a package

resting at home?
not an option
finished all pending jobs
catch up with all the friends
breakfast
and will go on a meeting during lunch
a bliss?
more than that baybeh

pening off..ta

Well, hi 2009. Yes, I’m slow on the update nevertheless, Happy New Year!

Getting out of my comfort zone. Wow, that will be difficult. Of course, I thought it was not going to be. I thought that I how hard can it be going back to camping, eating cheap stuff and skip the malls? It takes a lot, seriously a lot.

My first test was, avoid the fast food.

For nearly a whole month, I was able to avoid the fast food outlets that serve food rich with trans-fat. Until the fateful day that my cousin bought pizza to celebrate his first paycheck. What do you expect from a true Malaysian? Say no? you must be kidding. Free food are good food. But I managed to eat just half of the slice. Just enough to signal “ Thanks for the treat.” I’m now ready to resume my whole cycle of avoiding the fast food after consuming whole big chunk of burger this morning. If I keep this up, I will resort to wearing raincoats (which is to conceal all the fat around my waist) in no time! What a comforting though (yeah right).

IMHO, I have always thought that it was extremely easy to have access to fast food when in reality it’s too expensive and eats up most of my expenses monthly. What my friend and I are going to do (we believe the word ‘try’ does not exist) is to avoid the fast food outlets, eat at the food court or buy pastry. Not from fancy pastry houses like BreadTalk or the sort. Something more cheaper. See if we can really survive it.

As far as the small trips are concerned, we are looking at some parks at the moment. Of course, we be having picnic there, eating home=made sandwiches and stuff. And my dear friend has perfected the art of making really good garlic bread (yeayness for that).

I think the biggest challenge this week was to refrain from buying any books for myself. I went out a few times to get some revision books for my baby cousin and it took all my strength not to buy the cheap bargain corner book (1 book for RM9) and not to give in to temptation to just buy the French language course. It really takes a lot. Seriously.

I’m embracing another week and this week challenge is to just wish my expanding waist away. I wish I can do that. Ugh. So, have a happy day ahead. I know we all will.

“Start by starting” – Meryl Streep

Alter ego speaks

When the Internet goes off..when the Internet goes off

..Ucu goes crazy (this is Ash, not Ucu). I swear pimples took over her face in less than five minutes. Its like there wa a pimple party on her face or something. I saw one shaped like a carousel on her face. Yeah I know, I am looking for trouble but I just can't help it. Ucu was being pretty acidic the whole of last week. Going home late (as if its new) and going home with a pulsating vein at the side of her head that looks as if its going to explode any second.

That woman, is a serious case of Internet addict.

Her waists increased by a few inches because she can't get on the Internet the whole week. She just keep popping food into her mouth as if its some kind of pop corn, except they are more fattening. And then I can imagine her grumbling of not finding her size. I mean, who the hell wears a size 12/ 14?

Where was I? Ouh yeah. She actually woke up in the morning listening some loud, noisy and crazy kind of song. Apart from her disastrous wardrobe, she has terrible taste for songs too. I mean, Frank Sinatra? Is she like 95 or something? Euw. And she was like really grumpy, huffing and puffing whenever she was not munching. Remember chipmunk? When they have nuts in their cheeks and non-stop munching? That was Ucu last week. All because the Internet was down. She just can't get over it. She carried this slogan 'All food are comfort food' and just give me that Linda Blair look when I said there's more to life and suggested something about cruising the malls. Ouch.

And cracked jokes like 'I feel like throwing my shoes at the ISP' and went off laughing like a hyena with her side kick. OK, its funny but the way they laughed at is was equivalent to an internationally known joke that I do not know off. What's up with the joke anyways? I'm sure its not important or I might have saw it on TV. When I asked her, she said something like 'Having your blonde moment eh?' What is wrong with her? I am blonde so every single moment is a blonde moment. What was she trying to imply?

She even got up as early as 4am to check email on her phone. No wonder she was forever sleepy in the morning. Like, she can actually wake up just to wait for the page to load and stuff. When I asked, she said it was something about Kapasitor being featured for Youth 09. What is this Kapasitor really? That thing really got hold on her. It's like, she can't get away from it. Come on, who waits an email for some event. I'd rather wait for an email from the hot looking guy next door. Not that Ucu realizes however. She's like totally oblivious to that kind of stuff and walks on such a straight line that she doesn't care what happens around her. Not like she need to. I'd bury myself if I have her fashion sense, her song taste and her movie list. Don't get me started on hobbies. She's a bookworm, actually love board games and loves to sleep. I can agree on the latter but definitely not the other two.

And she forces me and reminds me of the Youth 09 almost daily. It's like nearly two weeks away but she just can't get over it saying that it's a way to network and stuff. Miss, I network with those hot looking 30-ish guys with think wallets. I think youths are fun but I'm not into those Foosball, Basketball Challenge, Caged futsal and stuff. Thanks but no thanks. I exercise when I shop only. Maybe if I have the time, I will check it out here.

Ouh I can sense her coming. Better log off the system before she breathes fire. Ciao~

Hi, this is Ash speaking. No, I don't know why I logged onto ucu's id. Seriously, that woman put something on her computer that the first thing I saw when I opened her IE, is this page, kapasitor.net. What do you guys have here? I see like tons of letters. Have I landed on the Planet of Geeks?

OK, never mind that. You see, I have a terrible problem. I was just going to get ucu but she's nowhere to be seen. Must be cracking some intelligent jokes with V. I don't understand what she means by 'Corporate violence' when her colleague was hacking at another male colleague. Like corporate violence? And when I asked her, she stared at me like I'm such a bimbo and said 'How can you be so blonde and survived all this?'. I just don't get her. I'm just blonde and there's no 'so blonde'. That crazy lady.

Where was I? Oh yeah, money issues.

God, I don't know who I should ask favor from. I'm in desperate need for money. Ucu is wearing her horrible shirts again. That woman needs help. And I saw Padini having sales for the whole week and everytime I pulled her to the shop, she just glared and walk ahead. I mean, does she even revamp her wardrobe? She doesn't even wear decent T-shirts. All those plain T-shirts, so boring, dull and so her. Why waste all the sparkle and glamour when we can have it all? Come on, you've got it, you flaunt it.

Dear me, I'm such a chatterbox. I'm just trying to raise money here. I need to get at least the polo shirts that they are selling. Ucu has to get at least two of it. No, maybe just one and I will have three. But point being is, I need her to wear something that is not so T-shirt bundle. She embarasses me. Like hello, I have to refrain from walking 2km away from her. And she complains that she is still single. With her fashion sense, of course she'll be single.

Oh my God, where is this woman? I need her purse. Must be eating lunch. I told her repeatedly that she has to don her love handles, she looks like a walrus walking on her toes already. An almond during lunch is enough and she has to puke all night long.

Back to the subject, I need like a few bucks from you guys, RM2 the most. Have mercy on her, she needs help. Polo shirts for a start will do. Just take this as a charity, Malaysians are kind.

RM2 will do, from each of you guys. Have mercy on her. Maybe you can get her one. She's wearing size 14. can you imagine? 14? And she claims that she wants to wear something that is comfy. She's just fat but she won't admit it. And I wear size 3.

RM2 please. But more will be welcomed.

I recently found out that a friend reads this piece of worthless crap to know what is going on with me. because we happen to have the worst timing when it comes to receiving updates so blog is just another way of communicating.

I still cannot warm up to the idea that I'm the administrator of Kapasitor.net. Everytime I want to ask favor from people, I will hesitate. Takot ok.

Hum, another weird comment on one of my posts. Weirdness rules I think

I received the answer and I was not accepted. well, well, I gave it a first shot and it seems that they are really pretty strict in it. At first, I thought I don't care when then realization hit me and I realized that I actually care. Weird huh?

Somehow I feel shattered inside and I feel pressured to continue it as soon as possible. I don't know why, I just feel that I need to.

Yesterday didn't start quite good. Kene kacau dengan rempit, spoilt my mood. Then, caught totally unprepared, I had to get on the new system6. And I accidentally pressed Ctrl+W when I was doing my work and wheee!!! it closed down. I had to retype again. Adoi. And I was clearly lagging behind. Somehow the stories were quite lengthy and I cannot understand it. Maybe there's something that keeps bugging me that I failed to concentrate. Yah, too much thing to do yet so little time to complete it all. My knitting needs to be completed and I need to get some help to sambung the benang and all. The shawl looks quite hideous right now, standed la orang baru belajar. Budak-budak pon belajar ABC dulu kan? Haha, sounds like me trying to sedapkan hati sendiri.

I seriously was itching to finish it this weeked that I forgot to sew the skull that I completed on my shirt. Shud make a post note or something and stamp it on the wall, maybe.

And today I forgot to bring my tag. Had to pinjam tag from others. I don't really mind that but it will cause serious problem when I need to go back today. Of course, I usually go back at 7 something and by then, the guards will not be there and stuff. I either have to wait for the others to go back (by then I'd be too letih) or go back very very early. The latter option looks pretty good but then it will result in me lagging in my job again. How I wish it is the time for company results. Keep on dreaming you. The fourth quarter hasn't ended yet.

I'm just having quilty-conscious for eating like-I-don't-care for these past few days so been trying to cut food intake. Thus, not eating the food I have in my bag right now. I can feel the double chin and the wobble-wobble near my waist. Darn, I hate this feeling.

I have to stop the bugging question that I have right now. Because I know sooner or later I will have to ask the person but I'm just keen on delaying things. What am I trying to achieve;; I still don't know. I guess I like being in control that I cannot get over the fact that asking and taking the outcome will result in me losing all the total control that I had to have. You power-crazy insatiable mad woman.

The lunch is about to be over in a few minutes. The cakes I brought are nearly finished (I had to bring it to the office because I will end up eating it all the way so I might as well get someone to get fat with me. Cool idea huh?)

To azurin, if you don't mind, I want to listen whatever you want to tell ok? Just don't keep it inside

Sincerely yours,
Deranged, angry, fat woman

Rhino, the hamster. i love Rhino. Rhino kinds of remind me of me. With the bulging cheeks and all. I heart Rhino.

Somewhat like A Truman Show except this is in cartoon offering. Bolt was a dog, rescued by Penny from the pound and later became a TV-star (except he didn't know it then). Everything was going alrite when one day, the production was forced to turn the story around as survey found that viewers were unhappy about the story.

Taunting by two cats finally led the way for Bolt to escape and things became funny from that point on. Bolt discovered he can't stare padlocks into dust, can't do a Super Bark and it bleeds. It was all first experience and finally having to live as a real dog.

Penny longed for Bolt while Bolt was across the country making friends with Mitten and Rhino, learnt how to beg and finally realised that it really a TV star. Bolt wasn't able to rescue Penny as all the past experiences were just a production but in the end,it did actually saved Penny from a fire created by the replacement of Bolt.

The ever-blur pigeons were entertaining and were so lifelike, I was just mesmerized by it. And Rhino couldn't get any cuter. Seriously, I feel like I just want to reach out and hug it. Or squeeze it. Whatever. Grr!

The story is entertaining and my cousins love it, that is the most important point. I still couldn't get used to the idea of wearing an extra glass apart from the one existing on the bridge of my nose. Maybe I should support the call for 3-D display (the one that does not use 3-D glass but then the viewing angle will be limited and the seating will highly depend on an individual. Don't know if they can improve it over time. Btw, I did the topic on stereoscopic displayfor my FYP).

Looking to have a moment of peace with small kids? Try this one. Highly recommendable.

I'm extremely happy today. Despite the fact that I missed the first bus, was nearly late for work as well as having to redo an article because of misinterpretation, I feel happy, blessed.Ouh, and water dripped on my tudung on Monorail, which was driven by a Hamilton-wannabe.

This morning I woke up to a very loud Lagu Raya. Like seriously loud that the moment I opened my eyes, I was like 'Wow, it's raya already?'. You can't blame me, my body just started functioning and the day was cool and what not. I laughed to myself, such funny people putting on the lagu raya (There are people who had their kedai potong ayam in front of my house so it must be the uncle and his kids. Cool huh?).

I remembered today is Isetan's 3-day Members Day Sale! I remember buying RM400 worth of things and paying just RM100++ in May 2008 and the time has come again. What a bargain. Basically slacks and really good ones that you can't get for RM45++ normally. And plus...I'm meeting sha. Nothing beats a good girl-gossip. I can imagine me dragging her to some shop and have hot chocolate. That will be just great huh? It's like an advanced birthday.

And I had fun at work. Yes, you read it right. Fun at the office because I found a Smurf today. A she-smurf. She work white pants and blue top. Too bad since we have been reminiscing about cartoons all week. Check out this conversation with one of my colleagues

L: Why do you have to post this post it on the paper? Can just write with a pencil before coming to ask me about this article.
Me (feigning panic): Omg, I have wasted a tree
L: Yes, you have
Me: And a shocking pink paper
L: Yes, you just did. Now, shocking-pink people will be mad at you. The shocking-pink people, arch enemy of Smurfs.

I'd never thought I'll be having that kind of conversation like that at the office. And he's like 30++. Such fun environment.

And then after lunch, we had this screening of Justin and Beyonce's dancing on the computer screen. Ah bliss. As well as having a Christmas tree in front of the office. Wonder who will give me the present this year.

And I have been smiling all day thinking about certain someone (insert either Jared Padalecki, Josh Hartnett, Alex Kopranos, Matthew Gray Gubler or Damian Kulash Jr here).

I seriously do not know why I write this. I just feel blessed and would love to just focus on the positive things. I feel blessed. What about you?


P/S: I don't know whether to go watch Bolt or not. Afraid it will sold out tomorrow but haven't got time to rush to Pavilion.

it's kind of annoying to be on such shaky ground. i'm still contemplating, pausing to contemplate and continue to contemplate.

why is it so hard? i think it was there but then again, was it there?

i know, i'm having this whole, big, gargantuan fort i build every day. sheesh.. i know i can't see it but it's there.

life is great, never been better. but these few days (not really few, i know for sure it has been for a few weeks), i found myself staring into space. like seriously. i missed my floor a few times in these past week (i hope you are happy reading this elle). i didn't even stop thinking about it. refreshing and looking back for the traces that the person left. which as far as i can see, traceable up to 2005. the power of electric document, i hear you say.

i don't know when this will end. usually i will be penning tons of flowery poem on my bed, in my room, in my baby cousin's room, on the floor...everywhere but i lost the will to do so now. i keep mum and think. seriously thinking. unnerving this is, i haven't been able to find the end to it yet. very frustrating.

it doesn't feel like a phase. darn, is it time to seriously thinking about this? *yawns

OK, first thought I had when I saw the title was 'A parody of You've Got Mail or a movie title of the sort is it?'. But heck, the book was so cheap so I grabbed it as soon as I see it. Thi hi hi. OK fine, this is the first book that i finished from all the books that I bought during the book clearance sale.

Hats off to Donna Andrews, it was really out of the ordinary. Well, the book was published back in 2003 and get this right; the main character is a computer! There's no love involved just the computer trying to save its creator from being depopulated.

Turing Hopper (yes, taken from Alan Turing) was an Artifical interlligence Personality (AIP) In Universal Library. Well, it isn't a library but a corporation providing It services and stuff. Turing responded to people based on their personality so no one can have the same response from Turing and she (the creator called it she) became an adjective. People responded to it like 'I'm doing Tur this afternoon' and the like. Cool huh? It's like having a friend online but instead of having someone behind the screen, we are actually talking to a machine that never sleeps, never bore us and will not be able to be tired of us.

Wait, then it turned. Turing actually became sentient and develop human-like senses. When Zack, it's creator went missing, it actually realised that it was concerned; a feeling so alien to it that it realised 'I'm sentient'. The journey started from there with Turing trying to pry into the UL's secret to find out where is Zack and does Zack's disappearance have anything to do with his friend's death.

Turing had to rely to two humans called Tim Pocinscki and Maude Graham because despite the fact that it can retrieve information around the globe, pulling and prying into information that wasn't even hers, clearing Tim's credit card debt and such, Turing was immobile. A middle-aged Maude helped Turing with its speech-recognition and then came the part when Turing downloaded itself into a robot in search for Zack who Tim found but does not wish to come back to UL. Apparently, he knows that someone or some people are looking for him.

A page-turner, engaging, emebedded with computer terms but undertandable enough for a computer illiterate for me. The plot is catching and it's amazing to see all the AIPs getting and thinking together. A nice change indeed and highly recommendable.

I built a fortress
no, build a fortress
to protect my feelings
to protect from being hurt.

I'm opening a gate
but once I sensed that someone is going to wrech my heart off my chest
throw it on the hot asphalt
and tramp on it
I'll shut it.

I'm ready to accept but I'm so fragile that one shaky statement, will send me scrambling to shut the gate, chase everyone out and stay cold. scary huh?

From My Desk : The Kind of Love That I Want

I remember watching A Lot Like Love, What Happened in Vegas and 27 Dresses and actually wanting to meet a love like those in the movies. It started out from friendship (except A Lot Like Love) and turned out to something special. I actually do hope that I meet that someone from the circle of my friends (ah kantoi). Well, I'm obviously not getting younger and dating? Hurm..

Anyways, this morning, I got hopped on the bus again (like I have done so for the past one year and yeayness! It's my one-year anniversary of working here *throws one thousand zillion confetti) where was I? Ok right. It was a very bumpy journey, you know how it was at 8am. Yes, I do go at work at 8 am, taking my own sweet time, siap bole beli that hot steamy pau for breakfast. And I saw this aged couple. They look pretty similar, which is what people always say, if your features is the same with your partner, InsyaAllah sejuk rumah tangga. Plus minus, they will be around 70 or even more but seriously, they are not frail.

I looked at them and wonder, they look so at ease together, will I be able to create a relationship like that? Without words, they seem to understand each other, just through their body language. And when they went down the bus, that's when I felt as if I was about to cry: the grandmother held the grandfathers' hand to cross the street. She's obviously younger than the grandfather but that aside, I think to myself, can I take care of another person like that? Will I be able to push aside my needs, selfishness to guide this person to cross the roads when the road was so full of people heading for work and the lights were blinking like mad? Will I have the patience of not pulling the other person's hand, to ask him to walk faster? Can I do that? Will I be able to change myself and tolerate that person?

I realize now that's what I want. I want to grow old with the person, not just living and being with him for a mere few years. I want to have backaches, quarrels, difficulties with the person, not just the shiny and beautiful things. I want to go through all the trouble, crossing the road, fall down, pick ourselves up and laughing, I know that what I want.

Crap. I have tears in my eyes.

If I were to call you 'Si Jahat' three or four times daily
Does that mean I love you?

If I were to hide your car keys
Just to see the worried look on your face
Does that mean I love you?

If I were to miscall you three to four times each night
Just to make you mad
Does that mean I love you?

If I were to pretend that I lost your favorite book
Just to spend some time together searching for it
Does that mean I love you?

If you were to remember my favorite food
drink, book, TV shows
Does that show you love me?

If you were to taunt me by saying
"I'm flying!"
"I get to go to Champs-Elysse earlier than you"
Just to annoy me and drive me to near tears
Does that show you love me?

If you were to call me in the wee hours
Just because you want to say
"Hahahaha..you sound so disoriented"
And put down the phone
Does that show you love me?

If I were to get you your favorite CD
And you get me my favorite Roald Dahl series
Does that mean we have a deep understanding of each other?
and most importantly
Does that mean that I love you?
Does that mean you love me?

Would You Give your Seat on The LRT?

I prefer to cuci mate gawking at the guys. That's what I do every day. Like I have been reading articles after articles for eight straight hours so why not 'relax' a bit right? Fine, I have nothing to do.

It's not really difficult to see and filter the guys that went on the LRT. On lots of occasions, I was able to detect cute looking guys (For display purposes only) but most of the times I was disappointed.

Remember the ad on Adlin going on an LRT? Yeah, I think the guys using the LRT do watch it except they don't learn from in, they actually copied what Adlin did. On numerous occasions, the guys, who are wearing ironed shirts, shiny shoes and young, seem to care about no one except them. On many uncountable occasions, I see the ladies actually gave their seats to pregnant women, the elderly and those carrying heavy things. Of course, I can always pretend I'm pregnant. No, kidding.

In my honest opinion (IMHO), if a guy who's healthy cannot give his seat to someone who may need it, I seriously doubt their ability to raise a family. The very simple act of getting up to give the luxury to someone, shows the values instilled in them. And by not getting up when a clearly very pregnant lady is standing right in front of you, is outright selfish. I'm not talking of those who coughed or having fever or anything like that, I'm talking about a guy who's clearly healthy. Wait, they might be pregnant like Thomas Beatie.

I'm just disappointed. It shows that we cannot judge people because most of the time when a guy gets up to give their seats to people who need it, it will be someone who you might call 'plain' looking. Those with ties, executive bags, shiny, branded shoes, will just ignore them and pretend to sleep. I even saw an elderly man got up to give a pregnant lady his seat because a guy won't get up. And she's not 4 months pregnant, she looks really pregnant and tired. Don't people have sympathy? What is wrong with the world?

I once saw a programme where they interviewed a lady and she said 'I don't want to give my seat because they will not say thanks' (buat ape nak bagi seat saya. kalau saya kasi pun derang tak ckp apa-apa). OK, I don't want to comment on her words but have she ever tried giving her seat? What I heard constantly was people saying 'Thank you very much'. They patted you to say their thanks and I even heard a lady saying 'Ouh thank you very much. She (the girl giving her the seat) have to suffer because of me'. Those words, nearly made me cry.

I just couldn't understand it. Are these people going to become leaders in the future? Are they going to be CEOs, CFOs, ambassadors and such? God, I'm terrified with the future. I seriously don't intend to be biased but seriously, that's what I see every single time. Those pakai smart-smart just would not get up. And I even saw the same faces doing it over and over again.

I'm not saying that I'm good but maybe we can start from now. Maybe we can sit and niat that,' I'm saving this seat for someone who needs it. When he or she boards the train, I will get up'. The amount of people needing the seat in every train is unbelievable.

It's the nature of the people to forget and need to be reminded continuously. So, let's us remind ourselves that What Goes Around Comes Around. Today, we are young and soon, we will be wizened. If today we don't care about the elderly, what makes us thing that tomorrow, the young ones will remember us?

The Alchemist

I know I was just supposed to be watching Madagasar yesterday and head straight home. Instead, I bought a few things that I know I shouldn't be buying it. This must be the months that I spent so much. Nevertheless, I'm happy to be able to go to PayLessBook clearance stock sale!

A book caught my eye and I was supposed to buy it and give it to Zill (it costs like RM3 so what the heck). I thought when she said the book was good, it was just good but no, it was tremendously brilliant. Paulo Coelho was definitely brilliant because he managed to talk about Law of Attraction and all the motivational stuff without boring people to death. No wonder someone who barely read books, seemed unable to be detached from the copy.

The story was about a boy who dreamt about going to Egypt and discovering the treasure there. He went to an old lady to get the dream interpreted and soon found homself talking to a King of Salem, being robbed in the market and soon found himself falling in love with Fatima in the middle of the desert. OK, the story was interesting but not as interesting on what we would find in the book itself.

The Alchemist talked about Personal Legends, of what people want to be and what they do to achieve it. It said that when we were small, we know what we want and work towards it. And then as we grow older, we then forget our Personal Legends. We make ways for things that are not important and then one day, we wake up and think 'Ouh it's too late. I can't turn back time'. It's never too late to pursue our dreams.

The reason why we delay things is we think about money to much. What we fail to see is the 'Law of Attraction" never fails. When we think about good things, we will attract good things. And good omens or good signs must not be ignored. It must be seen but of course, we are busy and focus on little unimportant things. The book sayid that things always happen for a reason and it shouldn't be ignored.

Another thing about 'maktub' or it's written. If we were to die today or tomorrow, we shouldn't be sad or afraid because it's written. Everyday is a good day to die.

The alchemist is not a very thick book. But that doesn't mean that it could not convey all the important things because at the end of the day, the simplest thing should not be conveyed in a long winding way.

I personally believe that the book can also become a motivational book. In fact, the language used was so simple hat it can be such a very good motivational material.

I can just say it's a veru good book. It opens up our eyes and make us realise about lots of thing. The ending was not so important. It's the knowledge picked while reading the book that made it so important.

i'm just happy not knowing
because assumptions will just wreck everything
and i refuse to think about it

i love to take it as everything is per normal
nothing is wrong and everything is good

ok fine

i have commitment issues
interested to provide help?
pro bono perhaps?

:D

yeah..it's matters of the heart

(Ketenangan di dalam kesengsaraan. What?)

Well, if you are looking for solace for your weekends, let's just say, forget it. There's no solace in this whatsoever and you can't seem to find romacen either. Well, there's a fling of course but that's just it.

Driven by pain due to Vesper's death, Bond ventures and try to find the person that made him lose Vesper. The shocking thing was, M's right hand turned to be to double-face agent. Quite a big shock to M. The perfect, little Mr Know-It-All was now portrayed as someone more human; blinded by white hote rage, been said to be the person behind all killings and had his job suspended. But of course, being Bond, he can eventually crawl out of the deep plunging hole of habislah-aku.

The scene started out with car chase (nice Alfa Romeo, what a waste) and proceeded to show Bond as an agent that cannot be controlled and even M had problems to tie him down. The story slowly unfolds and nice to see bond in somewhat like a shirt, killing people ruthlessly. I had to hand it down to Daniel Craig for still being able to appear so frigging hot even though pakai seluar senteng. I mean, how many people can actually pull that?

There was no solace in the film, unless you were looking for a place to run from cliche lines and unnecessary mumblings. Be prepared for action because like M said,'you are not able to differentiate between friends and enemies'.

The film touched a bit on environmental issues and how some people use the issue to manipulate the situation in order to gain profit. People are dying and the vilain, Greene, reaped the profit. But don't worry, his death was tragic as well as a little funny. Karma happens you know.

Bond cannot seem to forgive himself or even forget Vesper. It was nice to see the playboy to actually being able to have affection for other people.

The story never fell sort of my expectation. Seriously, I never watched the one Pierce Brosnan starred because I thought he had a little too pretty face. I wasn't even considering to watch the series, not until Craig came into the picture last two years. If you happen to be the fan of Ian Flemming, well, this story, which was actually based on one of his titles (Another Day To Die), what a bummer because it didn't follow the story line.

I had to hand it to Craig for carrying the character so well. He may not be gorgeously good looking (but I like) but he had the charisma (double likey!). And yes! there was no 'My name is Bond. James Bond' line. That was really a nice change.

If you are planning to go for an action-packed movie, I really suggest this one.

Rating: Like a chocolate doughnut covered with rich-creamy strawberry filling. With a tall glass of coffee. Whichever way you like it.

Worth the money.

Are there Any Other Topics In the World
..apart from marriage? God, I'm going bonkers. Mom never actually asked about marriage and now she keeps on asking, throwing, showing and banging hints on my head. Every single day. I nearly puked on the topic.

I was oblivious to the fact that my family was actually concerned of me bergayut tgh malam with by best buddies. And they are girls. Seriously they are girls. And in turn, my friends' mothers will be concerned of them talking to me.

And whenever I go out, there'll be enough speculation to turn the country upside down. Like seriously. I'm not attending those classes for Lesson 101: How to Con Filthy Rich People (if there ever is). I usually meet up friends, gossip, walk, gossip, eat and gossip. Occasional movie watching of course. And they were seriously concerned. Well, thanks by the way but can we like just put the marriage question in a suggestion box or something?

And yesterday was really ridiculous as I actually argued with Mom on the bersanding issue. She insisted to have one when I totally was against the idea (the dias will need more than 1 bunga telur and that will be total waste of money. Why not give then really nice bunga telur or really good food instead?). She said that it will be the only time I'm getting married (which by the way, I see that divorce and be remarried is an in thing. Sorry Mum). Slow down lady, I'm not about to choose the colour for dias as of now.

Before that, she gave me a short, free, private service reminder on savings. I do not have anything against investment (although I'm against the idea of softening to the idea of decreasing monthly investment wherever), not until she said: "Who knows, you'll be suddenly getting married" (Siapa tahu tibe-tibe terkejut nak kawen). I told them, Mum, my sister-in-law, auntie and baby cousin that there's no candidate. Exact words were: Hujung kasut calon pun tak nampak. So, why the sudden, urgent marriage. Please God, don't make it one of those emergency urgent marriage of kene tangkap basah or whatever. Amin.

My auntie was actually thinking of getting me into the reality TV show (which I know will only lead to a bankruptcy of such stations). And this particular suggestion was strongly supported by a very good friend. Very entertaining. I'd rather stay in the jungle for three months rather than getting into any reality TV shows. I'm not ready to show how grumpy I can get at times (which is like all the time).

And then Mom dropped the bomb that someone was...

Forget I mentioned that. I'm dizzy with the questions.

Hand over a potion of this pounding headache. Ouch

The day started with little tiny water particles falling from the sky. I love rainy days. The world seems a little bit brighter and cleaner after the rain.

I woke up smiling (apart from grumbling and little accidental curses as the bed felt oh-so-comfy) and decided that today was a great day. I didn't manage to buy my favourite steamy pau-that-melts-in-my-mouth but I figured it's still ok. Just when I was about to cross the street, I felt a sharp jab at my neck. It was like a needle and I looked around, sure that no snipers are in sight (which is stupid because snipers will be hiding but then it's me! I do stupid things). I managed to discover the root of the pain and tears started to well in my eyes.

The one necklace that my late father passed to me was not as it was meant to be. One small part of it was sticking out. It didn't just 'putus' but it was somewhat broken.

The shock that I had was overwhelming. All of a sudden I felt choked. Like all the emotion welled up. For years, I've been wearing the necklace and it somehow reminded me that he will always be near my heart. I know its silly to actually be sad because the necklace can be repaired but what if the goldsmith says 'The only way I can mend this is to actually 'lebur' it'. I can't face that. I want it to stay that way. The way I saw the necklace when I first laid eyes on it when I was ten. The one thing that kept him close to my heart.

There were not many things that he left me and I just don't want to part with it. I still have the watch that he gave me but I just can't bear the fact that I have to take the necklace off. I have been wearing it around-the-clock, walk around with it, sleep and everything; never taking it off. Touching it made me feel closer to him.

Well, tears are filling every corner of my eyes now. I can't believe that I can get so emotional over an earthly possession.

I tried to pick myself up. I still want the day to proceed as smoothly as possible. Then came the stupid reply from a phone call. It made my world felt more bluer. Darn darn darn.

Luckily I managed to get my song request played on the radio (Flowers In the Window - Travis). It made me feel a little better.

But I guess I just don't feel that happy still. I'm afraid of telling Mak what happened to the necklace. She already called me 'Die ni mmg kasar sikit'. And my reputation of 'putuskan rantai' when I was a kid didn't make matters easier. I want to cry!!! Waaa!

Ah. time to face the music. It's nearly 8pm.

there's the feeling again
the elevated, unexplainable feeling in my chest

"ah you psychotic chronic dreamer
can't you for a minute
put yourself on the ground?
can't you for just one second
be realistic?"

the answer will be a simple 'cannot'

I use to have this phrase stuck in my head 'don't be scared to dream'. It wasn't until recently that I understand quite a gist of it.

Without dream, ambition, angan-angan or whatever you call it, the soul becomes weak that can only lead to weaker flesh. You know, as usual will create laziness and stuff like that. Being mortal, it is unavoidable to be unsatisfied with what we have. It's easy to grumble about work, studies, parents, friends and what not. It's easy to lose focus.

But dreams and ambitions will help us propel through. When we are young, we wanted to become doctors and whatever. But then we entered tertiary institution and still we dream on. And we enter a job, our dreams started to fall apart. The target at that time, maybe to get married and then what's next?

Ambitions could come in tiny little ways. Just a simple target of 'I'm looking forward to learn a new language' or 'I want to aim for my holiday in the Mediterranean' (Ameen) will help us go through it day by day. It help us to stay focus, cast our eyes on the long run.

Without dreams, I believe that life will be dull. And working will become a routine, without no excitement. Well, I need a lot of excitement to get through the day, so pardon my craving for excitement. Ha ha..

Ouh..it's already 6.30pm. I have dreamed to go back this early since few months before. Chop chop! Ta~

Pounding headache
I used to hear people grumble about rainy days but I'm certainly not a fan or scorching hot weather. And it certainly doesn't help having only warm water at home.

The cross-stitch project is coming up ok. Completed the first three and waiting for the right moment to get other projects. Truth is, been wanting to give mom some of my stitches but haven't got the time to do so. Not really not having time, not finding time is more suitable. So, maybe I could just shelve all plans and start spending more time to complete the stitches. Who knows? It can be popular again.

Weekends are the most boring days as I find myself feeling a little bit trapped. But due to the unfortunate case of international sluggish economy, nothing can be done except just to hold the purse a little tighter. OK, fine Malaysia has not gone into recession yet but she is bound to be in the same fate in a few quarters to come. It's best not to be too sunny and happy as when the grim story hits us, maybe it is going to be too late already.

The day has just started, haven't eaten breakfast yet. Hahaha.

Have a great remainder of the weekend. I'm like sleepy but will be feeling so like a sloth and guilt if I go to sleep again.

Great Saturday!

Mum has a great passion for shopping
And she loves walking great distances
Now I know where I got this disease from.

Been walking since 11.30 until 300 something
Must have some sort of powerful engine attached to the feet
None stop baybeh
And has this dreadful feeling that the purse has definitely shrinked
Significantly.

Head swirled left and right
Amazed, flammoxed and flabbergasted
Definitely will like to be there again
Hahaha
Am worried but isn't it too late to be thinking about budget at this point
Hahaha.

I still haven't gone out of my little comfort
I still haven't explored myh surroundings.

The cili padi project is coming up great
Am about to start another project
Got tones of plain shirt
Got to start combining this and that to make it look a bit decorated.

Am happy
Will start to get the creative juices flow
Get it all out.

I refuse to let a guy disrupt our friendship.

Regardless of how good looking, nice or no matter what.

We have literally grown up together, made it through slopes, mountains and ravines of our friendship. We had fights, I sulked, you tried to console. We started out as a pair of Leo and Capricorn, two big egos, trying to find something in common. The first stages were not easy, I somewhat can recall it. But we're fresh out of school and we are rather 'raw'. As time pass, we changed, seeing more things, feeling more pains and added more silliness. My 'white cloth' must be dreadfully stained right now.

I fell, stumpled, trampled across the paddock by a herd of bulls. You were there and consoled me, enabling me to stand tall. Those were hard times and you did help by making it easier. It has certainly helped me be stronger in a sense of 'facing the music'.

I had to admit it's just pretty recent that we managed to talk freely about things. Two big egos just find it difficult to share things, taking years to just open up. We happen to have our differences and similarities at the same time but opening up, having pillow talks are not that easy. But it was really worth it. Our friendship managed to stand withering challenges.

I have hurt, scarred, saddened you but still you stood for me. You were never afraid of saying what I did was wrong, coming out perfectly honest on what you think. That is what true friends really do, they are honest when you most need it.

And now you are going again. I never expected the news to befall that way yesterday. I must say I was flammmoxed. I know I should have seen it coming but it's the thought of talking to you through the medium of computer that saddens me. It can be said that there's no other person whom I find it comfortable to talk to apart from you.

Again, you dropped a bombshell.
'I want you to know the guy so you won't be bored when I'm somewhere else.'
I never thought you actually thought about me when you talk to the guy. Its like telling a sister that 'I want someone to look out for you when I'm not here'. I was actually hiding the sobs that crept to my throat when you said that. That's why I laughed. Believe me, I was really touched.

But dear, I think he likes you and I absolutely refuse to stand in the way. You won't be gone for very long, 3 years top. And when you come back again, everything might be ready for you and you might want to reconsider things and of course about people. Seeing that he's nice, why not try to make things happen? If you want me to be happy, I do seriously want you to be happy too.

I don't know if it's right to come up and say that he actually like you. I just don't want things to be complicated in time to come. I don't want anyone to become a victim and certainly refuse to let things become be very difficult. And I do not know what to say when you get all pent-up and frustrated when I refused to know him. Hear me say this: things happen for a reason.

If offering a friendship is not good enough, now you are actually finding someone who will become a very good friend to me, sort of taking care of me. But you know what, if that will end up making things complicated, I just want you to know that I'm going to back off because things are going to get ugly in the end if we meddle with matters of the heart.

I will; for your sake, fulfil your wishes but I can't guarantee you that your plan to match us will happen. I just don't. Feelings sometimes can't be changed and if we try to force it and change it, everybody will be affected. I will not be able to look at you and talk to you the way we do. That will certainly kill me inside.

I've seen people backstabbing their friends, forgo friendship for a guy. I've seen the bestest friend on earth being torn apart by a petty matter like this. If you say right now that you are going to back-off if things may develop ... say three years from now, what makes you think I will grab the chance? Let you go? Certainly will not want that to happen.

I may be thinking too much but forgive me if I do because you are a friend, one is very hard to find. I don't wish this to end and losing you for a guy, I think it's too big of a risk.

I've met many people on earth but I can say you left the most significant imprint in my life. Yesterday has just made the fact more obvious.

Don't be mad at him, he's innocent. Feelings cannot be steered into different ways. No one is to blame.

Don't worry about me, that will make me sad. This time it will be more difficult seeing you go but things will be ok. I will certainly miss you but it's not that far. Maybe I can gather enough money to have a stroll with you in that country, who knows? Go, go with a peaceful mind, I will try to make it.

Just put on that smile, your merry, happy smile

This is the second time I've been let down by supposedly-funny men. Ben Stiller's Thropic Thunder is ...confusing.

The story seems to be too heavy, trying to tell about the making of a movie from a book, a star who is starting to lose his fame, the book that happens to be a fake and trying to link it with drug plantation in the Golden Triangle in Southeast Asia. There were too many strings that needs to be tied, leading me to ask 'Is this supposed to be funny?'

It started out quite funny to see the director losing control over the actors and he then tried to film the movie guerilla-style in a jungle in Southeast Asia. Unfortunately, he didn't realise that there really is a guerilla somewhere in the midst of the greens, and he died (accidentally stepped on an old land-mine) not knowing. The actors were perplexed as they didn't know whether they are still filming, apart from not knowing where they are heading. The Ben Stiller decided to go to another direction, leaving the other casts to roam in the greens. Not only the casts lost their way, I also lost my way in the story too.

Stiller was captured near the opium-producing areas, faced the young leader. While the latter part was true, I was unhappy as it mixed the facts. Aren't pandas found in mountainous areas? How come one got lost in SOUTHEAST ASIA jungle? I'm not trying to be an Insufferable Know-It All but if you really want to keep to the fact, why not keep it for the whole movie? Or, were they trying to mock 'Kungfu Panda'?

And then, the low self-esteem among actors. The casts went through few sessions on a supposedly therapy session. Seiously, in a midst of a jungle, when you are lost and being captured by villains?

As a closing, just bear in mind that is the review is telling you its funny, good and etc, they are just trying to be sarcastic.

My rating: an out-of-date chocolate doughnut lying beside a stinking drain. Does that give you enough clue?

P/S: my cili padi is just growing fine. yeayness

Love-and-hate Relationship

..with my mobile phone.

You know what, I long for the days when I don't even care about handphones. When I have to scribble my friends' numbers on notebooks, notepads, papers and on some random recepits. When I have to literally sit beside the telephone, waiting for a telephone call from someone. Or the time when taking pictures are only through the means of camera.

Nowadays, I find myself totally paralysed without mobile phone. It replaces the role of so many things namely; alarm clock, radio, camera, notepad, diary and even my mom (to remind me when to call my aunties and uncles). I used to have this really traditional, basic handphone and I was paralysed when I lost it, quite a few times honestly. I can't remember the numbers and some of the messages are important ones. I have to wait for a few days for uni to start so I can get my bestfriends' numbers.

With mobile phones, I not only have to take precaution for my purses, bags and other stuff that looks unimportant to others but so bloody important to me but I have to make sure that I don't lost my phone. My budget, life, source of communication, source of entertainment, diary and my memories are in it (finally scrapped money to buy one with a camera). I even find myself stupidly looking for my handphone to check the time when I have a watch!

The dilemma doesn't end there. This marvellous technology actually connects us to people; be it our relatives, friends, stalkers, serial killers and porn-lovers so we are constantly in danger of having our privacy being eroded into, almost continuously. A girlfriend called up when you were trying to take a nap, to cry about her dead fish (unfortunate, but sleep is a vital body cycle). Or some telemarketing people trying to offer you some insurance products (good, but if wrongly put, can result to 'Waste my time'). So you see, as much as some people (points to myself) will like to just off the phone, one is afraid of having to lose some really important news like deaths or something. See? Dilemma.

Speaking of which, yes we do understand that mobile phones can actually interrupt the working of medical devices but the visitors maybe cannot switch off their phones because they are waiting for another call, maybe another victim in another hospital. Dilemma again.

The ringtones. Sometimes its terrible. I have this weird ability to shut the ringtone totally out of my head, resulting in several miscalls at a time. I have to resort to the loudest song that I can get to make sure I hear phone calls. I have days where I let George Michael singing Careless Whispers in my drawers. And since I have changed my tone to I'm Yours, the office is a little bit quieter when someone calls me and I went to the toilet (there's this one time my colleagues sang along to L.O.V.E from Michael Buble as I was not at my desk. It was on the loudest tone).

I just have weird habits. Sometimes I want to be left alone but cannot refrain from looking at the phone. I cannot lower the tone because I won't hear it. And I actually hate being dependent (classic Leo).

Well, I'm totally torn. Loud tones can result in dusturbance in the office. Putting it in drawers or slower tones will result in me not picking up phone calls (they can be really important). I just changed my tone to a slower one. Should I use Four to the Floor as my ring tone?